Grandparents; they're supposed to be the fun "parents" while our actual parents play the role of "bad guy." They spoil us, teach us life lessons they've learned from the many years they've lived, and make sure we're good kids who don't worry our parents as much as we did. I never knew my grandfathers, but this at least this seems to be the kind of relationship I've had. But here's where it takes a sour left turn. This the kind of relationship I've had with only ONE of my grandmothers...I've had both in my life. And still have one of them, but it's the grandmother I don't have this relationship with.
Growing up, we've always been very close with my mother's side of the family. My dad's side is extremely small, and well, we're very estranged from them. The only one from his side we really ever see is his mother, our grandmother. Still, compared to the relationship we had with our grandmother on my mom's side, you could still make an argument that we ARE as estranged from my grandmother on my dad's as we are with the rest of his family.
See, we, my sisters and I, have never really enjoyed spending time with her. She's much more on the melancholy side of things; thriving on the morbid, negative, and pessimistic parts of life. Our other grandmother was not like this, she was fun, optimistic, outgoing. Naturally as kid this the latter is going to appeal to us. And with this appeal coinciding with seeing my dad's mom very little, we've grown up to have a mindset of not really wanting to spend time with her. AND IT SUCKS!
My grandmother on my mom's side has passed. But my father's is still here, BUT SHE'S 90 YEARS OLD. She doesn't have much longer to go. I mean, the doctors say she's as healthy as someone can be for that age, which is great news, but she's also at that age where things could change in the blink of any eye, and she'll be gone. And when that day comes, what will I have to look back at? Those Christmas eve nights spending time with my dad's family hoping the next day would come already to hang with my mom's side? Or those few other sporadic times over the course of each year where we would be with her and wishing we were elsewhere? Here is a woman who has done a lot more for me than I give her credit for, and I haven't really given her the time of day, my entire life.
It breaks my heart to say this, but the day she passes I probably will not cry. How do you? How do you cry for someone you've never really had a relationship with? Here's the kicker though. As I have gotten older, I have had the opportunity to make my own conscious decision to try and build a relationship with her, and I haven't. And now that she doesn't haven't much more time, and I know it, I SEVERELY regret not trying to build a stronger relationship with her. A prime example of you don't realize the mistakes you've made until it's too late to fix them.
So here's what I'm saying to/asking of you. If you can relate to this blog, if you have someone important in your life that you just don't have the best relationship with, FIX IT! Don't wait till they're close to death and there isn't enough time on the table. Because you don't want to live the rest of your life hurting over something that you could have avoided if you had just opened up your heart a little. This may not be easy, I understand, but it will be worth it. DON'T WAIT TILL IT IS TOO LATE!
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Actions have Consequences
What's your biggest fear? It's an interesting question, but a scary one to because it gets you thinking of that which you are afraid. For me, it's my parents not being proud of me. Luckily they are proud of me or at least they give me that impression. But this really didn't become my fear until college. Specifically when they decided to pay for my college education, and I felt like more of an investment and less of their son. Everyday I wake up scared out of my mind that I'm going to fall short and that my phone is going to ring with my mom on the other line saying, "We're bringing you home." I would be devastated. I love this place too much. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but hear me out.
I come from a family of four children. Three girls and me (the baby boy, the pride and joy haha). My one sister had to pay for college with her own money, and the other two were blessed enough to get full rides, still they had to pay out pocket as well for anything college related that their scholarships didn't cover. Then it finally reached the point where college was upon me as well and like my sisters, the question of how am I going to pay for this became the main one. I figured like my oldest sister, I would use my college fund as well as bank loans and just spend my life paying them off like the majority of college kids.
One night while chilling in the basement, thinking about it, out-loud at moments, my sister came in and said that mom and dad were going to pay for me. I was skeptical and said no they weren't. She insisted, saying it's just how it works with me being the baby; something that just is. A unspoken truth. Eventually my parents did say they would be paying for me to go to college. Naturally I was relieved and appreciative. At the same time though, it sucks in it's own way.
You see, with my parents paying for my schooling, my fuck ups now become their fuck ups indirectly. And that puts a lot of pressure on me, knowing that it's more than just my life riding on this potential degree. If things go wrong because of me, that's a quarter of a million dollars of my parents money WASTED! This isn't me saying I'm a bad student or that I wish they weren't paying so I could be a bad student, it's just me saying I have a lot more than myself to think about when I make the decisions I do everyday. Also, I feel as though I've had a bit of my independence stripped from. I can still remember when my sisters and parents kept hinting to me that they were going to pay for school, me saying I didn't want this and would rather struggle through with bank loans I would have to pay off.
I wanted it that way, because I didn't want the fact that my parents are paying for college to be held over my head by them or thrown in my face by my sisters. Now my parents really haven't made it feel this way, but there have been occasions where my sisters, specifically my oldest one, will bring it up in a "throw it in your face" kind of manner and it almost seems resentful. To which I always want to say, "I didn't ask for this. In fact I didn't want this and said I didn't want this." But I just hold my tongue. Still I have also seen first hand the impact of my performance have on my rents. I didn't do too well freshman year grade wise, more just in a couple of classes, and my dad pulled me aside while I was home on a brief break and he got choked up as he explained I had to get my act together and bring these grades up.
He didn't say why, but I knew why: My parents, because they love me unconditionally, have put themselves in a position where there is as much riding on my schooling for them as there is for me. So as said before, don't get me wrong, I'm quite grateful for what they are doing for me, and I love them for them, though I would love them regardless, all I am saying is, I think it is just as stressful knowing three peoples' futures are riding on your schooling as it is for the kid who is paying for their schooling them self and their future alone is what is riding on it.
I come from a family of four children. Three girls and me (the baby boy, the pride and joy haha). My one sister had to pay for college with her own money, and the other two were blessed enough to get full rides, still they had to pay out pocket as well for anything college related that their scholarships didn't cover. Then it finally reached the point where college was upon me as well and like my sisters, the question of how am I going to pay for this became the main one. I figured like my oldest sister, I would use my college fund as well as bank loans and just spend my life paying them off like the majority of college kids.
One night while chilling in the basement, thinking about it, out-loud at moments, my sister came in and said that mom and dad were going to pay for me. I was skeptical and said no they weren't. She insisted, saying it's just how it works with me being the baby; something that just is. A unspoken truth. Eventually my parents did say they would be paying for me to go to college. Naturally I was relieved and appreciative. At the same time though, it sucks in it's own way.
You see, with my parents paying for my schooling, my fuck ups now become their fuck ups indirectly. And that puts a lot of pressure on me, knowing that it's more than just my life riding on this potential degree. If things go wrong because of me, that's a quarter of a million dollars of my parents money WASTED! This isn't me saying I'm a bad student or that I wish they weren't paying so I could be a bad student, it's just me saying I have a lot more than myself to think about when I make the decisions I do everyday. Also, I feel as though I've had a bit of my independence stripped from. I can still remember when my sisters and parents kept hinting to me that they were going to pay for school, me saying I didn't want this and would rather struggle through with bank loans I would have to pay off.
I wanted it that way, because I didn't want the fact that my parents are paying for college to be held over my head by them or thrown in my face by my sisters. Now my parents really haven't made it feel this way, but there have been occasions where my sisters, specifically my oldest one, will bring it up in a "throw it in your face" kind of manner and it almost seems resentful. To which I always want to say, "I didn't ask for this. In fact I didn't want this and said I didn't want this." But I just hold my tongue. Still I have also seen first hand the impact of my performance have on my rents. I didn't do too well freshman year grade wise, more just in a couple of classes, and my dad pulled me aside while I was home on a brief break and he got choked up as he explained I had to get my act together and bring these grades up.
He didn't say why, but I knew why: My parents, because they love me unconditionally, have put themselves in a position where there is as much riding on my schooling for them as there is for me. So as said before, don't get me wrong, I'm quite grateful for what they are doing for me, and I love them for them, though I would love them regardless, all I am saying is, I think it is just as stressful knowing three peoples' futures are riding on your schooling as it is for the kid who is paying for their schooling them self and their future alone is what is riding on it.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Coming to Terms: Living with Ulcerative Colitis
Have you ever wanted something so badly that you'll do anything to get it, but once it's in your grasps it's taken away from you and you realize it's gone forever. It's never a good feeling. It's also something that can take a while to get over; depending on what it is, you may never get over it. For me, this thing I wanted so bad that was taken from me was the chance to serve in the United States military, specifically the United States Navy. So let me explain.
I have what psychology calls a "hero complex". I'm sure growing up the son of a cop certainly had something to do with that. Regardless, I have it, and just like any complex, it requires fulfillment. I figured I would get mine by joining the military. I can remember from about the age of ten, I knew that that was what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to help others and put their own lives before my own. But as anyone who has applied for military service knows, the U.S. military has a lot of requirements and medical qualifications to meet. While applying for the military academies my senior year of high school, along with all the other colleges I applied for, they found out I had asthma, not that I tried to hide it or anything, and so it disqualified me, but they said I could appeal the decision and prove that my asthma doesn't affect me. I planned on doing so. But along the way, I guess the stress from all the applications and college preparations, I contracted a disease known as Ulcerative Colitis.
Now for those of you who do not know what ulcerative colitis is, I tell you it is not pretty. What it is, is basically you have ulcers lining the inside wall of your colon. Along with this comes extreme pain in the abdominal region, having to go the bathroom frequently and for long periods of time, and bleeding when you go. Now these symptoms are really only present when your having a flare up, and if you keep on top your meds, you can get it into remission, and make it as if you never had it, though it never does actually go away. They don't know what causes the disease, but they believe it is stress related and family inheritance related.
After contracting the disease, I did some research and discovered that again I would be disqualified from military service. But here's where it was different this time. I was not allowed to appeal this kind of medical defect. I was disqualified for life. No ifs, ands or buts. This moment was extremely hard for me to take. With the asthma, I figured I stood a chance, now I was finding out, there was no chance, period. All I had ever wanted was to serve my country, and here I was, finding out it would remain a dream unacclompished. And on top of that there's always reminders present in the form of others getting the opportunity to serve that I had always wanted. I even had a friend, unaware of my condition, tell me I should join ROTC, that it's really good and he thought I'd be good for it. This moment was like a kick in the pants for me.
Since finding out I had UC, I've had trouble coping with multiple things. First of all, I've had trouble getting over the fact that I'll never get to serve. Like I said, with constant reminders present, it's hard not to look and remember that that was what I always wanted. But even more so, I have found it hard coping with my UC and what it's taken from me and how its affected my relationship with my family, at least from my perspective. For starters, I can never seem to go the bathroom without my family thinking something is wrong and having them question me. I always have to remind them that whether I have the disease or not, I'm still human and because so, I'm still going to have to use the bathroom. Then, they're all always badgering me on my eating habits. I can't seem to consume anything without a passive aggressive and judgmental statement. I understand their concern, I get it. Since being diagnosed and treated, I have slipped up twice with my meds and have two flare ups because so. But they don't how hard it is having to admit this when it happens. It's embarrassing and seems to only fuel their fire, which I'm trying to suppress.
Everyday is a struggle, most of the time not physical, but mental. But, I'm doing what I can to accept this is my life now and I have to find a new love to pursue. Since I still have my hero's complex, I've decided to pursue a career in law enforcement. Preferably federal, but I'll take a lower level as well. Just something where I can protect and help the lives of others. And I'm working on my understanding that my family only acts the way they do with me because they care. Even if they don't go about it the best way, I know they do what they do because they love me.
So if you can relate, don't throw in the towel. But also don't feel bad if you haven't moved on from what was taken from you. Take your time. It's okay. If you can't relate, well here is another glance into the eyes of my life and way I see it and live it. Have a good one.
I have what psychology calls a "hero complex". I'm sure growing up the son of a cop certainly had something to do with that. Regardless, I have it, and just like any complex, it requires fulfillment. I figured I would get mine by joining the military. I can remember from about the age of ten, I knew that that was what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to help others and put their own lives before my own. But as anyone who has applied for military service knows, the U.S. military has a lot of requirements and medical qualifications to meet. While applying for the military academies my senior year of high school, along with all the other colleges I applied for, they found out I had asthma, not that I tried to hide it or anything, and so it disqualified me, but they said I could appeal the decision and prove that my asthma doesn't affect me. I planned on doing so. But along the way, I guess the stress from all the applications and college preparations, I contracted a disease known as Ulcerative Colitis.
Now for those of you who do not know what ulcerative colitis is, I tell you it is not pretty. What it is, is basically you have ulcers lining the inside wall of your colon. Along with this comes extreme pain in the abdominal region, having to go the bathroom frequently and for long periods of time, and bleeding when you go. Now these symptoms are really only present when your having a flare up, and if you keep on top your meds, you can get it into remission, and make it as if you never had it, though it never does actually go away. They don't know what causes the disease, but they believe it is stress related and family inheritance related.
After contracting the disease, I did some research and discovered that again I would be disqualified from military service. But here's where it was different this time. I was not allowed to appeal this kind of medical defect. I was disqualified for life. No ifs, ands or buts. This moment was extremely hard for me to take. With the asthma, I figured I stood a chance, now I was finding out, there was no chance, period. All I had ever wanted was to serve my country, and here I was, finding out it would remain a dream unacclompished. And on top of that there's always reminders present in the form of others getting the opportunity to serve that I had always wanted. I even had a friend, unaware of my condition, tell me I should join ROTC, that it's really good and he thought I'd be good for it. This moment was like a kick in the pants for me.
Since finding out I had UC, I've had trouble coping with multiple things. First of all, I've had trouble getting over the fact that I'll never get to serve. Like I said, with constant reminders present, it's hard not to look and remember that that was what I always wanted. But even more so, I have found it hard coping with my UC and what it's taken from me and how its affected my relationship with my family, at least from my perspective. For starters, I can never seem to go the bathroom without my family thinking something is wrong and having them question me. I always have to remind them that whether I have the disease or not, I'm still human and because so, I'm still going to have to use the bathroom. Then, they're all always badgering me on my eating habits. I can't seem to consume anything without a passive aggressive and judgmental statement. I understand their concern, I get it. Since being diagnosed and treated, I have slipped up twice with my meds and have two flare ups because so. But they don't how hard it is having to admit this when it happens. It's embarrassing and seems to only fuel their fire, which I'm trying to suppress.
Everyday is a struggle, most of the time not physical, but mental. But, I'm doing what I can to accept this is my life now and I have to find a new love to pursue. Since I still have my hero's complex, I've decided to pursue a career in law enforcement. Preferably federal, but I'll take a lower level as well. Just something where I can protect and help the lives of others. And I'm working on my understanding that my family only acts the way they do with me because they care. Even if they don't go about it the best way, I know they do what they do because they love me.
So if you can relate, don't throw in the towel. But also don't feel bad if you haven't moved on from what was taken from you. Take your time. It's okay. If you can't relate, well here is another glance into the eyes of my life and way I see it and live it. Have a good one.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
PET PEEVES!
This is just a fun blog post for me to to rant about what bothers me and what my pet peeves are. So here it is:
1. When I order a hamburger and they ask me if I want cheese on that. Uhm, no. If I had wanted cheese I would have ordered a CHEESEburger. It's why we created that and gave it the name we did.
2. Double door entrances where only one of the doors opens. Then why didn't you just build a single door entrance. SO STUPID!
3. People whose natural cough sounds just like that fake cough you do to get someone's attention. Fix that, cus I'm going to be thinking you trying to get my attention every time you cough, kid.
4. How much focus we put into sports before the season begins. It's a guessing game, and most of the ESPN analysts are bad at it. So stop.
5. I don't like how political and religious Facebook has become. If I cared about your preference on either, I would be keeping in touch with you in person, not through a site on the Internet.
6. I love when people flip me off while driving. Because I know that by you taking one hand off the wheel in order to gesture at me rudely, you have raised you chances of dying in a car accident. I win. (This isn't a pet peeve, but I felt compelled to mention it.
7. When you send someone a message on Facebook, and it tells you they've seen it, but they don't respond. WTF! I know you saw my message, it told me.
8. People who blatantly break the law. Depending on the law, I'm fine you break it, but if you're being obvious about it, then I hope you get caught, and get the severest punishment you can get for your offense.
9. People who tuck in their shirt but don't wear a belt. Cut that out. Now.
10. And finally, for now, people who shove their beliefs down my throat, when I don't do the same. If you're entitled to your belief, why am I not entitled to mine. Even if it is different than yours.
These are the current things on my mind.
1. When I order a hamburger and they ask me if I want cheese on that. Uhm, no. If I had wanted cheese I would have ordered a CHEESEburger. It's why we created that and gave it the name we did.
2. Double door entrances where only one of the doors opens. Then why didn't you just build a single door entrance. SO STUPID!
3. People whose natural cough sounds just like that fake cough you do to get someone's attention. Fix that, cus I'm going to be thinking you trying to get my attention every time you cough, kid.
4. How much focus we put into sports before the season begins. It's a guessing game, and most of the ESPN analysts are bad at it. So stop.
5. I don't like how political and religious Facebook has become. If I cared about your preference on either, I would be keeping in touch with you in person, not through a site on the Internet.
6. I love when people flip me off while driving. Because I know that by you taking one hand off the wheel in order to gesture at me rudely, you have raised you chances of dying in a car accident. I win. (This isn't a pet peeve, but I felt compelled to mention it.
7. When you send someone a message on Facebook, and it tells you they've seen it, but they don't respond. WTF! I know you saw my message, it told me.
8. People who blatantly break the law. Depending on the law, I'm fine you break it, but if you're being obvious about it, then I hope you get caught, and get the severest punishment you can get for your offense.
9. People who tuck in their shirt but don't wear a belt. Cut that out. Now.
10. And finally, for now, people who shove their beliefs down my throat, when I don't do the same. If you're entitled to your belief, why am I not entitled to mine. Even if it is different than yours.
These are the current things on my mind.
Monday, January 13, 2014
I Probably Deserved That
Only hours into the new semester of school and already I have a blog worthy moment. This one is more of a life-lesson blog with a fun and embarrassing story with it. So let's just jump into it, shall we:
I had just finished getting ready for my day and upcoming classes and had time to kill, so I decided to head over to one of the school cafeterias for some breakfast. Upon leaving my dorm building I scanned the hill the building is on to make sure it was clear enough to ride my longboard, since that's my way around campus, when I saw her. This girl I like was coming down the hill. I never see her around campus it seems like, and since it's the first day of classes, I felt this could be a rare sighting that I needed to capitalize on in a subtle manner. So as I step on to the hill to ride my board, my idea of subtle capitalization was to do a trick on my longboard. I was like "It's perfect, she'll be like he's cool."
In thought, the idea was brilliant. In reality, EPIC FAIL! I hopped on my board, and I went for the trick. I ate shit. I wrecked, and slid like three maybe four feet on my side. What made matters worse, my board kept rolling down the hill. So here I was, with this girl I like watching, sliding kind of on my ass and then sprinting down the hill like a tool to get to my board that is rolling away. The goal here was to be be cool. I was everything BUT!
The life lesson I want to give here is DON'T BE A SHOWOFF! Keep it simple and stay within your limitations. The COOL thing to do, as well as smart, would have been to wait till this girl I like had caught up to me and then just walk down the hill with her while engaging in conversation. That was stupid of me to think a trick was the right route. So stop showboating, myself included. Just do you, be yourself and step up to the plate.
Remember, Lindsey Jacobellis would've won a gold medal at the Olympics, but went for a trick right before the finish line and lost. Don't be her...I was her. Now I have no figurative gold medal, and I'm not sure I'll be in my prime by the next "Olympics". But I do ask that you still laugh at this story, because it is pretty funny. I looked SO BAD! HAHAH!
I had just finished getting ready for my day and upcoming classes and had time to kill, so I decided to head over to one of the school cafeterias for some breakfast. Upon leaving my dorm building I scanned the hill the building is on to make sure it was clear enough to ride my longboard, since that's my way around campus, when I saw her. This girl I like was coming down the hill. I never see her around campus it seems like, and since it's the first day of classes, I felt this could be a rare sighting that I needed to capitalize on in a subtle manner. So as I step on to the hill to ride my board, my idea of subtle capitalization was to do a trick on my longboard. I was like "It's perfect, she'll be like he's cool."
In thought, the idea was brilliant. In reality, EPIC FAIL! I hopped on my board, and I went for the trick. I ate shit. I wrecked, and slid like three maybe four feet on my side. What made matters worse, my board kept rolling down the hill. So here I was, with this girl I like watching, sliding kind of on my ass and then sprinting down the hill like a tool to get to my board that is rolling away. The goal here was to be be cool. I was everything BUT!
The life lesson I want to give here is DON'T BE A SHOWOFF! Keep it simple and stay within your limitations. The COOL thing to do, as well as smart, would have been to wait till this girl I like had caught up to me and then just walk down the hill with her while engaging in conversation. That was stupid of me to think a trick was the right route. So stop showboating, myself included. Just do you, be yourself and step up to the plate.
Remember, Lindsey Jacobellis would've won a gold medal at the Olympics, but went for a trick right before the finish line and lost. Don't be her...I was her. Now I have no figurative gold medal, and I'm not sure I'll be in my prime by the next "Olympics". But I do ask that you still laugh at this story, because it is pretty funny. I looked SO BAD! HAHAH!
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