Now before we get to into this blog post, I just want iterate that you need to read this all the way through before you judge me on the title. I swear it was more just an attention grabber than a true statement. As we all know, upon Thanksgiving's passing every year, there is an almost instantaneous jump to the theme of Christmas everywhere you look. And thats okay, I have nothing wrong with that. But I'm kind of the odd man out in my family when it comes to loving Christmas. Or at least the odd man out in my "immediate" family. Allow me to explain.
I come from a VERY family oriented family. We're the kind of family that is so close that your first cousins are more like your siblings, your second cousins are more like your first cousins, and your aunts and uncles are more like extra parents. And I love it, because even though by blood I only have sisters, I feel like I have a lot of brothers too, since a lot of my cousins are guys. Plus I just love the family dynamic, IT'S AWESOME!
But there's a reason we are as close as we are in my family, and that reason was my grandmother. She believed in the power and strength of family, and understood no matter ones faults and failures, especially a family member's, they're always deserving of love and that you must never turn your back on them. Growing up, her home was almost every family member's first home. I know it was mine. Heck, we were there everyday for like the entire day. It was to the point I didn't even consider my actual home, home. I saw it more as this place where I would go to sleep and that was it.
Unfortunately, like all people will, my grandmother eventually passed. I was in the fifth grade. Given how close we were as a family, especially to her, since she was the glue really, watching her go down hill was rough. I definitely handled terribly compared everyone else in the family too. I was acting out, causing problems in a time when I should have been helping, and ultimately just being a class-A DICK! But I'll never forget the night she passed. A lot of the family was in the hospital room like we were every day and night, just hanging around, enjoying each other's company the best we could, since at this point she was in a vegetable state, so we really could be there for her. When it happen, the sound of a person grasping for a breath that wasn't there. I looked over like everyone else to see my grandmother trying to breathe but getting nowhere. Eventually the sound stopped; my grandmother was dead, and I had watched her die.
I can remember if the heart monitor actually made that sound like you hear in the movies when someone dies, in fact I can remember too many of the little things from that evening. I went numb almost instantly when it happened. The biggest thing I can recall is that I wasn't much of a cryer, and also knew I needed to be strong for my mom, so I did my best to remain un-phased. Eventually a break in the sadness seemed to occur. I took advantage of this, and excused myself from the room. I walked down the hallway to this lounge/lobby-esque area of hospital floor, collapsed to the ground and cried. People passed by, but I didn't care, I just let my emotions pour out of me. Finally I recomposed myself and returned to the room. I didn't shed a tear about the incident again.
Now I'm sure you are thinking, "But Chris, what on earth does this have to do with Christmas?" Well that day she passed was Sunday, December 19th. Christmas was a week away. Now, every year, as Christmas gets closer, so does that day, and we are all reminded of the sadness affiliated with the holiday season. For me though, I don't get sad about her death or let it bring my Christmas down, because I know she wouldn't want that. But here's where I become the odd man out. I can tell my Mom and sisters all do let it spoil their holidays. Plus, my sister even verbalized to my dad one year that "no one in this family likes this holiday because it just reminds us she's gone!" And it sucks they feel that way, for two reasons.
First, because I think they feel this way partially due to none of them having come to terms with her death yet. Which breaks my heart, because they are brought down by it, and I know my grandmother would not want them to be. And second, because it does end up making me the odd man out. Maybe that reason is a little selfish of me, but it's hard to enjoy something when you know those around you don't and just putting on a smile for the public. It brings down your (in this case, my) vibe.
So as for my title, Christmas doesn't really suck. In fact for me it's a great way to cope about my grandmother's passing. Because it brings my are already close family closer, at least physically, since mentally its not there yet with my sisters. But like I said, it brings us all closer like it does with all families. And this even closer closeness that is present during the holiday just reminds me of the strong family my grandmother pioneered in the creation of and presents hope, since here we are years after her passing and we're all still standing with her legacy as a beacon to guide us everyday of our life. I just wish my mom and sisters could see it this way too. Because that's really the only thing that sucks; knowing that I'm the only one that's happy.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
An Indirect Hurt
As I mentioned in a previous and very recent blog (Two roads...), I have this good friend who I like as more than a friend but have chosen to keep my feelings suppressed. But today was a real test of my will.
You see, have you ever liked someone, and because so, however they are feeling, you are feeling too? Thats the predicament I am currently in. This friend of mine is just going through a hard time and it sucks because I just feel helpless in helping her. It's out of my control, and just like anybody, I don't like when things are out of my control.
It's just I saw the way she just seemed so overwhelmed and distraught and it hurt me knowing there was nothing I could do. I just wanted so much to grab her by the arm, pull her close into me, kiss her gently on the forehead, and tell her that it's going to be alright, that she's going to make it through, and that I'm going to be with her every step of the way. To let her know if she falls, I'm there to catch her.
But that's when the dilemma of hiding my true feelings come into effect. I can't very well do any of that without showing how I feel. But hell, I feel like I'm at this point in our friendship where there's very little I can do that won't unmask the truth. And that's the last thing I want because I dont want to scare her away. The friendship we have means the world to me. But more specifically, she just might mean the world to me. And seeing her struggle, hurts, but more specifically, seeing her struggle knowing there's nothing I can do without revealing the one truth that might scare her off...that, that right there, that hurts the most.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Why I Think I'll have a Child with a Mental Disability
Growing up, I was raised catholic, as I have stated before, and in my family that meant you attended private Catholic schooling up until college. Then we could decide where to go, WITHIN REASON. One of the things the Catholic church stresses is "WORKS" or as others may call it, Service. Nothing wrong with that; we all need help each other. But, once you got to high school, or at least for the Catholic high schools in my hometown, you have to complete a certain number of service hours each year to graduate. Which is understandable; some people need an extra push to get out there and help others. But I noticed a trend with me and the service I did, sometimes coincidences even, or at least what I thought were coincidences.
It started the summer before my freshman year of high school. My sister was about to be a junior in high school and was looking to get her junior year service hours out of the way before the school year started. Her friend explained to my sister that her mother was head of campus ministry at a local Kindergarten through 8th grade catholic school and that each summer they run a "Bible Camp" for kids ages 4 to 9. So she signed up for it. But, she also convinced my mom to have me sign up for it as well. My mom figured it would get my freshman year service hours out of the way too. So I did.
I was hesitant, but that's because I was only fourteen and not even truly in high school, but I took a deep breath and did my best to step up however I could. That's when John Kelly entered my life. I met John when he was four. Just like any four year old, he was wild, marched to the beat of his own drum, and threw the occasional tempter tantrum. But John was different in one way. He has down syndrome. Now the way the camp was set up, there were three groups. 4 & 5 year olds, 6 & 7 year olds, and 8 & 9 year olds. Each age group was given a certain amount of Counselors to help the Adults working the groups of the camp. So no one was paired with anyone individually. Except for me.
John, given his condition, required more one on one attention then the rest of the campers, and I can't explain it, but him and I just worked well together. I was able to "talk him down" unlike the rest of the camp, and so I was asked to just keep by his side for the week. And so I did. Him and I have formed a great bond that grew from him and I both doing the camp for five years now. And I couldn't imagine not signing up for the camp that first year I did. I'm so thankful.
Then there was sophomore year. This is where things got interesting, because sophomores at my school, instead of going on a retreat of some sort, would have a day of service. The day you went depended on your homeroom. My homeroom was selected for a day later in the year, which is irrelevant, but I thought I would explain that. So the way this day of service worked is each sophomore was randomly selected for where they would go to do service for the day. I was selected to go to a local school that helped to teach children with mental disabilities. When we got there, I was hesitant, given my experience with John, and I jumped right in. I was helping the kids with work, eating, and playing. I had a blast, and again I seemed to work really well with the kids and just gel with them really well. It was awesome.
Junior year however is when coincidence, started to seem less like coincidence. My junior year of high school, I went on a retreat in West Hartford, Connecticut with a group of from my school. On one of the days during the retreat, we went out into the local community for a day of service. Again, where we went was random selection. And again, I was selected to go to a school that works with both children and young adults who have mental disabilities. When we got there, the gentle at the school who helped organized this said he was in need of a, "Special Volunteer". Hesitant, but eager because I felt in my element, I said I would. After I agreed, I learned this special assignment was to be paired with someone individually while the rest of my group worked as a group. It was reminiscent of when I was asked to work with John individually, and so I felt very comfortable. I was paired with a young man, I believe 19 at the time, named Louie. Great guy, who was full of energy and charisma. After spending the day with him, I couldn't help but kind of think that I was really good working with people who have special needs.
Since my junior year, I have tried to branch out and try different types of service I provide, but mentally, none have been so easy for me and put me at ease the way I felt and still feel about working with those with mental disabilities. But, I'm 19 now, and much more future oriented and can't help but wonder if there's a reason I do well in that situation. I can't help but also wonder if those coincidences were more than coincidences. Part of me believes that God, or some high power, depending on your beliefs, is just preparing me for fatherhood, but specifically fatherhood with a child who has a mental disability. Does the thought scare me? Hell yeah. But not because I wouldn't love the kid, because I will love the kid with my whole heart regardless, but because I know how much work it will be, if this is the case. Regardless, I'll dive right in. It just seems like there's a bigger plan here then me providing service.
It started the summer before my freshman year of high school. My sister was about to be a junior in high school and was looking to get her junior year service hours out of the way before the school year started. Her friend explained to my sister that her mother was head of campus ministry at a local Kindergarten through 8th grade catholic school and that each summer they run a "Bible Camp" for kids ages 4 to 9. So she signed up for it. But, she also convinced my mom to have me sign up for it as well. My mom figured it would get my freshman year service hours out of the way too. So I did.
I was hesitant, but that's because I was only fourteen and not even truly in high school, but I took a deep breath and did my best to step up however I could. That's when John Kelly entered my life. I met John when he was four. Just like any four year old, he was wild, marched to the beat of his own drum, and threw the occasional tempter tantrum. But John was different in one way. He has down syndrome. Now the way the camp was set up, there were three groups. 4 & 5 year olds, 6 & 7 year olds, and 8 & 9 year olds. Each age group was given a certain amount of Counselors to help the Adults working the groups of the camp. So no one was paired with anyone individually. Except for me.
John, given his condition, required more one on one attention then the rest of the campers, and I can't explain it, but him and I just worked well together. I was able to "talk him down" unlike the rest of the camp, and so I was asked to just keep by his side for the week. And so I did. Him and I have formed a great bond that grew from him and I both doing the camp for five years now. And I couldn't imagine not signing up for the camp that first year I did. I'm so thankful.
Then there was sophomore year. This is where things got interesting, because sophomores at my school, instead of going on a retreat of some sort, would have a day of service. The day you went depended on your homeroom. My homeroom was selected for a day later in the year, which is irrelevant, but I thought I would explain that. So the way this day of service worked is each sophomore was randomly selected for where they would go to do service for the day. I was selected to go to a local school that helped to teach children with mental disabilities. When we got there, I was hesitant, given my experience with John, and I jumped right in. I was helping the kids with work, eating, and playing. I had a blast, and again I seemed to work really well with the kids and just gel with them really well. It was awesome.
Junior year however is when coincidence, started to seem less like coincidence. My junior year of high school, I went on a retreat in West Hartford, Connecticut with a group of from my school. On one of the days during the retreat, we went out into the local community for a day of service. Again, where we went was random selection. And again, I was selected to go to a school that works with both children and young adults who have mental disabilities. When we got there, the gentle at the school who helped organized this said he was in need of a, "Special Volunteer". Hesitant, but eager because I felt in my element, I said I would. After I agreed, I learned this special assignment was to be paired with someone individually while the rest of my group worked as a group. It was reminiscent of when I was asked to work with John individually, and so I felt very comfortable. I was paired with a young man, I believe 19 at the time, named Louie. Great guy, who was full of energy and charisma. After spending the day with him, I couldn't help but kind of think that I was really good working with people who have special needs.
Since my junior year, I have tried to branch out and try different types of service I provide, but mentally, none have been so easy for me and put me at ease the way I felt and still feel about working with those with mental disabilities. But, I'm 19 now, and much more future oriented and can't help but wonder if there's a reason I do well in that situation. I can't help but also wonder if those coincidences were more than coincidences. Part of me believes that God, or some high power, depending on your beliefs, is just preparing me for fatherhood, but specifically fatherhood with a child who has a mental disability. Does the thought scare me? Hell yeah. But not because I wouldn't love the kid, because I will love the kid with my whole heart regardless, but because I know how much work it will be, if this is the case. Regardless, I'll dive right in. It just seems like there's a bigger plan here then me providing service.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one that was "safe"
So I was having a late night heart-to-heart with a friend of mine recently, and we got on the topic of relationships, or in my case a lack there of, a popular topic of anybody's heart-to-hearts. And as we were discussing my scenario, she said to me, "It sucks bro, because you can't control how you feel." And she's right, you can't, but you can control how you act on these feelings, and that's usually where I can't seem to get shit right. Here's my dilemma.
I have this friend, who I do find attractive, but not until after I got know them did they seem attractive to me. One those examples of how personality can really add to a persons "stock". And so upon pursuing friendship with this person, I had no intention in pursuing this friendship with any ulterior motives, in this case, a relationship. But as time has come about, I realize that I do want one.
Originally, and recently, a friend asked me if I like her, and this as how I explained it to her: "Do I like her? Yes. Would I be interested in a relationship with her, yes. BUT, because I entered this friendship with just the intent to form a friendship, I have this mindset that if something was to become of us, sweet, if not, sweet. Either way I'll be contempt."
This is what I told her, and it was true, or so I thought. But then it happened. I was at a party, where I ended up running into her. While we were both there, I saw her grinding/making out with this guy, and I became so many emotions at once, I didn't know what to think. I was angry, upset, unsurprised, disappointed, refusing, and overwhelmed. I left the party and returned to my dorm where I spent the rest of the evening, first having the heart-to-heart with my friend and then alone with my thoughts. This nigh of discernment led me this: I like this young woman more than I thought, whether I planned on it happening or not (which I did not) and now I have a choice to make, either pursue this newly apparent feelings or repress them and enjoy the friendship I was originally claimed to be content with.
So here's how this is going go: I'm most likely going to remain liking this young woman for a while, and along the way, I'm not going to do anything or say anything about it with her. Why? Because I suffer from a fear of rejection, which has lead me to be anxious whenever like a young woman, now. So I will suppress these feelings until I hopefully sincerely don't have them for her anymore. How long that will take, I do not know. But that's how it is. Just the way I handle these things. It just sucks more than usual this time because I didn't plan on falling for this young woman, and I have.
I can't control how I feel, in this case having these romantic feelings, but I can control how I act on them. And this is the route I'm taking. Is it a route that leaves me less likely to finding someone, since it's the route I go with with most young woman I like, yes. But it's the only way I know how to not get as hurt as I would if I was rejected. I guess to me, it's just the lesser of two evils.
I have this friend, who I do find attractive, but not until after I got know them did they seem attractive to me. One those examples of how personality can really add to a persons "stock". And so upon pursuing friendship with this person, I had no intention in pursuing this friendship with any ulterior motives, in this case, a relationship. But as time has come about, I realize that I do want one.
Originally, and recently, a friend asked me if I like her, and this as how I explained it to her: "Do I like her? Yes. Would I be interested in a relationship with her, yes. BUT, because I entered this friendship with just the intent to form a friendship, I have this mindset that if something was to become of us, sweet, if not, sweet. Either way I'll be contempt."
This is what I told her, and it was true, or so I thought. But then it happened. I was at a party, where I ended up running into her. While we were both there, I saw her grinding/making out with this guy, and I became so many emotions at once, I didn't know what to think. I was angry, upset, unsurprised, disappointed, refusing, and overwhelmed. I left the party and returned to my dorm where I spent the rest of the evening, first having the heart-to-heart with my friend and then alone with my thoughts. This nigh of discernment led me this: I like this young woman more than I thought, whether I planned on it happening or not (which I did not) and now I have a choice to make, either pursue this newly apparent feelings or repress them and enjoy the friendship I was originally claimed to be content with.
So here's how this is going go: I'm most likely going to remain liking this young woman for a while, and along the way, I'm not going to do anything or say anything about it with her. Why? Because I suffer from a fear of rejection, which has lead me to be anxious whenever like a young woman, now. So I will suppress these feelings until I hopefully sincerely don't have them for her anymore. How long that will take, I do not know. But that's how it is. Just the way I handle these things. It just sucks more than usual this time because I didn't plan on falling for this young woman, and I have.
I can't control how I feel, in this case having these romantic feelings, but I can control how I act on them. And this is the route I'm taking. Is it a route that leaves me less likely to finding someone, since it's the route I go with with most young woman I like, yes. But it's the only way I know how to not get as hurt as I would if I was rejected. I guess to me, it's just the lesser of two evils.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Questions with no Answers
It's 4 a.m. in the morning. I should be asleep. I have class tomorrow. Sure it isn't until noon, and yeah, I'm quite the night owl, but I was actually planning on getting to bed at a better hour for once. But upon attempting this, and it becoming 4 in the morning, I have finally stopped denying that there appears to be something more that is keeping up late every night besides just me being a night owl with a class schedule the conveniently accommodates. It's hard to explain, but here I go.
We all know that perfection is unattainable. But it is in our strive for it, that we better ourselves. That being said, if ever there was a semester in school, at any grade level, where I've come like close to grazing perfection, it's been this semester. Where do I begin?
School: I'm kicking ass in all my classes. I have three A's and two B+'s. All my assignments have been coming back with positive feedback, even the ones I would freak out about until they were due. The semester is almost done, time flies, and to add on to that, it's almost done, with me surely a lock for breaking the 3.0 mark in my GPA. School is good.
Family: My family is stellar. My parents and I seem to be in great standing, not that we've ever had a bad relationship, I just mean this between us just feel better than ever. My one sister just moved out and one step closer to full independence is doing really well for herself, couldn't be happier for her. My other sister just got a job with Vineyard Vines as the head of their visual department for one of their store locations, she appears to be on the up and up too. My third sister is about to graduate college and appears to be going to Notre Dame for graduate school, granted I HATE ND, that's still FRICKIN' AWESOME. My cousin and his girlfriend just had a beautiful and healthy baby girl a few months back. And another cousin of mine just took a great step in the career world as he got a new job that was better than his previous one in order to better provide for his own daughter now and in the future. Family is good.
Social life: I have great friends. Everyday I share moments with them that I wouldn't trade for all the riches in the world. I mean just the other day a bunch of my friends and I went to the thrift store, and we just had a grand ole time. And a few weeks back, I went on an amazing retreat that was put on by my school's campus ministry. Social life is good.
Things appear to be good on all fronts, School, Family, and Friends. So I'm sure those you who are reading this are saying to yourselves, "Wait, Chris, I don't seem to see the/an issue here."
And your right. There doesn't to appear to be one, but for some reason there is one, I just don't know what, which only seems to make it worse. All I know is, for much of this past gilded semester, I lie awake in my bed at all hours of the night, not because I'm a night owl, but because I feel alone and empty and sad about everything. BUT WHY?! There is no reason I should be feeling this way. My life is GREAT! And I've been blessed that it has been for basically it's entirety. So why can't I seem to be really happy. Why do I spend everyday waiting for something bad to happen or something to go wrong. Instead of basking in all the good I have in my life currently, something is eating at my core, at my soul, hindering me from being able to appreciate, and I can't seem to stop it.
I think what worries me most about this situation I am in is the terrible fact that though something feels wrong to me, I can't my finger on what that something is. Which scares me; typical human condition, we fear the unknown, myself included. And in the end, I'm left on this side of the keyboard with all these questions brought on by this fear of the unknown, but no answers...
Monday, November 18, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Heads up Catholics, this One's Gonna Sting
When your going to dinner to meet your significant other's parents or to seal the deal on a business transaction, etc. what is the one thing people always jokingly say, but sincerely mean? "Don't bring up religion and/or politics, haha." And well I can see why, those two topics are the cause of many heated argu...I mean discussions. Because so, I want to do the same with this blog mine; keep it relatively politic/religion free. But today, I'm going delve outside of this want of mine, only slightly, and discuss where I fall in the world of religion(s). As I like to say before my touchier blog topics, I do not intend to offend people. I didn't create this blog to make friends or enemies, just speak my mind as respectfully as I can. If I offend you now or you disagree, feel free to comment, but don't just come at me, guns blazing, lashing out, because I don't need that and I will delete your comment. So let's get started:
I was born into a large Irish Catholic family with a strong long-time foundation built from the Catholic church. All of my family members were baptized and raised to be Catholic. Naturally, when I was born, I was no exception. This meant private Catholic schooling for 12 years, mass every Sunday and on Holy Days of Obligation, and prayer before meals/bed. At first, my father, who was not a religious man, was not on board with the idea of us being baptized, he felt we should get to decide our religion our self. And my mom said that that was perfectly fine, but they were gonna have a foundation to base it off of, and that would Catholicism. I don't know what happened, but following my oldest siblings baptism, he was very on board. Now 19 years later, a sophomore in college, I'm not the best Catholic compared to myself before college (which is ironic because my school is a private Catholic university) or compared to most Catholics in general. Since I got to college and my mom isn't here to monitor my religious participation, my religious life has really gone by the wayside. I don't attend mass on Sundays or Holy Days of Obligation, I don't pray before meals/bed, and to be honest, I really question a lot about not only my religion, but all religions.
For starters, I was taught during my first twelve years of schooling that: Catholicism is the correct religion. While others may have great tenets and good teachings, it and its participants unfortunately fall short, but God will forgive them of their "naïvety" upon their deaths and let them into heaven, granted that they lived a life trying to be good to others the best they could. And I think that is b.s. What gives any religion the right to say they are the right one. How much would it suck for Catholics if the day we died, we got to the afterlife and discovered we were wrong. Or vice versa for any other religion compared to ours. And don't get me wrong, I'm sure other religions teach/say the same thing about who is correct. But that's why the idea bothers me, who's to say, "My religion is right and yours is unfortunately wrong, feel free to convert anytime."? Nobody should be able to say this.
Also, the whole attending mass every Sunday idea is something I'm not really on board with. Is it only an hour out of my day? Yes, so it really should be something I can handle. But just because I can handle something doesn't mean I WANT to. Don't get me wrong, I believe in faith AND good works, but I'm a believer that I can achieve both without attending mass. I should be able pray in times of good and times of bad, and help others in times of good and times of bad, and have that count as both. Because I have faith though I don't attend mass, and I love to help people, so I got good works covered too. I just think I'm better suited outside of mass, because when I attend, my mind wanders.
Another thing that eats at me I discovered more recently that even if a Catholic priest resides over your mass, if it does not occur in a Catholic church, it does not count as a marriage in the eyes of the Catholic church. WHAT?! C'mon man. I understand this whole wanting to keep traditional, but that rule should be tweaked. I mean, if the woman I marry is Catholic like me, and she wants a Catholic wedding like I do, then naturally I will conform to this rule and get married in an actual church. But like I said, I personally would be conforming. And it is in that word I think big issue lies. No one should feel like they're having to conform to be close to God, even they are claiming this closeness within the name of a specific denomination. I shouldn't have to follow all your rules to a T, especially when many are man made, to claim God as a Catholic.
So, do I claim to be a Catholic? Yes, I do. Is it partially because it was the only religion I've ever known personally, yes. I'll be honest, though both my parents believed we should be able to choose our own religion, just with Catholicism as the starting foundation, my mom definitely didn't make the at home environment one where being of another religion was acceptable, with her children that is. An example of this is I always joke to her about changing religions and she always replies, "you may do that, but while you're under my roof, you will follow the rules of the catholic church which are my rules as well regardless of what religion you become." She really ties your hands doesn't she. But is it also because I WANT to be Catholic that I claim it. And I don't think I'm saying this due to some unconscious bias caused by my being raised a Catholic. As I've gotten older and learned about new religions, I think personality wise and belief wise, the one that fits me best is Catholicism. But that being said, it doesn't mean I'm going to agree with and/or follow all the rules of Catholics. Because I'm not gonna be a conformist. I'd rather be a REAL Catholic doing what I believe to be my best for me and others, than a FAKE Catholic who follows every rule even if they don't believe in it just to get to heaven.
In conclusion, let me first reiterate, I'm not trying to bad mouth the Catholic church or any of its participants, because I consider myself one. I'm not saying those who follow every rule to the religion are fake or bad if they truly believe in it all, I'm just saying I don't consider me a bad one either just because I disagree with some issues as well and butt heads with the church a little and never plan on "coming around". But I also don't think those who are very devout and follow everything to a T because they believe in it all, should be able to say I'm bad either. Ultimately this blog post is to just say where I stand within my religion and that not even my religion is going to stop me from being an individual within the walls of my religion. If you agree with that concept but with different rules and aspects or even a different religion, cool. Glad I could let you know you're not alone. But if you disagree, cool too. Sorry we can't see eye to eye, but be you bro. That's just fine. I'm just saying don't get mad me for being me when I'm not gonna get mad at your for being you.
I was born into a large Irish Catholic family with a strong long-time foundation built from the Catholic church. All of my family members were baptized and raised to be Catholic. Naturally, when I was born, I was no exception. This meant private Catholic schooling for 12 years, mass every Sunday and on Holy Days of Obligation, and prayer before meals/bed. At first, my father, who was not a religious man, was not on board with the idea of us being baptized, he felt we should get to decide our religion our self. And my mom said that that was perfectly fine, but they were gonna have a foundation to base it off of, and that would Catholicism. I don't know what happened, but following my oldest siblings baptism, he was very on board. Now 19 years later, a sophomore in college, I'm not the best Catholic compared to myself before college (which is ironic because my school is a private Catholic university) or compared to most Catholics in general. Since I got to college and my mom isn't here to monitor my religious participation, my religious life has really gone by the wayside. I don't attend mass on Sundays or Holy Days of Obligation, I don't pray before meals/bed, and to be honest, I really question a lot about not only my religion, but all religions.
For starters, I was taught during my first twelve years of schooling that: Catholicism is the correct religion. While others may have great tenets and good teachings, it and its participants unfortunately fall short, but God will forgive them of their "naïvety" upon their deaths and let them into heaven, granted that they lived a life trying to be good to others the best they could. And I think that is b.s. What gives any religion the right to say they are the right one. How much would it suck for Catholics if the day we died, we got to the afterlife and discovered we were wrong. Or vice versa for any other religion compared to ours. And don't get me wrong, I'm sure other religions teach/say the same thing about who is correct. But that's why the idea bothers me, who's to say, "My religion is right and yours is unfortunately wrong, feel free to convert anytime."? Nobody should be able to say this.
Also, the whole attending mass every Sunday idea is something I'm not really on board with. Is it only an hour out of my day? Yes, so it really should be something I can handle. But just because I can handle something doesn't mean I WANT to. Don't get me wrong, I believe in faith AND good works, but I'm a believer that I can achieve both without attending mass. I should be able pray in times of good and times of bad, and help others in times of good and times of bad, and have that count as both. Because I have faith though I don't attend mass, and I love to help people, so I got good works covered too. I just think I'm better suited outside of mass, because when I attend, my mind wanders.
Another thing that eats at me I discovered more recently that even if a Catholic priest resides over your mass, if it does not occur in a Catholic church, it does not count as a marriage in the eyes of the Catholic church. WHAT?! C'mon man. I understand this whole wanting to keep traditional, but that rule should be tweaked. I mean, if the woman I marry is Catholic like me, and she wants a Catholic wedding like I do, then naturally I will conform to this rule and get married in an actual church. But like I said, I personally would be conforming. And it is in that word I think big issue lies. No one should feel like they're having to conform to be close to God, even they are claiming this closeness within the name of a specific denomination. I shouldn't have to follow all your rules to a T, especially when many are man made, to claim God as a Catholic.
So, do I claim to be a Catholic? Yes, I do. Is it partially because it was the only religion I've ever known personally, yes. I'll be honest, though both my parents believed we should be able to choose our own religion, just with Catholicism as the starting foundation, my mom definitely didn't make the at home environment one where being of another religion was acceptable, with her children that is. An example of this is I always joke to her about changing religions and she always replies, "you may do that, but while you're under my roof, you will follow the rules of the catholic church which are my rules as well regardless of what religion you become." She really ties your hands doesn't she. But is it also because I WANT to be Catholic that I claim it. And I don't think I'm saying this due to some unconscious bias caused by my being raised a Catholic. As I've gotten older and learned about new religions, I think personality wise and belief wise, the one that fits me best is Catholicism. But that being said, it doesn't mean I'm going to agree with and/or follow all the rules of Catholics. Because I'm not gonna be a conformist. I'd rather be a REAL Catholic doing what I believe to be my best for me and others, than a FAKE Catholic who follows every rule even if they don't believe in it just to get to heaven.
In conclusion, let me first reiterate, I'm not trying to bad mouth the Catholic church or any of its participants, because I consider myself one. I'm not saying those who follow every rule to the religion are fake or bad if they truly believe in it all, I'm just saying I don't consider me a bad one either just because I disagree with some issues as well and butt heads with the church a little and never plan on "coming around". But I also don't think those who are very devout and follow everything to a T because they believe in it all, should be able to say I'm bad either. Ultimately this blog post is to just say where I stand within my religion and that not even my religion is going to stop me from being an individual within the walls of my religion. If you agree with that concept but with different rules and aspects or even a different religion, cool. Glad I could let you know you're not alone. But if you disagree, cool too. Sorry we can't see eye to eye, but be you bro. That's just fine. I'm just saying don't get mad me for being me when I'm not gonna get mad at your for being you.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Behind the Bow Tie...LITERALLY
Hey everybody, sorry it's been a while since I've posted a blog. I got so wrapped up in midterms and midterm break, I haven't had time to sit down and put pen to paper, metaphorically. So since I'm coming back from a brief hiatus, I figured today's blog would be something light-hearted and fun. Today's blog is going to be a very slight autobiography and a moment to pay homage to some awesome people in my life, my sisters. All stinkin' three of them. (I say that with love :) ) (Sorry Maura, technically you don't make the cut, but I still love you too) Now let us travel a few years back and take a look into how I became BowTieChris.
It was the '00's. '08 to be exact. Times were changing, schools were becoming more technological, the White House was months away from becoming more diverse, and Michael Phelps was proving potheads though successful are still douche bags. (CHILL! That last one was joke, though HE IS a douche) I was entering high school. A scrawny white kid measuring in at 5'4" and weighing in at 135 lbs. and not much of a fashion sense. All I could really articulate was that I loved the classy look but had no qualms with the grungy look, which is what I rocked. But I attended a private Catholic high school, which is when opportunity knocked and I, at first, half-heartedly answered. We had the option of wearing either a button up with a tie or a polo both paired with a pair of khakis. So being a fan of the classy look, I did what I could by being the guy who wore his oxford (another term for a button up) and a tie close to everyday from freshman year to senior year. Something that wasn't really common. The only time anyone else was really seen wearing the button up shirt was on days that there was a school wide Mass.
Even though I was rocking this classy look at school, outside of school I was still rocking the grungy look, whether it was just minutes after school or on the weekends. Part of which because, as previously stated, I had no qualms with the grungy look, and also, because I didn't really have the wardrobe to be classier looking more often. Well eventually that changed. My sisters, mostly the eldest one, hated how dressed. Especially when it was when they had to be seen in public. So as time went on though my earlier years of high school my sisters banded together and bought me a new wardrobe, you could have called it "The Starter Wardrobe for the Classy/Preppy Man".
Now, I had the clothes to start looking classy more frequently. Basically, my sisters had provided me with the materials needed, but it was up to me to create the final product. It's not like I was going to put up a fight though, also as I previously stated, I loved the classy look too, and I was rocking that one at least everyday that I was at school. So, I started to wear these new closes. Not all day, every day, but I was incorporating them into my look more times then not. But I wasn't really doing the tie look, bow or straight, outside of school. This is when the story gets really good!
It was junior year, and I along with a few other students were being honored at a school wide assembly. Well I wanted to look good but I didn't really know how to take my look to another level. I thought my style had "peaked" if you will. Well, a few days before this assembly, some friends and I went to a local thrift store just for fun; to kill some time on a half a day. And that's when I saw it, A BOW TIE! It was hanging with a tuxedo on a shelf but did have an individual price tag that said $1. I was intrigued so I bought it. Fun fact: this bow tie, my first bow tie, was in fact a clip-on, or as we in the bow tie biz will say "pre-tied". The day of the assembly came; I woke up, got showed and cleaned, then put on my clothes, and finally I grabbed my new bow tie and I put it on. The minute I clipped it and folded down the collar and shot myself a glance in the mirror, I just got this feeling go through me, a feeling that said, "Oh yeah, this, this right here, this is right."
After that day I was hooked on the bow tie look. I was asking my mom where we could get me more, but REAL ones, and could we do it ASAP. She informed me that my Aunt had some of my Great-Grandfathers bow ties from the 1920's. So I begged her to take me to my Aunt's house after school like the next day, and she conceded. When we got there my Aunt informed me that she did in fact have them, she just was not sure where in the house she had put them. I felt slightly discouraged upon hearing this news, but after very little time of looking, we found them. I was stoked! My great-grandfather's collection was and still is so gnarly! There was probably 20 or so and I took ten to start me off in building my collection.
The next day I went into school and spent my entire first period (don't worry, it was a study hall) in the principles office learning how to tie a bow tie. He didn't know unfortunately, but we worked together to figure it out. That was so boss of him! He just stopped everything he was doing and spent like an hour or so helping me learn to tie a bow tie. Finally we figured it out. The wheels were set in motion. In the moment, BowTieChris was born.
Since that day, I have worn a bow tie basically everyday for the past four years, no matter what I am doing or what the occasion. I don't plan on stopping any time soon, either. And it's been pretty easy because I have received a lot of mental support for my style from others over the past few years. I've also received a fair amount of physical support from friends and family (specifically my sisters) in the form of them continuing to buy me classier/preppier clothes and bow ties. My school also got a new president my Senior year of high school who wears bow ties everyday that he has to look professional, at least. He takes the weekends off, which is allowed. But he's been wearing bow ties for years and hasn't worn a straight tie in 10 years. I'm trying to catch up to him. He's been a pretty big inspiration; he even gave me two of his bow ties for Christmas. I was honored.
Four years later, following the chain of events that occurred my Junior year of high school, I now have 35 bow ties and will have 37 by the end of the year. My collection is ever growing as is my wardrobe of "loud" attire. I owe a lot of thanks to my sister, so to them: THANK YOU! AND I LOVE ALL THREE OF YOU! I don't plan on stopping my look anytime soon. I'm confident in my look and I'm confident it's going to be my look for a long time. I am BowTieChris. And this is Behind the Bow Tie...LITERALLY!
It was the '00's. '08 to be exact. Times were changing, schools were becoming more technological, the White House was months away from becoming more diverse, and Michael Phelps was proving potheads though successful are still douche bags. (CHILL! That last one was joke, though HE IS a douche) I was entering high school. A scrawny white kid measuring in at 5'4" and weighing in at 135 lbs. and not much of a fashion sense. All I could really articulate was that I loved the classy look but had no qualms with the grungy look, which is what I rocked. But I attended a private Catholic high school, which is when opportunity knocked and I, at first, half-heartedly answered. We had the option of wearing either a button up with a tie or a polo both paired with a pair of khakis. So being a fan of the classy look, I did what I could by being the guy who wore his oxford (another term for a button up) and a tie close to everyday from freshman year to senior year. Something that wasn't really common. The only time anyone else was really seen wearing the button up shirt was on days that there was a school wide Mass.
Even though I was rocking this classy look at school, outside of school I was still rocking the grungy look, whether it was just minutes after school or on the weekends. Part of which because, as previously stated, I had no qualms with the grungy look, and also, because I didn't really have the wardrobe to be classier looking more often. Well eventually that changed. My sisters, mostly the eldest one, hated how dressed. Especially when it was when they had to be seen in public. So as time went on though my earlier years of high school my sisters banded together and bought me a new wardrobe, you could have called it "The Starter Wardrobe for the Classy/Preppy Man".
Now, I had the clothes to start looking classy more frequently. Basically, my sisters had provided me with the materials needed, but it was up to me to create the final product. It's not like I was going to put up a fight though, also as I previously stated, I loved the classy look too, and I was rocking that one at least everyday that I was at school. So, I started to wear these new closes. Not all day, every day, but I was incorporating them into my look more times then not. But I wasn't really doing the tie look, bow or straight, outside of school. This is when the story gets really good!
It was junior year, and I along with a few other students were being honored at a school wide assembly. Well I wanted to look good but I didn't really know how to take my look to another level. I thought my style had "peaked" if you will. Well, a few days before this assembly, some friends and I went to a local thrift store just for fun; to kill some time on a half a day. And that's when I saw it, A BOW TIE! It was hanging with a tuxedo on a shelf but did have an individual price tag that said $1. I was intrigued so I bought it. Fun fact: this bow tie, my first bow tie, was in fact a clip-on, or as we in the bow tie biz will say "pre-tied". The day of the assembly came; I woke up, got showed and cleaned, then put on my clothes, and finally I grabbed my new bow tie and I put it on. The minute I clipped it and folded down the collar and shot myself a glance in the mirror, I just got this feeling go through me, a feeling that said, "Oh yeah, this, this right here, this is right."
After that day I was hooked on the bow tie look. I was asking my mom where we could get me more, but REAL ones, and could we do it ASAP. She informed me that my Aunt had some of my Great-Grandfathers bow ties from the 1920's. So I begged her to take me to my Aunt's house after school like the next day, and she conceded. When we got there my Aunt informed me that she did in fact have them, she just was not sure where in the house she had put them. I felt slightly discouraged upon hearing this news, but after very little time of looking, we found them. I was stoked! My great-grandfather's collection was and still is so gnarly! There was probably 20 or so and I took ten to start me off in building my collection.
The next day I went into school and spent my entire first period (don't worry, it was a study hall) in the principles office learning how to tie a bow tie. He didn't know unfortunately, but we worked together to figure it out. That was so boss of him! He just stopped everything he was doing and spent like an hour or so helping me learn to tie a bow tie. Finally we figured it out. The wheels were set in motion. In the moment, BowTieChris was born.
Since that day, I have worn a bow tie basically everyday for the past four years, no matter what I am doing or what the occasion. I don't plan on stopping any time soon, either. And it's been pretty easy because I have received a lot of mental support for my style from others over the past few years. I've also received a fair amount of physical support from friends and family (specifically my sisters) in the form of them continuing to buy me classier/preppier clothes and bow ties. My school also got a new president my Senior year of high school who wears bow ties everyday that he has to look professional, at least. He takes the weekends off, which is allowed. But he's been wearing bow ties for years and hasn't worn a straight tie in 10 years. I'm trying to catch up to him. He's been a pretty big inspiration; he even gave me two of his bow ties for Christmas. I was honored.
Four years later, following the chain of events that occurred my Junior year of high school, I now have 35 bow ties and will have 37 by the end of the year. My collection is ever growing as is my wardrobe of "loud" attire. I owe a lot of thanks to my sister, so to them: THANK YOU! AND I LOVE ALL THREE OF YOU! I don't plan on stopping my look anytime soon. I'm confident in my look and I'm confident it's going to be my look for a long time. I am BowTieChris. And this is Behind the Bow Tie...LITERALLY!
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Living with regret?
Throughout life we all have regrets, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Hopefully not too big of a regret, but maybe so. To go with that, I think it's safe to say, that one of main reasons we have regrets, is because we let our fear get in the way of something.
Now as I have stated in a past blog, I am a relationship kind of guy, who just can't seem to get one. But I don't have all the right in the world to complain. What if I told you I have a regret that haunts me everyday when I wake up and start my day. This regret is the day I threw away the one thing I've always wanted, a relationship, with one of the girls I've wanted it with the most. Let me explain:
It started around November of my senior year of high school. I was talking with a childhood friend of mine who attended an all girl high school that I had always wanted to attend the dances of. So I was telling her about how I wanted to go to her school's homecoming. She told me to tell a girl to take me, but as I explained to her, it's the girl's dance, I can't TELL her to take ME. Which after a moment she could see where I was coming from and agreed, so she told me she'd ask around for me. A few days later she informs me, one of her friends said she would take me. Naturally I was like "SWEET!"
Upon receiving the news, I was given her name and number. I did your usual Facebook stalking. Tried to to get a feel for who this girl was that I would be going with. She looked good and seemed pretty cool. And we did some talking just to get familiar. Well finally the night came, and I don't know why, but the moment I walked in the door and saw her in person, the rest of the world disappeared for a moment, and I was standing there dumbfounded unaware of anything but her. She was gorgeous! Luckily I kept my cool, and avoided coming on too strong, partially because this was our first meeting.
So, we went to the dance and had a good time. We kept it PG and just seemed like two friends having fun. Afterwards we went to a local diner with some of her friends and their dates and enjoyed some food and conversation. I let her order first, so I could know what I could get and still be able to pay for her. (Be a gentleman, always pay for the lady) Then we went our separate ways.
Now when I was Facebook stalking her and texting her before we met, I thought she was an attractive girl, but one I was not attracted TO. After that night, I was hooked! We started texting that night, when we both got home. The conversations flowed and weren't like speaking to brick walls.
I'll be honest, I wasn't subtle in how I felt, and it fact, I'm pretty sure I vocalized it to her that same night of the dance, when we started texting. So she knew I liked her, but said it wasn't mutual, but yet we still constantly texted and talked. We even skyped A LOT, like all the time! We hung out with friends a fair amount over that year. Like my like for her grew every single day, because we were always in contact. She even was my New Year's kiss. It was a little awkward and forced (by her actually, I wasn't expecting or planning on it) but yet, I liked it. She did it, because I invited her to this New Year's Eve party as my "date", and she ended up bailing like 30 mins in, so i think it was out of like pity. Up to this point I had remained flirty with her, and she just had fun brushing it off. Around that time though, I decided to stop trying to flirt with her, since she didn't feel the same. But I still really liked her and wanted to be with only her.
Anyway, the talking continued and was good. We talked a lot per usual. Then January 27, 2012 rolled around. And the talking took a turn. Not a good one or bad one, just a neutral turn...at first. I was down in my basement watching Batman Begins on AMC with story-notes, texting her as usual, and there was something she wanted to know and I was refusing to tell her. So she posed playing that Question Game so I would tell her. You know, that flirty one all us teenagers play which starts out "genuine" and turns dirty by like question 20. So I said why not, and humored her and we played. She got the answer to the question she was looking for, but we kept playing. And like I said, the game turned flirty and dirty, but we kept playing. And for a little bit after that day, we could continue playing, and if weren't playing we were talking in a flirty manner, just like when playing the game. Like I was shocked, here she was FLIRTING WITH ME, not just me flirting with her.
So for next like month we were flirting with each other all the time when we talked, but I assumed it was just out teenage hormonal fun and nothing more. Until this day in very early march, I receive a text from her in the middle of our conversation that read, "So what's the deal, are we gonna make this official or what?"
There it was, the moment I had wanted since the night in November, a chance to be her guy, and her my girl. And right there it happened, I became a scared little boy; a sad sack of shit. I thought in my mind here is this perfect girl, and I could never bear to look at myself in the mirror if I hurt her. And that was my fear, I was scared to hurt her, not physically, but just in that way you see people get hurt in relationships. So I let my fear drive me, and I said to her, "Nah." STUPIDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!
We decided to take a FWB route for a while, but nothing ever happened and as time went on, are talking became flirtation-less and she ended up in a relationship until college, and then we both went separate ways, only to occasionally talk. Which we did, and once in college far apart, I would sometimes hit on her in our conversations. It was just out of pure fun.
But then on October 10th, 2012 she said something to me that cut me deeper than anyone has. After I made the comment that it was fun to hit on her, she said to me, "I don't even think you want me, you just enjoy hitting on me!" And that really struck a nerve with me. So after a few moments of wrestling with these words, I replied back "You said, 'u probably don't even want me'. And it actually struck a nerve with me. Not fully sure why, but it did. Because, Imma be honest with you: One of the biggest regrets of my life was the day I said no to u. There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think of it even for just a second and wish i could go back change it. Cus with you, it's never been just about a quick score for me, i wanted all aspects of you, and I got scared and said no. I was an idiot and regret it. and there. so don't you think i don't even actually want you!"
We continued to talk for a moment, where she explained she had moved on and me saying now that I had said all this, I could to now. But that's turned out to be false. I CAN'T MOVE ON! I threw away the best thing I almost had. All because I got scared to be the man I wanted to be to the woman I to be it for. I wake up with a dark hole in me that floods every part of me with a regret that isn't just easily brushed aside under the rug. And with it, comes a pain that doesn't show physically, but hurts you every step of the day. And all that is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, not even my greatest enemy, because it sucks, and makes getting up everyday nearly impossible for me. And no we can't read the future, so there's no way of knowing if her and I would still be together now, had I said yes then, BUT I can't help but thinking we would. Ultimately right now, I'm inclined to believe the only way I will truly be able to move on is when I am finally with someone who shows me there's someone out there besides her.
So I say to you, don't let your fear get in the way of something you love. Because you'll only be left with regret. And that's something I'd rather be left without of. Being scared sucks, but it's quite the adrenaline rush embracing what scares you. So get out there and step up to the plate. Don't let your fear drive you. Drive your fear.
Now as I have stated in a past blog, I am a relationship kind of guy, who just can't seem to get one. But I don't have all the right in the world to complain. What if I told you I have a regret that haunts me everyday when I wake up and start my day. This regret is the day I threw away the one thing I've always wanted, a relationship, with one of the girls I've wanted it with the most. Let me explain:
It started around November of my senior year of high school. I was talking with a childhood friend of mine who attended an all girl high school that I had always wanted to attend the dances of. So I was telling her about how I wanted to go to her school's homecoming. She told me to tell a girl to take me, but as I explained to her, it's the girl's dance, I can't TELL her to take ME. Which after a moment she could see where I was coming from and agreed, so she told me she'd ask around for me. A few days later she informs me, one of her friends said she would take me. Naturally I was like "SWEET!"
Upon receiving the news, I was given her name and number. I did your usual Facebook stalking. Tried to to get a feel for who this girl was that I would be going with. She looked good and seemed pretty cool. And we did some talking just to get familiar. Well finally the night came, and I don't know why, but the moment I walked in the door and saw her in person, the rest of the world disappeared for a moment, and I was standing there dumbfounded unaware of anything but her. She was gorgeous! Luckily I kept my cool, and avoided coming on too strong, partially because this was our first meeting.
So, we went to the dance and had a good time. We kept it PG and just seemed like two friends having fun. Afterwards we went to a local diner with some of her friends and their dates and enjoyed some food and conversation. I let her order first, so I could know what I could get and still be able to pay for her. (Be a gentleman, always pay for the lady) Then we went our separate ways.
Now when I was Facebook stalking her and texting her before we met, I thought she was an attractive girl, but one I was not attracted TO. After that night, I was hooked! We started texting that night, when we both got home. The conversations flowed and weren't like speaking to brick walls.
I'll be honest, I wasn't subtle in how I felt, and it fact, I'm pretty sure I vocalized it to her that same night of the dance, when we started texting. So she knew I liked her, but said it wasn't mutual, but yet we still constantly texted and talked. We even skyped A LOT, like all the time! We hung out with friends a fair amount over that year. Like my like for her grew every single day, because we were always in contact. She even was my New Year's kiss. It was a little awkward and forced (by her actually, I wasn't expecting or planning on it) but yet, I liked it. She did it, because I invited her to this New Year's Eve party as my "date", and she ended up bailing like 30 mins in, so i think it was out of like pity. Up to this point I had remained flirty with her, and she just had fun brushing it off. Around that time though, I decided to stop trying to flirt with her, since she didn't feel the same. But I still really liked her and wanted to be with only her.
Anyway, the talking continued and was good. We talked a lot per usual. Then January 27, 2012 rolled around. And the talking took a turn. Not a good one or bad one, just a neutral turn...at first. I was down in my basement watching Batman Begins on AMC with story-notes, texting her as usual, and there was something she wanted to know and I was refusing to tell her. So she posed playing that Question Game so I would tell her. You know, that flirty one all us teenagers play which starts out "genuine" and turns dirty by like question 20. So I said why not, and humored her and we played. She got the answer to the question she was looking for, but we kept playing. And like I said, the game turned flirty and dirty, but we kept playing. And for a little bit after that day, we could continue playing, and if weren't playing we were talking in a flirty manner, just like when playing the game. Like I was shocked, here she was FLIRTING WITH ME, not just me flirting with her.
So for next like month we were flirting with each other all the time when we talked, but I assumed it was just out teenage hormonal fun and nothing more. Until this day in very early march, I receive a text from her in the middle of our conversation that read, "So what's the deal, are we gonna make this official or what?"
There it was, the moment I had wanted since the night in November, a chance to be her guy, and her my girl. And right there it happened, I became a scared little boy; a sad sack of shit. I thought in my mind here is this perfect girl, and I could never bear to look at myself in the mirror if I hurt her. And that was my fear, I was scared to hurt her, not physically, but just in that way you see people get hurt in relationships. So I let my fear drive me, and I said to her, "Nah." STUPIDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!
We decided to take a FWB route for a while, but nothing ever happened and as time went on, are talking became flirtation-less and she ended up in a relationship until college, and then we both went separate ways, only to occasionally talk. Which we did, and once in college far apart, I would sometimes hit on her in our conversations. It was just out of pure fun.
But then on October 10th, 2012 she said something to me that cut me deeper than anyone has. After I made the comment that it was fun to hit on her, she said to me, "I don't even think you want me, you just enjoy hitting on me!" And that really struck a nerve with me. So after a few moments of wrestling with these words, I replied back "You said, 'u probably don't even want me'. And it actually struck a nerve with me. Not fully sure why, but it did. Because, Imma be honest with you: One of the biggest regrets of my life was the day I said no to u. There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think of it even for just a second and wish i could go back change it. Cus with you, it's never been just about a quick score for me, i wanted all aspects of you, and I got scared and said no. I was an idiot and regret it. and there. so don't you think i don't even actually want you!"
We continued to talk for a moment, where she explained she had moved on and me saying now that I had said all this, I could to now. But that's turned out to be false. I CAN'T MOVE ON! I threw away the best thing I almost had. All because I got scared to be the man I wanted to be to the woman I to be it for. I wake up with a dark hole in me that floods every part of me with a regret that isn't just easily brushed aside under the rug. And with it, comes a pain that doesn't show physically, but hurts you every step of the day. And all that is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, not even my greatest enemy, because it sucks, and makes getting up everyday nearly impossible for me. And no we can't read the future, so there's no way of knowing if her and I would still be together now, had I said yes then, BUT I can't help but thinking we would. Ultimately right now, I'm inclined to believe the only way I will truly be able to move on is when I am finally with someone who shows me there's someone out there besides her.
So I say to you, don't let your fear get in the way of something you love. Because you'll only be left with regret. And that's something I'd rather be left without of. Being scared sucks, but it's quite the adrenaline rush embracing what scares you. So get out there and step up to the plate. Don't let your fear drive you. Drive your fear.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
There Goes my Hero, He's Ordinary
Two years ago, around the early winter time of my senior year, my grandmother on my father's side started decline in her health. She looked like she was going to make it past Christmas of that year. But to all our surprise, and we're happy for it, she improved. But to an extent; she clawed her way out of the dark hole she was in, in terms of her health and has now been slowly declining over the past few years from the level she had clawed her way to. But hey, it's better than nothing. She recently has had poor circulation in her legs, specifically her right one (I could be wrong on which leg though, so don't quote me on that, I can't remember since this has been occurring while I'm away at school), and has under gone multiple surgeries to restore the circulation. In fact, she under went the surgery again last week...twice. Both times the doctors were unable to restore the circulation. So yesterday, my grandmother had her leg amputated. It's unfortunate, but it was the best option; Option Two was to just let the leg die and keep her hopped up on pain meds for the rest of her life which would leave her in a mental state where she really wouldn't be our [my sisters and I] grandmother mentally anymore. So as I just stated we elected to go with option one.
There's a reason though that my grandmother was able to crawl out of that physical dark hole and keep living. That reason is my Father. He is one two children my grandmother had. Both boys; he is the baby. He is also has Power of Attorney now that she is declining in her mental health. Unfortunately, my uncle, his brother, isn't much a help in all the intricacies that have come with keeping her stable physically and mentally. Being alone in making the decisions and actually having to physically follow through on them has really worn on my father and you can see it. But he perseveres and manages to do what's best for her everyday.
My father is my hero and ultimately always has been growing up, but it wasn't until I became older and could appreciate real world situations that I started to learn life lessons from my father that I know will make me a better man. The reason I speak about my grandmother and my father's efforts to keep her healthy is two-fold. First of all just the fact that he is taking care of her is a valuable and respectable lesson in itself. The second reason is because there was a sub-scenario involving him and his mother's health that I was indirectly a part of, where I learned one of the most valuable lessons from my father. Let delve a little deeper into that.
My father is a Lieutenant of the Washington D.C. Metropolitan Police Officer. He is thought of pretty highly among his peers and ranking officers. He also has been a part of some big name things with other federal law enforcement agencies as a liaison for the department. He's earned everything he has received including some of the perks to being well liked and good at what you do. This included an appointment to the FBI Academy for a 10 week program they offer to police officers domestically and internationally. This is a very prestigious offer very few get. My father was given it around the start of my senior year. Naturally we were all excited. We knew things were going to change a bit while he was gone for the 10 weeks, but him and the rest of the family was STOKED!
Everybody started preparing. We were changing our schedules to get use to what it would be like while he would be gone, he was buying the necessities to stay there for 10 weeks, and we were doing our best to get use helping our mom with a lot more fill the void of his absence. Unfortunately just around the time he was ready to go and wheels were to be set in motion, my grandmother started going down hill. We were figuring out how we would take care of her while he was away and all that jazz, when finally my dad came home one night. It was a Friday, around 6:45 PM, he was supposed to leave that weekend. I was downstairs waiting for the hockey game to start, and he came down and sat with me. We exchanged small talk and finally I asked him when he was leaving that weekend for Quantico (FBI Headquarters and Training Facility).
He looked at me and said he wasn't going. He explained that he had respectfully turned down the offer earlier that day at work explaining then and now to me that he just couldn't leave with my grandmother in the state she was in. I was the first person of the family he had told I respected him for it, but felt kind of bad because I knew he wanted this and how big would have been. But I shrugged it off and went back to watching TV with him in silence. Then shit got real.
My father broke the silence with a sigh and looked at me. I looked back at him. He starts saying to me he feels like Kevin Costner's character in Field of Dreams, where Costner is offered the chance to follow his dead father into the abyss within his cornfield knowing whatever decision he made he couldn't go back and the chance wouldn't come again; just like that he felt with this way with this opportunity, he knew whatever decision he made would be final and the chance wouldn't come again. He was telling me all of this with tears starting to form in his eyes and I could hear is voice starting to choke up. I notice was feeling tears about the form but I used all the strength I had to be strong for him because I knew that's what he needed.
Seeing my father almost breakdown as he explained how hard of a decision it was to give up something that would never come around again to take care of his mother and knowing I was the first person he was telling this to truly showed me how much this meant to him. But he doesn't understand how much that moment meant to me. It was right there Andrew White taught me one the most valuable lessons ever.
Opportunities are going to come your way that are once in a lifetime and your not going to be able to take them; not because of a schedule conflict or because you just don't care, but because something just as irreplaceable but more important because so is going to get in the way, and that's the ones you loved. He showed me that night that he'll never put anything before his family and I'm sure friends included, and I know now that I would never either. Because I see how much stronger my grandmother is because of the decision he made. And I see how much happier he is knowing she is doing better than she would have if had left. I learned from my father that night and these following years after that a hero isn't specifically someone who risks their lives for someone else, but a hero is someone who puts the lives of others before their own, period. No matter the situation.
There's a reason though that my grandmother was able to crawl out of that physical dark hole and keep living. That reason is my Father. He is one two children my grandmother had. Both boys; he is the baby. He is also has Power of Attorney now that she is declining in her mental health. Unfortunately, my uncle, his brother, isn't much a help in all the intricacies that have come with keeping her stable physically and mentally. Being alone in making the decisions and actually having to physically follow through on them has really worn on my father and you can see it. But he perseveres and manages to do what's best for her everyday.
My father is my hero and ultimately always has been growing up, but it wasn't until I became older and could appreciate real world situations that I started to learn life lessons from my father that I know will make me a better man. The reason I speak about my grandmother and my father's efforts to keep her healthy is two-fold. First of all just the fact that he is taking care of her is a valuable and respectable lesson in itself. The second reason is because there was a sub-scenario involving him and his mother's health that I was indirectly a part of, where I learned one of the most valuable lessons from my father. Let delve a little deeper into that.
My father is a Lieutenant of the Washington D.C. Metropolitan Police Officer. He is thought of pretty highly among his peers and ranking officers. He also has been a part of some big name things with other federal law enforcement agencies as a liaison for the department. He's earned everything he has received including some of the perks to being well liked and good at what you do. This included an appointment to the FBI Academy for a 10 week program they offer to police officers domestically and internationally. This is a very prestigious offer very few get. My father was given it around the start of my senior year. Naturally we were all excited. We knew things were going to change a bit while he was gone for the 10 weeks, but him and the rest of the family was STOKED!
Everybody started preparing. We were changing our schedules to get use to what it would be like while he would be gone, he was buying the necessities to stay there for 10 weeks, and we were doing our best to get use helping our mom with a lot more fill the void of his absence. Unfortunately just around the time he was ready to go and wheels were to be set in motion, my grandmother started going down hill. We were figuring out how we would take care of her while he was away and all that jazz, when finally my dad came home one night. It was a Friday, around 6:45 PM, he was supposed to leave that weekend. I was downstairs waiting for the hockey game to start, and he came down and sat with me. We exchanged small talk and finally I asked him when he was leaving that weekend for Quantico (FBI Headquarters and Training Facility).
He looked at me and said he wasn't going. He explained that he had respectfully turned down the offer earlier that day at work explaining then and now to me that he just couldn't leave with my grandmother in the state she was in. I was the first person of the family he had told I respected him for it, but felt kind of bad because I knew he wanted this and how big would have been. But I shrugged it off and went back to watching TV with him in silence. Then shit got real.
My father broke the silence with a sigh and looked at me. I looked back at him. He starts saying to me he feels like Kevin Costner's character in Field of Dreams, where Costner is offered the chance to follow his dead father into the abyss within his cornfield knowing whatever decision he made he couldn't go back and the chance wouldn't come again; just like that he felt with this way with this opportunity, he knew whatever decision he made would be final and the chance wouldn't come again. He was telling me all of this with tears starting to form in his eyes and I could hear is voice starting to choke up. I notice was feeling tears about the form but I used all the strength I had to be strong for him because I knew that's what he needed.
Seeing my father almost breakdown as he explained how hard of a decision it was to give up something that would never come around again to take care of his mother and knowing I was the first person he was telling this to truly showed me how much this meant to him. But he doesn't understand how much that moment meant to me. It was right there Andrew White taught me one the most valuable lessons ever.
Opportunities are going to come your way that are once in a lifetime and your not going to be able to take them; not because of a schedule conflict or because you just don't care, but because something just as irreplaceable but more important because so is going to get in the way, and that's the ones you loved. He showed me that night that he'll never put anything before his family and I'm sure friends included, and I know now that I would never either. Because I see how much stronger my grandmother is because of the decision he made. And I see how much happier he is knowing she is doing better than she would have if had left. I learned from my father that night and these following years after that a hero isn't specifically someone who risks their lives for someone else, but a hero is someone who puts the lives of others before their own, period. No matter the situation.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
When you're a relationship type of person, being single SUCKS! When you're not, then being single doesn't suck. Sorry about that captain obvious statement, but I couldn't think of anything better to say to start this blog haha. But anyway, I'm the relationship type. But I'm also single and I HATE IT! This is going to sound a bit whiny (I promise it's leading to something though) but I haven't been able to get a girlfriend since freshman year of high school when I was allowed to start dating. Every girl I've like hasn't liked me back, and if I've exposed my feelings to them, they've rejected me. I think one of the things that made it hardest on me was freshman year of college. By the end of a high school tenure where I had been perpetually single and unable to get girls, I was depressed. Not in the medical sense but just like in my mind; I was bummed.
But everyone who knew this all told me the same thing at the end of high school: "Just wait for college man. It's totally different. No way you won't get a girl by the end of freshman year."
Well guess what, college is not different at all in this aspect of life, at least it's not different for me. And that's why frosh year made it the hardest. What can I say, I'm a lonely guy, who wants more than just some hookup on a weekend here and there. Will I take a hookup if it comes my way, certainly, but that's only because I'm a human and have needs like everyone else. But I want MORE. I want the days of just talking and laughing. I want the lunch dates and then the hand holding walks around campus and/or to each others class. I want the nights of staying in, cuddling and watching a movie and not caring if the night doesn't go any farther. I want the physical on an occasional basis. I want the mental, knowing we can lean on each other. I want all the aspects.
But I'm sick of hearing people tell me, after they hear this, "Just wait. Good things come to those who wait. I'm sure that's why your still single, something good is down the road." And you know what, they are probably right in their words. But this is how things have been for me since freshman year of high school, and so I'M TIRED OF WAITING!
Now before this blog gets to whiny, I said I was saying this all to make a point, so lets get to that:
January 1st, 2013, sometime in the 9 o'clock hour of the evening, I lost my virginity. This moment is a regret of mine. But let me elaborate.
First, and most important, I don't regret the girl. She is a great girl who I've become friends with since that night. This state of regret has nothing to do with her.
Second, I don't regret the idea of not being a virgin either, because had this night not happen, I still don't for-see me being a virgin till marriage. Which to me is okay, so don't feel bad if you aren't and didn't wait till marriage. It's your life, live it how you want, don't let others make you feel bad for it.
Third, I do regret WHY and HOW I lost my virginity. This is where my point (or life lesson) comes into play.
WHY: Because of how lonely I had become for being single for as long as I had (and still have), I was under the impression that maybe I was single because I was still a virgin. That maybe this gave off an idea of inexperience that scared off girls, in this case, the ones I liked. So I believed I had to lose my virginity in order to better my odds. THIS WAS AND STILL IS STUPID! I don't know how this idea got into my head, but if you're a virgin still and this idea is in your head, get rid of it. I should never have thought this. So like I said, if your still a single virgin who can't seem to get somebody, DON'T EVER THINK THIS IS WHY! Even if a person rejects you for this, don't think about it; you don't need and shouldn't want them; if they rejected you because of this, they don't respect you. And that's what it all boils down to. Respect! Self and for others, and to extent, I think I lacked both.
HOW: I received a phone call from a buddy saying they knew of three girls D.T.F. (Down to Fuck) and they needed one more guy. Me being a naive and horny teenage boy saw this as my chance, and well the rest is history as you already know.
My first time was a meaningless hookup, in all aspects, that I went through because I was stupid and let a misconception guide my decisions/actions. In the moment it seemed great. On the drive home I was texting certain people with jubilee. But as time went on, that happiness and feeling of progress I had faded. The film on my was removed and I realized something, I'M STILL SINGLE! And I threw away my virginity FOR NOTHING! It didn't change anything, except that it left me only more hurt that I had nobody to call my own.
Will I still go for hookups, yeah I probably will, but again it's because I'm human and have human needs, but does that mean all the way, I'm not sure; depends on the situation. I'd like to think I have enough self-control to wait till I'm in a steady relationship with someone before I have sex again, but I can't really know till I reach that bridge and it comes time to cross it.
So, lets establish some things:
Being single as a relationship type of person SUCKS! If you're that way, you're not alone. I know what your going through. And call me a hypocrite, but I'm gonna say it, "Just keep waiting, good things are going to come. You and I both just have to be patient whether we want to or not."
Second sex can be a great thing, don't get me wrong; yeah I've only done it once, but I already can tell it can be, but only when it's done for the right reasons. My reason was not right. So if your having sex or planning on doing so, just make sure it's for the reasons for both yourself and your partner.
And finally, don't let your regrets hold you back. Use them as a beacon to guide you through the darker parts of your life. As a symbol of what could happen if you give into the hard times trying to bring you down. Remember, destruction leads to a very rough road, but it also breeds creation. But it's up to you to take that "destruction" (or regret) and use it as a new blueprint to create. Life gets better!
But everyone who knew this all told me the same thing at the end of high school: "Just wait for college man. It's totally different. No way you won't get a girl by the end of freshman year."
Well guess what, college is not different at all in this aspect of life, at least it's not different for me. And that's why frosh year made it the hardest. What can I say, I'm a lonely guy, who wants more than just some hookup on a weekend here and there. Will I take a hookup if it comes my way, certainly, but that's only because I'm a human and have needs like everyone else. But I want MORE. I want the days of just talking and laughing. I want the lunch dates and then the hand holding walks around campus and/or to each others class. I want the nights of staying in, cuddling and watching a movie and not caring if the night doesn't go any farther. I want the physical on an occasional basis. I want the mental, knowing we can lean on each other. I want all the aspects.
But I'm sick of hearing people tell me, after they hear this, "Just wait. Good things come to those who wait. I'm sure that's why your still single, something good is down the road." And you know what, they are probably right in their words. But this is how things have been for me since freshman year of high school, and so I'M TIRED OF WAITING!
Now before this blog gets to whiny, I said I was saying this all to make a point, so lets get to that:
January 1st, 2013, sometime in the 9 o'clock hour of the evening, I lost my virginity. This moment is a regret of mine. But let me elaborate.
First, and most important, I don't regret the girl. She is a great girl who I've become friends with since that night. This state of regret has nothing to do with her.
Second, I don't regret the idea of not being a virgin either, because had this night not happen, I still don't for-see me being a virgin till marriage. Which to me is okay, so don't feel bad if you aren't and didn't wait till marriage. It's your life, live it how you want, don't let others make you feel bad for it.
Third, I do regret WHY and HOW I lost my virginity. This is where my point (or life lesson) comes into play.
WHY: Because of how lonely I had become for being single for as long as I had (and still have), I was under the impression that maybe I was single because I was still a virgin. That maybe this gave off an idea of inexperience that scared off girls, in this case, the ones I liked. So I believed I had to lose my virginity in order to better my odds. THIS WAS AND STILL IS STUPID! I don't know how this idea got into my head, but if you're a virgin still and this idea is in your head, get rid of it. I should never have thought this. So like I said, if your still a single virgin who can't seem to get somebody, DON'T EVER THINK THIS IS WHY! Even if a person rejects you for this, don't think about it; you don't need and shouldn't want them; if they rejected you because of this, they don't respect you. And that's what it all boils down to. Respect! Self and for others, and to extent, I think I lacked both.
HOW: I received a phone call from a buddy saying they knew of three girls D.T.F. (Down to Fuck) and they needed one more guy. Me being a naive and horny teenage boy saw this as my chance, and well the rest is history as you already know.
My first time was a meaningless hookup, in all aspects, that I went through because I was stupid and let a misconception guide my decisions/actions. In the moment it seemed great. On the drive home I was texting certain people with jubilee. But as time went on, that happiness and feeling of progress I had faded. The film on my was removed and I realized something, I'M STILL SINGLE! And I threw away my virginity FOR NOTHING! It didn't change anything, except that it left me only more hurt that I had nobody to call my own.
Will I still go for hookups, yeah I probably will, but again it's because I'm human and have human needs, but does that mean all the way, I'm not sure; depends on the situation. I'd like to think I have enough self-control to wait till I'm in a steady relationship with someone before I have sex again, but I can't really know till I reach that bridge and it comes time to cross it.
So, lets establish some things:
Being single as a relationship type of person SUCKS! If you're that way, you're not alone. I know what your going through. And call me a hypocrite, but I'm gonna say it, "Just keep waiting, good things are going to come. You and I both just have to be patient whether we want to or not."
Second sex can be a great thing, don't get me wrong; yeah I've only done it once, but I already can tell it can be, but only when it's done for the right reasons. My reason was not right. So if your having sex or planning on doing so, just make sure it's for the reasons for both yourself and your partner.
And finally, don't let your regrets hold you back. Use them as a beacon to guide you through the darker parts of your life. As a symbol of what could happen if you give into the hard times trying to bring you down. Remember, destruction leads to a very rough road, but it also breeds creation. But it's up to you to take that "destruction" (or regret) and use it as a new blueprint to create. Life gets better!
Friday, September 13, 2013
Spread the Word to End the Word
So last night I went clubbing for "Thirsty Thursdays" as the kids call it these days. And while there I was just kinda wandering around the club; I've never been good at asking girls to dance, so I tend to just be in that group of people who dance as a unit. This was the case for as well this night. I was having fun just bouncing around and being a goober, when "Let's get it Started" by the Black Eyed Peas came on. This was a song I loved to break it down to back in they day, so naturally I was HYPED! The first got rolling and I was feeling it. But unfortunately things took a severe left turn. Upon reaching the chorus of the song, I realized that the DJ was not playing "Let's get it started" by the Black Eyed Peas, but their original version of the song "Let's get R******d".
Instantly my energy was drained and I was filled with some discomfort. There was a few reasons for this. The main one: I don't like that word at least when used in the connotation it was being used in here. The other reasons are more like sub-reasons to go along with that main one.
First, how could the Black Eyed Peas ever thought this was a good idea of a song to make. This is the same group that wrote, "Where is the love". Singing about getting stupid for shits and giggles and equating it to being like a person with a mental handicap is TERRIBLE. That's not spreading love, that's spreading ignorance; ignorance leads to dumb/blind hate. And I assure you, that the people the song is referring too do not think having the handicap they do is fun and I assure you they don't get shits and giggles from it. And neither do their family and friends.
Second, the music a DJ plays, though it may not be his personal choice/iTunes he's blasting, it's still music he/she has to go out and acquire themselves even if it's not for personal enjoyment. This means he could have easily just gotten the "Let's get it Started" version, but he didn't, which is poor taste and un-classy. I mean seriously, even if it is a DJing job at some dirty club, have SOME decency.
Third, a lot of the people in the club were un-phased by the song and were even singing it including the word. It just felt like people were basking in their own ignorance to what they were singing and what they were suggesting in lyrics leaving their mouths. Just like the Black Eyed Peas themselves, when you sing that song, you too are equating everything be sung to the same thing the Black Eyed Peas were when they wrote/recorded it. And as humans, I'd like to think we're better than that.
I myself am not completely against the word. Let me explain. I believe the word retard and it's various tenses should be allowed in common vernacular, but ONLY when used in the proper connotation it was intended. For example I saw the word just the other day in my Physics text book, but I was un-phased by it because the author was using it properly. Unfortunately we've made it into an atrocious SLUR to describe a person, ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, with a mental handicap they can't control having and I'm sure they didn't ask for or to describe a person acting in a manner you don't approve and equating it to that handicapped person. That's when using this word becomes UNACCEPTABLE, at least from my perspective. How could you ever say that about a person.
People with disabilities of the mind are still humans who deserve love. And you know what they are still just like the rest of us. They have feelings, they have likes and dislikes, they hobbies, and when you cut them, they bleed red TOO! To outcast them or classify them or assume the worst for/about them because of their disability is to dehumanize them. And when you use that word in relation to them at any capacity, even if you don't intend to offend, YOU STILL DO! But not only do you offend them, you offend their families, friends, and the many of us who believe in the idea we as humans are equal require of race, orientation, religion, or even mental capacity. When you use that word in that connotation, you're insinuating a lesser opinion, which is similar to that of Hitler. This analogy is a bit severe but it's still comparable.
Certainly you can make the argument of Freedom of speech provided by the First Amendment, but this is one of those give an inch take a mile scenarios. Just because you have freedom or ability to do something, doesn't mean you need to take advantage and be a dick. So just find another word, it's not that hard of a task, and there are countless ones out there. And for those of us against this connotation of word, lets better ourselves at correcting others respectfully when they use it. I know people who do, including some closer friends, and I'm sure you do to, so lets just work together at holding others and ourselves responsible as we work to make the world a better place for all.
Instantly my energy was drained and I was filled with some discomfort. There was a few reasons for this. The main one: I don't like that word at least when used in the connotation it was being used in here. The other reasons are more like sub-reasons to go along with that main one.
First, how could the Black Eyed Peas ever thought this was a good idea of a song to make. This is the same group that wrote, "Where is the love". Singing about getting stupid for shits and giggles and equating it to being like a person with a mental handicap is TERRIBLE. That's not spreading love, that's spreading ignorance; ignorance leads to dumb/blind hate. And I assure you, that the people the song is referring too do not think having the handicap they do is fun and I assure you they don't get shits and giggles from it. And neither do their family and friends.
Second, the music a DJ plays, though it may not be his personal choice/iTunes he's blasting, it's still music he/she has to go out and acquire themselves even if it's not for personal enjoyment. This means he could have easily just gotten the "Let's get it Started" version, but he didn't, which is poor taste and un-classy. I mean seriously, even if it is a DJing job at some dirty club, have SOME decency.
Third, a lot of the people in the club were un-phased by the song and were even singing it including the word. It just felt like people were basking in their own ignorance to what they were singing and what they were suggesting in lyrics leaving their mouths. Just like the Black Eyed Peas themselves, when you sing that song, you too are equating everything be sung to the same thing the Black Eyed Peas were when they wrote/recorded it. And as humans, I'd like to think we're better than that.
I myself am not completely against the word. Let me explain. I believe the word retard and it's various tenses should be allowed in common vernacular, but ONLY when used in the proper connotation it was intended. For example I saw the word just the other day in my Physics text book, but I was un-phased by it because the author was using it properly. Unfortunately we've made it into an atrocious SLUR to describe a person, ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, with a mental handicap they can't control having and I'm sure they didn't ask for or to describe a person acting in a manner you don't approve and equating it to that handicapped person. That's when using this word becomes UNACCEPTABLE, at least from my perspective. How could you ever say that about a person.
People with disabilities of the mind are still humans who deserve love. And you know what they are still just like the rest of us. They have feelings, they have likes and dislikes, they hobbies, and when you cut them, they bleed red TOO! To outcast them or classify them or assume the worst for/about them because of their disability is to dehumanize them. And when you use that word in relation to them at any capacity, even if you don't intend to offend, YOU STILL DO! But not only do you offend them, you offend their families, friends, and the many of us who believe in the idea we as humans are equal require of race, orientation, religion, or even mental capacity. When you use that word in that connotation, you're insinuating a lesser opinion, which is similar to that of Hitler. This analogy is a bit severe but it's still comparable.
Certainly you can make the argument of Freedom of speech provided by the First Amendment, but this is one of those give an inch take a mile scenarios. Just because you have freedom or ability to do something, doesn't mean you need to take advantage and be a dick. So just find another word, it's not that hard of a task, and there are countless ones out there. And for those of us against this connotation of word, lets better ourselves at correcting others respectfully when they use it. I know people who do, including some closer friends, and I'm sure you do to, so lets just work together at holding others and ourselves responsible as we work to make the world a better place for all.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tomorrow Holds Such Better Days
Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013. I wake up around 8:20 AM to what sounds like laughter in the room next door. I figure it's my dorm neighbors cracking jokes as they get ready and prepare to head off to their 9 o'clocks. My class isn't until Noon, so I shrug it off and go back to sleep. 11 AM rolls around and I sit up in my loft bed, feet hang off the side, still groggy.
My best friend, and roommate at the time, looks at me and says, "Hey, somebody killed themselves this morning."
Instantly it all clicked in my head. The noise I was hearing next door earlier that morning was not laughter, but crying. Immediately what I knew what he was going to say next, but I was already preparing myself to not believe it.
He looks at me; solemnly he says, "Larry jumped from the sixth floor of Stuart [dormitory complex] this morning."
On Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013, in the early morning hours, Larry Cook took his own life. These words pierced through me; I was numb from that point on the rest of the day. Larry was not just a dorm neighbor, but he was friend. We watched sports together from time, played basketball occasionally, and he was the only person who could get me to go out on Thursday nights when I knew I should stay in and get a better nights rest than I usually did for my classes. I was so confused, as anyone would be after hearing news of a friends suicide. Your left with only questions; no answers. Plus, Larry was such a personable guy with a smile that could light up the darkest of rooms, so naturally it just didn't make any sense.
The following weeks were pretty rough. The incident had happened the day of classes resuming post Easter break. Getting back into the swing of things and buckling down for the home stretch of the year were not made any easier.
Even though I love to party and go out every weekend, I don't drink, never been me. Well after what happened with Larry, for the next three weekends, I did. I drank till I was drunk and numb of the pain. I disguised under the ruse that I was drinking to just have a good time with friends and to finally see what drinking was like, but I knew the real reason why. I was just to ashamed to admit it. Eventually though, I came to terms with what had occurred and realized what I was doing wasn't me. And even if I was hurt, that was no excuse to not continuing being who I am. It wasn't fair too me. So I decided to improve my life choices as a means to honor Larry. He was a very proactive person, and hearing and learning so much more about him in the aftermath of his death inspired me to be proactive as well. I stopped being a stagnant community member and signed on to do a nine week service trip to the Appalachian region of eastern Kentucky with my school.
It was an incredible experience. Not just something that I wanted to do, but something that I NEEDED to do. I learned so much about myself while on the trip. And also a lot more about the world around me and what the human will is capable of. I also saw the person I wanted to be; a person like Larry. But why do I tell you all of this? Here is why:
I feel too often, someone around dies (especially if they were young), and we say something like, "Life's too short and we need to live like everyday could be our last." Or something cliché like that.
But then, do we? NO. We go back to whatever B.S. we were doing and continue are stagnant daily routines. We've become so naturalized to idea of complacency, that even when we're inspired to improve, we get sucked back into not. So I tell you all this as a challenge. I CHALLENGE you to take what I've given you in this post and go out LIVE as if today truly was your last. Don't take this life you have for granted and waste it.
Also, I challenge you to show everyone life if worth living. There's two people in us all. The one our family, friends, acquaintances, and peers see and the one we are when we're alone. Because so, we really can have no idea who is really in love with life and who isn't. So like I previously stated, show EVERYONE life if worth living. Get off you butt and be PROACTIVE!
Let's help prevent anymore lives lost too soon!
My best friend, and roommate at the time, looks at me and says, "Hey, somebody killed themselves this morning."
Instantly it all clicked in my head. The noise I was hearing next door earlier that morning was not laughter, but crying. Immediately what I knew what he was going to say next, but I was already preparing myself to not believe it.
He looks at me; solemnly he says, "Larry jumped from the sixth floor of Stuart [dormitory complex] this morning."
On Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013, in the early morning hours, Larry Cook took his own life. These words pierced through me; I was numb from that point on the rest of the day. Larry was not just a dorm neighbor, but he was friend. We watched sports together from time, played basketball occasionally, and he was the only person who could get me to go out on Thursday nights when I knew I should stay in and get a better nights rest than I usually did for my classes. I was so confused, as anyone would be after hearing news of a friends suicide. Your left with only questions; no answers. Plus, Larry was such a personable guy with a smile that could light up the darkest of rooms, so naturally it just didn't make any sense.
The following weeks were pretty rough. The incident had happened the day of classes resuming post Easter break. Getting back into the swing of things and buckling down for the home stretch of the year were not made any easier.
Even though I love to party and go out every weekend, I don't drink, never been me. Well after what happened with Larry, for the next three weekends, I did. I drank till I was drunk and numb of the pain. I disguised under the ruse that I was drinking to just have a good time with friends and to finally see what drinking was like, but I knew the real reason why. I was just to ashamed to admit it. Eventually though, I came to terms with what had occurred and realized what I was doing wasn't me. And even if I was hurt, that was no excuse to not continuing being who I am. It wasn't fair too me. So I decided to improve my life choices as a means to honor Larry. He was a very proactive person, and hearing and learning so much more about him in the aftermath of his death inspired me to be proactive as well. I stopped being a stagnant community member and signed on to do a nine week service trip to the Appalachian region of eastern Kentucky with my school.
It was an incredible experience. Not just something that I wanted to do, but something that I NEEDED to do. I learned so much about myself while on the trip. And also a lot more about the world around me and what the human will is capable of. I also saw the person I wanted to be; a person like Larry. But why do I tell you all of this? Here is why:
I feel too often, someone around dies (especially if they were young), and we say something like, "Life's too short and we need to live like everyday could be our last." Or something cliché like that.
But then, do we? NO. We go back to whatever B.S. we were doing and continue are stagnant daily routines. We've become so naturalized to idea of complacency, that even when we're inspired to improve, we get sucked back into not. So I tell you all this as a challenge. I CHALLENGE you to take what I've given you in this post and go out LIVE as if today truly was your last. Don't take this life you have for granted and waste it.
Also, I challenge you to show everyone life if worth living. There's two people in us all. The one our family, friends, acquaintances, and peers see and the one we are when we're alone. Because so, we really can have no idea who is really in love with life and who isn't. So like I previously stated, show EVERYONE life if worth living. Get off you butt and be PROACTIVE!
Let's help prevent anymore lives lost too soon!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Love at First Sight?
One of the topics many people love to discuss and light heartedly debate is love at first sight. Some people believe in it which for those people that would naturally mean this person they're seeing and falling in with immediately at first sight they would consider they're soul mate. Some people don't believe in it, but do believe in a soul mate. Others don't believe either, but still believe in love. And finally even some don't believe in love at all. Well I tried to tackle the issue in relation to me in a paper I wrote in high school.
When I was a senior in high school, for English class we would have to give an Oral Presentation, or an O.P. for short. This was a paper you wrote and presented orally to the class and then you would have a peer discussion on the topic. What you wrote about was your choice but the guidelines were that you pick a topic and first write an anecdote of how you relate to it and then discuss how society as a whole may relate to it. At least I believe those were the guidelines, my memory is a little hazy on that part. Here is what I wrote:
"The subject my O.P. is written about is hard for me to talk about, and I’m not sure
anyone can relate too much to any of it, which makes it harder. I mean as I sit here at my keyboard typing my hand it trembling from nerves, which doesn’t make sense because the only one here is me. I guess knowing that I’m going to be reading this to all of you is what is making me nervous. Now that I’ve said all of this I’m left asking myself “Why am I even talking about it then?” I guess it’s because sometimes there’s that one thing you just have to get out of you and it’s searching for an excuse to do so; well this O.P. is my excuse. And I have a hunch that most of you will have the same question at the end of this, during the post-O.P. discussion, and I’m going tell you right now that I am not going to tell you. So here we go:
For my O.P. instead of telling one story, I will tell three very brief anecdotes that relate to each other as well as my topic. But first, a little build-up: we’ve all liked a girl/guy as more than a friend. But even this form of attraction can vary. Theirs the person you have a crush on; theirs the person you really like and want a shot with; and then there’s the person you like so much that it’s love, and I’m not talking about the kind of love where it’s like “Oh, we’ve been together for 6 months now”. Not that that isn’t a real form of love but I’m talking about this feeling you get where you just know you want to spend forever with someone. You want to support them in every way, you want a family with them, and you want them to put their life in your hands because you would do any and everything for them including giving up you life for them. Most of us have experienced the first two kinds, but what if I told you I’ve experienced the third kind, towards a girl I’m not even with, and heck she’s not even single. I know many of you are right now thinking, bro, you’re a naïve 18 year old boy who hasn’t even graduated high school yet, and you think you know something as bold as that already. I mean yeah, there is still a lot of life ahead of me, but I…I don’t know how to explain it.
One night my uncle, who is related to me by marriage, which I say only to add to the impressiveness of this story, was sitting at a bar with his best friend. They were sharing some
brews and enjoying each other’s company and living the lives of bachelors. Eventually my uncle taps his friend and gestures towards a young lady at the end of the bar he had never met before and says to him, “You see that girl at the end of the bar, I’m going to marry her.” That woman is my aunt. They are still happily married today and have two healthy children in college.
My father was introduced to a young lady by a mutual friend. He tells my sisters and me that he knew on the first date that he was going to marry this girl. And he actually told her so on the third date. Obviously he knew what he was saying because she is my mom. They’ll be married for 26 years May 10th and they’ve had four children including me.
My Grandfather was attracted to this beautiful woman from New York who moved down here to Maryland because of the Great Depression. He asked her out, she said no. A little while later he asked her out again, she said no. Finally he decided to ask her out one more time, she said yes. This beautiful woman from New York was my grandmother. They were married for too long for me to count, they had 6 children including my mom, and they even took in a niece because her parents could not raise her.
How did they know? How did my uncle, father, and grandfather know without a shadow of a doubt that these were the women they were going to spend forever with. I just don’t know. All I know is here I am this naïve 18 year old boy, and I’m pretty sure I’ve already had that moment as well. I’m positive it’s not lust, because I don’t look at this girl and only think, “I want to tap that”. I look at her think here is a girl that words fall short of putting a description to, and I want to wake up every day knowing she’s mine, knowing that we’re relying on each other, and I will travel to ends of the earth to make sure I don’t let her down and ultimately want to spend forever with. A girl I would lay down my life for and that is not an over-exaggeration. There is just something about her that shuts me off from the rest of the world and takes me to another dimension. Like the way she gives me sass and I act like it bothers me but we both know I love it. It’s the little things, the big things, and everything in between and what makes it all even better is she’s humble and acts like she’s nothing special.
Unfortunately the way everything is currently arranged all odds say I’m wrong and I’m not supposed to be with her, but still there’s some form of quiet confidence inside of me saying, “Yeah I am, just wait, you’ll see”. Why is it some of us, myself included, are just so sure about something like this when it’s such an unsure topic in such and unsure world?"
As time has passed since I've written that paper, I'm not sure where I stand anymore on love at first sight. Part of me now agrees with those people that said I was a naive 18 year old boy in high school that needed to do more living. Because here we are now, a few years gone by, and I'm not so sure I'm going to end up with that girl. I mean a small part of me still holds hope, but it's a very small part. But, I think it's a good thing that it's a small part of me, and almost all of myself has moved on, because if I hadn't, I don't think I would be capable of ever truly put myself out there in the search for love with someone, if I was always ruled by this "romantic comedy" notion I had built up in my mind. Time changes things, including our feelings about and for others. All you can do is live this roller coaster of life and hope when the ride is done, you didn't throw up TOO much, metaphorically of course. (Maybe literally on a few nights in college) So even if you do believe in love at first sight, DON'T let it control all that you do in the game of love, because if it's real, then as long as you just do you and let the pieces fall into place, then you'll have nothing to worry about, for you will be with that one that caught your glance, myself included.
When I was a senior in high school, for English class we would have to give an Oral Presentation, or an O.P. for short. This was a paper you wrote and presented orally to the class and then you would have a peer discussion on the topic. What you wrote about was your choice but the guidelines were that you pick a topic and first write an anecdote of how you relate to it and then discuss how society as a whole may relate to it. At least I believe those were the guidelines, my memory is a little hazy on that part. Here is what I wrote:
"The subject my O.P. is written about is hard for me to talk about, and I’m not sure
anyone can relate too much to any of it, which makes it harder. I mean as I sit here at my keyboard typing my hand it trembling from nerves, which doesn’t make sense because the only one here is me. I guess knowing that I’m going to be reading this to all of you is what is making me nervous. Now that I’ve said all of this I’m left asking myself “Why am I even talking about it then?” I guess it’s because sometimes there’s that one thing you just have to get out of you and it’s searching for an excuse to do so; well this O.P. is my excuse. And I have a hunch that most of you will have the same question at the end of this, during the post-O.P. discussion, and I’m going tell you right now that I am not going to tell you. So here we go:
For my O.P. instead of telling one story, I will tell three very brief anecdotes that relate to each other as well as my topic. But first, a little build-up: we’ve all liked a girl/guy as more than a friend. But even this form of attraction can vary. Theirs the person you have a crush on; theirs the person you really like and want a shot with; and then there’s the person you like so much that it’s love, and I’m not talking about the kind of love where it’s like “Oh, we’ve been together for 6 months now”. Not that that isn’t a real form of love but I’m talking about this feeling you get where you just know you want to spend forever with someone. You want to support them in every way, you want a family with them, and you want them to put their life in your hands because you would do any and everything for them including giving up you life for them. Most of us have experienced the first two kinds, but what if I told you I’ve experienced the third kind, towards a girl I’m not even with, and heck she’s not even single. I know many of you are right now thinking, bro, you’re a naïve 18 year old boy who hasn’t even graduated high school yet, and you think you know something as bold as that already. I mean yeah, there is still a lot of life ahead of me, but I…I don’t know how to explain it.
One night my uncle, who is related to me by marriage, which I say only to add to the impressiveness of this story, was sitting at a bar with his best friend. They were sharing some
brews and enjoying each other’s company and living the lives of bachelors. Eventually my uncle taps his friend and gestures towards a young lady at the end of the bar he had never met before and says to him, “You see that girl at the end of the bar, I’m going to marry her.” That woman is my aunt. They are still happily married today and have two healthy children in college.
My father was introduced to a young lady by a mutual friend. He tells my sisters and me that he knew on the first date that he was going to marry this girl. And he actually told her so on the third date. Obviously he knew what he was saying because she is my mom. They’ll be married for 26 years May 10th and they’ve had four children including me.
My Grandfather was attracted to this beautiful woman from New York who moved down here to Maryland because of the Great Depression. He asked her out, she said no. A little while later he asked her out again, she said no. Finally he decided to ask her out one more time, she said yes. This beautiful woman from New York was my grandmother. They were married for too long for me to count, they had 6 children including my mom, and they even took in a niece because her parents could not raise her.
How did they know? How did my uncle, father, and grandfather know without a shadow of a doubt that these were the women they were going to spend forever with. I just don’t know. All I know is here I am this naïve 18 year old boy, and I’m pretty sure I’ve already had that moment as well. I’m positive it’s not lust, because I don’t look at this girl and only think, “I want to tap that”. I look at her think here is a girl that words fall short of putting a description to, and I want to wake up every day knowing she’s mine, knowing that we’re relying on each other, and I will travel to ends of the earth to make sure I don’t let her down and ultimately want to spend forever with. A girl I would lay down my life for and that is not an over-exaggeration. There is just something about her that shuts me off from the rest of the world and takes me to another dimension. Like the way she gives me sass and I act like it bothers me but we both know I love it. It’s the little things, the big things, and everything in between and what makes it all even better is she’s humble and acts like she’s nothing special.
Unfortunately the way everything is currently arranged all odds say I’m wrong and I’m not supposed to be with her, but still there’s some form of quiet confidence inside of me saying, “Yeah I am, just wait, you’ll see”. Why is it some of us, myself included, are just so sure about something like this when it’s such an unsure topic in such and unsure world?"
As time has passed since I've written that paper, I'm not sure where I stand anymore on love at first sight. Part of me now agrees with those people that said I was a naive 18 year old boy in high school that needed to do more living. Because here we are now, a few years gone by, and I'm not so sure I'm going to end up with that girl. I mean a small part of me still holds hope, but it's a very small part. But, I think it's a good thing that it's a small part of me, and almost all of myself has moved on, because if I hadn't, I don't think I would be capable of ever truly put myself out there in the search for love with someone, if I was always ruled by this "romantic comedy" notion I had built up in my mind. Time changes things, including our feelings about and for others. All you can do is live this roller coaster of life and hope when the ride is done, you didn't throw up TOO much, metaphorically of course. (Maybe literally on a few nights in college) So even if you do believe in love at first sight, DON'T let it control all that you do in the game of love, because if it's real, then as long as you just do you and let the pieces fall into place, then you'll have nothing to worry about, for you will be with that one that caught your glance, myself included.
You want Apologies, Girl you Might Hold your Breath...
Hello everybody, Bow Tie Chris here, and it's time for my first actual blog post. So lets begin:
To really appreciate this blog topic, I first have to give you some slight backstory in order for you to understand and appreciate it. So, I went on this double date with this girl I like. But I could tell she didn't think it was a date when it came time to pay and she was surprised that I paid for her. That isn't something that's a surprise to you when you know it's a date, and I'm sure it wasn't that she's just a modern girl who doesn't believe in the old fashion tradition that the guy pays for her. But ultimately, it didn't seem like an issue because we still ended up spending most of the night together. My act of chivalry hadn't scared her off. But, I'll be honest, I was subtle about liking her even though I didn't just come right out and say. Everyone could tell how I felt including her, but eventually as the days went on and after speaking with her roommate, the conclusion had been reached that she wasn't interested in me like that. I'm used to rejection (we're best friends him and I) so I was content with not saying anything to her and just keeping our good friendship. I kind of saw our situation like Schrodinger's Cat: as long as I didn't say anything to her about how I really felt she couldn't like or reject me for it. I could assume the best and worst at the same time.
Well, about week after all of this, I was just reminiscing of my high school days and got to thinking about all the girls who used the "I really cherish our friendship" excuse as a reason not to date me instead of just straight up rejecting me, and so I posted this status on Facebook: "I hate those girls that when you tell them you like them they tell you they just like you as a really good friend. But right after they feed you that soft line of rejection they stop contributing to this so called "good friendship" they didn't want to possibly get destroyed by a relationship. The texts stop flowing, the hangouts stop happening, and when they see you they try to avoid you. It's all just bullshit." A couple of hours after posting this status, I receive word from my best friend that this girl I went on the date with thought it was about her. He had her this from her roommate who he is friends with.
This information actually made me very angry, because the status had nothing to do with her. Like I said, I NEVER told her how I felt, so she couldn't have qualified. There were two reasons I was so angry. First, she was mad at me for an issue she caused herself in her mind because of an assumption she made, and we all know what happens when you assume. Second, now because of this assumption she has made, I can't just let this blow over. I have actually speak with and open that box with the can in it that is our relationship (currently friendship still). Like I said, I was perfectly content with not saying anything and enjoying a friendship with her, but because of her assumption and little hissy fit, now we have to discuss my feelings for her.
As I previously stated, I hadn't been subtle in terms of my feelings for her, and since she did know I like her, she thought the status was about her because she knew I like her but also hadn't been able to talk/hang much with me and she thought I had attributed that to the fact the we both knew that she knew I like her. Well we talked and cleared the air in the sense that we established the status wasn't about her. The problem though is like I said, I had to tell how I felt, and now that I have, she honestly is living up to everything the status said.
How are you going to get so angry about something and be so adamant that you aren't like that, but the minute the time comes to put your money where your mouth is, you go and prove everything I said true. It's so hypocritical and frustrating. Especially when she also had the nerve to ask at one point during the conversation, "Do you actually cherish our friendship?" Because she felt that even if the status wasn't about her, I still sounded bitter. What kind of question is that, first of all, of course I cherish our friendship. Secondly, OF COURSE I'M BITTER! If I hadn't had cherished those friendships I had in high school that got ruined because I revealed my true feelings, I wouldn't be bitter. But I did cherish them, A LOT! So it saddened me that those girls would use friendship as an excuse but then stop being my friend. And now here she is doing the same thing when she insisted she wasn't that kind of girl. It's just all hypocritical and a bit of slap in the face to me for stepping up to the plate and trying to fix a problem I didn't even create. She did with her silly high schooler assumption.
Disclaimer: Yes I know guys do this stuff too, but being a male, I'm speaking from the male perspective. Naturally if you're a girl reading this, you can reverse the roles and still appreciate the message of this POST.
To really appreciate this blog topic, I first have to give you some slight backstory in order for you to understand and appreciate it. So, I went on this double date with this girl I like. But I could tell she didn't think it was a date when it came time to pay and she was surprised that I paid for her. That isn't something that's a surprise to you when you know it's a date, and I'm sure it wasn't that she's just a modern girl who doesn't believe in the old fashion tradition that the guy pays for her. But ultimately, it didn't seem like an issue because we still ended up spending most of the night together. My act of chivalry hadn't scared her off. But, I'll be honest, I was subtle about liking her even though I didn't just come right out and say. Everyone could tell how I felt including her, but eventually as the days went on and after speaking with her roommate, the conclusion had been reached that she wasn't interested in me like that. I'm used to rejection (we're best friends him and I) so I was content with not saying anything to her and just keeping our good friendship. I kind of saw our situation like Schrodinger's Cat: as long as I didn't say anything to her about how I really felt she couldn't like or reject me for it. I could assume the best and worst at the same time.
Well, about week after all of this, I was just reminiscing of my high school days and got to thinking about all the girls who used the "I really cherish our friendship" excuse as a reason not to date me instead of just straight up rejecting me, and so I posted this status on Facebook: "I hate those girls that when you tell them you like them they tell you they just like you as a really good friend. But right after they feed you that soft line of rejection they stop contributing to this so called "good friendship" they didn't want to possibly get destroyed by a relationship. The texts stop flowing, the hangouts stop happening, and when they see you they try to avoid you. It's all just bullshit." A couple of hours after posting this status, I receive word from my best friend that this girl I went on the date with thought it was about her. He had her this from her roommate who he is friends with.
This information actually made me very angry, because the status had nothing to do with her. Like I said, I NEVER told her how I felt, so she couldn't have qualified. There were two reasons I was so angry. First, she was mad at me for an issue she caused herself in her mind because of an assumption she made, and we all know what happens when you assume. Second, now because of this assumption she has made, I can't just let this blow over. I have actually speak with and open that box with the can in it that is our relationship (currently friendship still). Like I said, I was perfectly content with not saying anything and enjoying a friendship with her, but because of her assumption and little hissy fit, now we have to discuss my feelings for her.
As I previously stated, I hadn't been subtle in terms of my feelings for her, and since she did know I like her, she thought the status was about her because she knew I like her but also hadn't been able to talk/hang much with me and she thought I had attributed that to the fact the we both knew that she knew I like her. Well we talked and cleared the air in the sense that we established the status wasn't about her. The problem though is like I said, I had to tell how I felt, and now that I have, she honestly is living up to everything the status said.
How are you going to get so angry about something and be so adamant that you aren't like that, but the minute the time comes to put your money where your mouth is, you go and prove everything I said true. It's so hypocritical and frustrating. Especially when she also had the nerve to ask at one point during the conversation, "Do you actually cherish our friendship?" Because she felt that even if the status wasn't about her, I still sounded bitter. What kind of question is that, first of all, of course I cherish our friendship. Secondly, OF COURSE I'M BITTER! If I hadn't had cherished those friendships I had in high school that got ruined because I revealed my true feelings, I wouldn't be bitter. But I did cherish them, A LOT! So it saddened me that those girls would use friendship as an excuse but then stop being my friend. And now here she is doing the same thing when she insisted she wasn't that kind of girl. It's just all hypocritical and a bit of slap in the face to me for stepping up to the plate and trying to fix a problem I didn't even create. She did with her silly high schooler assumption.
Disclaimer: Yes I know guys do this stuff too, but being a male, I'm speaking from the male perspective. Naturally if you're a girl reading this, you can reverse the roles and still appreciate the message of this POST.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Introductions
Hello everybody, and welcome to my blog: Behind the Bow Tie. Before I get started, I just want to make a few disclaimers.
First, I have never blogged before, so I have little experience in this field of networking; my blog in every aspect will most likely be week for a little bit as I gain knowledge in how this all works.
Second, I'm not here to make friends or enemies, just to vent about anything and everything as means to keep from going insane or feeling down. So, if I offend/hurt anyone with my words, I apologize, thats not my intent. Now that we have established all this, lets begin.
My name is Christopher Malloy White, but everyone whether I know them or not, knows me as Bow Tie Chris. As you can assume, yes, it is because I wear a bow tie. But more specifically it is because I wear one EVERYDAY. I was born January 3rd, 1994 and am 19 years old. I attend the University of Dayton as a current sophomore where I major in Criminal Justice Studies with a Pre-Law Focus.
I grew up in a great, family oriented, household. I have both my parents and they have been happily married for 27 years. I also have three older sisters, but no brothers. That makes me the baby and the only boy, or as I like to put it: The baby boy, the pride and joy. (I promise I'm not actually that conceited haha)
Music and sports are my LIFE! When it comes to music I play guitar, piano, and drums and I write/compose my own stuff, but I don't my own stuff because I'm very critical of myself when it comes to my own songs. In terms of sports, if it's a sport I most likely love it. I play them all for my own amusement and watch most of them too for the same reason. I especially enjoy snowboarding and longboarding. They are great ways for me to get an adrenaline rush while clearing my head. A bit ironic I know, but it works for me.
My other hobbies, beside music and sports, are collecting vinyl records and bow ties. And yes I tie my own. Not sound pretentious or snobby, but I believe all men should be able to tie their own tie wether it is a straight one or a bow one. I like the classier look, thats why I wear nicer clothes with a bow tie everyday. People say I'm fratty or hipster, but I assure you I'm neither.
Besides that, there's nothing really left to know about me in terms of social introductions. I'm an open book; there isn't a question you couldn't ask me that I won't answer.
So there you have it. I'm Bow Tie Chris, and this is: Behind the Bow Tie.
First, I have never blogged before, so I have little experience in this field of networking; my blog in every aspect will most likely be week for a little bit as I gain knowledge in how this all works.
Second, I'm not here to make friends or enemies, just to vent about anything and everything as means to keep from going insane or feeling down. So, if I offend/hurt anyone with my words, I apologize, thats not my intent. Now that we have established all this, lets begin.
My name is Christopher Malloy White, but everyone whether I know them or not, knows me as Bow Tie Chris. As you can assume, yes, it is because I wear a bow tie. But more specifically it is because I wear one EVERYDAY. I was born January 3rd, 1994 and am 19 years old. I attend the University of Dayton as a current sophomore where I major in Criminal Justice Studies with a Pre-Law Focus.
I grew up in a great, family oriented, household. I have both my parents and they have been happily married for 27 years. I also have three older sisters, but no brothers. That makes me the baby and the only boy, or as I like to put it: The baby boy, the pride and joy. (I promise I'm not actually that conceited haha)
Music and sports are my LIFE! When it comes to music I play guitar, piano, and drums and I write/compose my own stuff, but I don't my own stuff because I'm very critical of myself when it comes to my own songs. In terms of sports, if it's a sport I most likely love it. I play them all for my own amusement and watch most of them too for the same reason. I especially enjoy snowboarding and longboarding. They are great ways for me to get an adrenaline rush while clearing my head. A bit ironic I know, but it works for me.
My other hobbies, beside music and sports, are collecting vinyl records and bow ties. And yes I tie my own. Not sound pretentious or snobby, but I believe all men should be able to tie their own tie wether it is a straight one or a bow one. I like the classier look, thats why I wear nicer clothes with a bow tie everyday. People say I'm fratty or hipster, but I assure you I'm neither.
Besides that, there's nothing really left to know about me in terms of social introductions. I'm an open book; there isn't a question you couldn't ask me that I won't answer.
So there you have it. I'm Bow Tie Chris, and this is: Behind the Bow Tie.
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