Let your YES MEAN YES, and your NO MEAN NO

     There's a comedian, he's one of my favorites. His name is Aziz Anzari and he is very talented at what he does. Recently, he released as a Netflix exclusive his newest special which occurred in Madison Square Garden. During this special he addressed, with a comedic spin of course, a topic we all know all too well: How to handle the situation when we like someone or vice versa. Upon beginning this topic he addresses first how others tend to embrace ourselves when feelings come into play and points out that there's three ways things can go about: (1) The person just ignores our advances and goes else where, (2) the person makes up a lie as to why they can't be with us, or (3) the person is just honest and says how they feel. After gauging the audience, he establishes that we would all prefer number three when on the receiving end of feelings. Anzari proceeded to give the same scenario, but this time with the shoe on the other foot; with ourselves as the person to make the final call or not. He presented the same 3 options of how to handle it, it was concluded that we as a society would prefer to address the person using scenario 1 or 2. He concludes the routine by posing the question: why is it when the shoe is on the other foot we like the one option, but when it's on our foot we prefer the other option.
     The answer to the question is quite simple really: FEAR! We have live in a society that has been longed dominated by the ideologies of a past that hasn't been in existence for a while. With it has come a way of doing things that you either align with or not. One of those things is feelings, specifically of the romantic type. We expect one thing when we like someone else and let them know, but do the other when the role is reversed. As I have already said, it's because of fear, specifically a type of fear known as vulnerability. WHY? Because one of the ideologies that has ruled this society since created is that vulnerability is unacceptable. It's a sign of weakness and must never be shown, but the irony of it all is that we still expect others to show it to us.
     So here we are at a crossroads as a society on how to handle how we address each other. To often I have hear both guys and gals say, "I don't know why we can't just be honest with each other on how we feel with each other!" And when I reply, "Then why don't you do something about it and step up to the plate?" They don't know how to proceed and our usually a little tongue tied which has lead me to my own question. If we all feel the same way on this issue, and we all believe we should all just say how we feel because would want and expect the same, then why don't we already. Obviously popular support is behind us. The public want each other to be honest and vulnerable, so why not as individuals do so: BE HONEST AND VULNERABLE!
     So here is my challenge to you if you have read this: If you like someone tell them, because you'd want the same. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY AND THE BIGGER MESSAGE: If someone tells you they like you, be honest with them about how you feel, because again you would want the same; you'd be up all night racking your head about if they weren't. You know you would, and I bet you, you have. I know have. So if we all ultimately want the same in social decorum specifically in this facet, it's time for all of us to step up to the plate as individuals, so that eventually we will create a movement as a COHESIVE UNIT. Think about it. That's all.

everyONE Happens for a Reason

     These last two weeks or so have been really interesting for me.  I wish to tell of them and the impact they have had in order to find out if someone can relate to me, and or inspire people to maybe see from a perspective they haven't thought of before.

      I was talking to a good friend of mine who always seems to be talking to a new girl everyday, in a completely platonic way I will note.  

     So I said to him, "Since you're just swimming in a surplus of women, how about you send one my way?!"

     He immediately responded, "You're right! What kind of woman are you into?"

     So I gave him some personality traits and he went to work.  A few days later, we crossed paths, and my friend told me to give him my phone; he had a girl’s number he wished to give me.  He proceeded to explain that she expected a call from me that day or the next because we were going out that Saturday, which coincidentally was Valentine’s Day.

     I was taken aback at first and wasn't quite sure how to approach this, but I said, sure why not.  I called her and we arranged plans for the evening out.  Finally, the day was upon us.  I put on a combination of casual dress clothes, and then added my nice suit jacket for an element of sophistication.  I don't have a car out here at school since I'm far from home, so she drove.  Straight out the gate, I could tell there was something infectious about this young woman. She was more than just looks.  I mean certainly she was physically attractive, but there was a personality to her that I had yet to experience on any other romantic outing.  She was someone who could keep up with my extroverted self, and that was nice.  I usually felt like I was out with a brick wall on past dates.

     We had arrived at the Italian restaurant that she wanted to go to, and unfortunately, given that it was Valentine’s Day, there was quite the wait, and we had no reservation.  So we got back into the car and went to this hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant.  The atmosphere was surprisingly perfect, not overwhelming or stifling.  The conversation was natural, fluid, and continuous throughout our time together.  Eventually, we finished our meals, and since we both still had some time to kill before our other plans, we went back to my place to sip some Ale 8 and talk.

     It was lovely.  She sat on one couch, I sat on the other to face her, and we ended up talking for two more hours.  I had never had such a great Valentine’s Day or night one-on-one with a woman.  Finally, the night ended and we went our separate ways.  The next day, I called her to ask her out again, and figured I could take her to the Italian restaurant where she had originally wanted to eat.  I called her and got her voicemail and left a message.  This is when we start to get into the core point of this blog post.

     During and following the night out I couldn't help but think, "This woman is amazing! And she DESERVES an amazing man!" So following that evening, I decided to start praying again; I've prayed at least one rosary every day since that night, and I'm doing better at attending mass regularly.  Also, this woman pulled my emotional strings to the point that one night while in the middle of my rosary, I broke down and cried for half an hour, and I AM NOT A CRYER (but I don't think there is anything wrong with that if you are…) I've examined my moral compass and have sought to improve its imperfections.  I've cleaned my apartment and have kept it consistently clean.  Also, I have started to keep in much better touch with my sisters.  All of the things she has inspired me to do… Because it’s not just, "Is this person the one I'm looking for?" It’s also, "Am I the person, the person I'm looking for is looking for?" I know that sounds confusing and is a bit of a mouthful, but think about it. 

     That's why I made these changes.  They weren't changes for the sake of pretending to be something I’m not for somebody else; they were changes that any person I could potentially be with would be happy to see me make.

     So as these two weeks have gone by, I have stopped feeling scared or anxious about how things will play out, and have just remained positive, and it's been great.  In fact today, that young woman and I talked, and we established that we are at different points in our lives and are looking for different things right now.  I felt great afterwards because I was no longer wondering where we were aligned, and now I had a definite answer.

     Did I get the desired result?  Yes and no.  See, I've come to learn that we have this idea that we achieve our happiness through others, and when they fall short of our expectations, that’s what leads to us feeling dissatisfied.  Yet, that’s because NO ONE can dictate our happiness except for OURSELVES, and that's what I was doing wrong!  I was operating under this belief that if I ended up with her, I'd become happy.  In reality, it's only once we are happy with ourselves, that we will then attract the positive outcome of being with someone who we can GIVE our happiness too, NOT GET it from.  Would I have liked it to be her so she could have been the one to get to experience the changes she inspired in me?  Sure.  But like I said, these are positive changes for me to share with whomever I end up, they aren't just limited to one person.

     The ultimate point I'm trying to make is everyone comes into our life for a reason.  No matter how brief their presence is they serve a purpose.  I can now clearly see what hers was.  It was to get me back on the straight and narrow, and to walk it with the most positive of attitudes.  And now when I think of her, even if just for a moment, I will still always have a great memory of that night we shared, and how kind it was of her to share it with me, as well as all of the positive changes she has inspired to make.  So, in conclusion, think of the people in your own lives, the ones still there, the ones who have come and gone, and those still to come; those with both positive and negative impacts.  Think about how they served some purpose in your life to get you to where you are now.

I DON'T LIKE TO THRIFT!

     So just moments ago, my buddy sent me a FB message with a link in it. The link was to an article about how this person bought a jacket at a thrift store for 58 cents and it turned out to be Vince Lombardi's. Naturally, given the way we put too much monetary emphasis on things belonging to people of "fame", the jacket's estimated "worth" turned out to be $20,000. After seeing this, it reminded me how I saw an article of a similar nature just last week. And then it got me thinking about something I have thought often, especially when talking to some of my closest friends, who like to thrift. The thought: I DON'T LIKE TO THRIFT!
     No, this isn't anything do with some level of pretentiousness or self-righteousness that sees it as undignified. And no, it's not because I can't handle having something that isn't brand new. Having a lot of guy cousins, I still wore plenty of hand me downs in a house of all sisters. The reason is why they exist. Think about it. The intention behind thrift stores was for those who were impoverished to have a chance to be able to buy various needs at a cheaper price due to there being used. WHICH IS GREAT!
     But then it got me thinking? Should I, an upper middle class white kid, really be thrifting? (Again, not saying because I think I'm above it) Certainly, I'm a broke college student who isn't receiving money from mommy and daddy to buy whatever goodies I want, but I know if I was in a bind and needed some essentials similar to that of what you find at a thrift store, my parents would provide. Unfortunately, there someone out there who is legitimately broke. And even worse, they may also be the provider of others. My shopping there for my own cheap thrills just seems wrong. I can't help but think everything I buy, though I may use, is something that someone else needs more and can't get it anywhere else due to cost.
     Now, this is not to say I look down on anyone financially stable that thrifts. You have all the right in the world to do so. I'll be honest, I myself have done it from time to time. It is just I think that as we as a society start to challenge more and more of the various constructs of this nation, we need to keep in mind some of the things that been put in place to help alleviate the problem and ways we might be unintentionally and unconsciously undermining. So if you are a financially stable thrifter, here are some thoughts to keep in mind next time you go:

1. Do I really NEED this, or do I just want it because it's cheap?
     Remember, for somebody it might be a NEED and still not be cheap.
2. Maybe instead of buy a lot of items because of the low cost and just buy few items.
     Don't be a item hog!
3. Remember that you are more fortunate than others, you should give more to thrift stores than you take from them.
     It's okay to get stuff from there, but maybe for every item you get, donate two items you know you'll never use again.

     I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post. I'm not trying to be judgmental or stop you from doing what you have all the right to do. I'm just trying keep everyone conscious of the other angles to something you might have missed. And hey, as I give this message, for all I know there's an angle to this that I have missed. Thanks. And it's good to be back BehindTheBowTie!