I was sitting talking with a friend the other day and they asked me if I still had my blog because it had been so long since I posted. I told them I did, but that I was still working on collecting the various thoughts in my head before I attempted to write on them. Which was the case, but I have also just been so busy and stressed that my blog has unfortunately taken a backseat in my life. But since she brought it up, I felt motivate to get it going again. So I want to talk about something that's been bothering me which may be bothering you to.
I am SCARED of being a failure, specifically in the eyes of my parents, and in the context of being compared to my siblings. I think this fear is common amongst young adults from big families, but certainly not limited to such a characteristic. I come from a family of six. Two parents, three sisters (all older), and then me. Being the baby of a family that is successful at least in the eyes of the social constructed belief of success and my parents who believe this construct, I am scared I won't live up to par. The construct being that you have a job, are financially stable or on your way to being so, and live an upper-middle class lifestyle
All my sisters prime examples of strong independent women who have beaten societal restrictions of their gender and made something of themselves, and I am so proud of them, as our my parents. But I look at all that they have done, and I think, how the hell do I live up to that; no way that I could. And my parents have been and will continue to be so involved in my life, that I fear I might subconsciously think I NEED their approval and/or acceptance for how my life turns out, and if I don't get it, I will feel like I failed. AND I DON'T WANT THAT FEELING!
And I know some of you reading this our thinking, "But Chris, there's more to life and happiness than money." And you are correct. But like I said, with how involve in my life my parents our, there perception of how I turn out is has a big impact on my perception, and unfortunately, I feel like with my father at least, that my "financial success" is one of the required criteria on the rubric.
All this worry and pressure that I feel has lead me to be really stressed. I find the smallest of hiccups in my life to be bigger than they really are and to be the start of a downfall I won't come back from. I know this is crazy and I need to stop beating myself up, but it is hard for me. Anyway, I really wanted to get this out, so that if someone else is feeling this way, they know that they are not alone. So that's all for this blog. Thanks.
