A One Way Goodbye

     I'm not writing this post for attention and/or likes in the form of sympathy. I'm writing this blog because I have to get this off my chest and release the pressure build up that's inside of me.

     I am currently at home packing to return to school from easter break for my last two weeks of sophomore year. Being home is always a great thing for me to experience in my opinion. I love my family to death. Unfortunately I this break took a sour turn 3 days in. Sometime between the 11 pm hour of this past Friday (4/18/14) and the 7 am hour of this past Saturday (4/19/14), my grandmother suffered a massive stroke. Unfortunately, we didn't get the results of how bad the stroke actually was until this morning, Easter Sunday (4/20/14), when the test results came back and my parents had a chance to speak with the doctor.
     Since finding her post-stroke, she has been stable, but unresponsive. She is unfortunately from here on out brain dead and now we must wait until her relatively healthy body, for someone her age, depreciates to where her mind now is. The doctors said that all we can do now is just make her as comfortable as possible as we wait for her to move on.
     Here's where my blog title gains more relevance though. It was our year in the family to hold Easter at our house for all of the relatives. We didn't want to not still do that, especially given the short notice, so my sisters and I did our best to play host today while my parents were at the hospital. Fortunately, they were able to leave for a while and spend sometime with us, and the rest of the family, celebrating easter. Given it was a celebration, everyone was drinking, my parents included. So my dad asked if I would be his and my mother's D.D. back to the hospital. Of course I said yes and did so. When my mother became aware that I was taking them back, she said "Oh good, it'll give you a chance to say goodbye before you go back to school".
     And that's when it hit me. This was GOODBYE FOREVER. It hadn't really sunk in until she said anything and then it really sunk in once we got the hospital, and realized that once I said goodbye, there would be no reply. The hardest goodbye is a one way one. Now here I am packing my stuff for school and dabbling in the blog post and can't get it out of my mind: sometime in the next week or so while at school, my phone is going to ring, and it's going to be a family member on the other line, probably my father, and they're going to say, "You're grandmother is gone." How does one clear their head from such an inevitable thing. I know it's going to happen, but I can prepare for it, and yeah I said goodbye, but it lacked such closure and felt so forced. You can never prepare this part of life, even when you know any day could be your last or the last for someone else you love.
     DON'T EVER TAKE GOODBYE FOR GRANTED!

I Feel for Judas

     With less then a week until Easter, as a Catholic, we refer to this week as Holy Week. To kick the week off with Palm Sunday. Every year during Palm Sunday Mass, like clockwork, the gospel is the story of Christ's Passion. Within this gospel every year, Judas, the man and Apostle who betrayed Jesus, really gets crapped on in the writings. And every year, I think to myself, "Am I the only one who thinks Judas got screwed?" But upon thinking about this, it raises a bigger question, at least for Christians, specifically Catholics, and that is: Does free will actually exist.
     You see as Catholics, we believe God is all knowing, which includes knowing everything you will do before you do. This was no different then Judas. Think about it though, this means God knew Judas was going to do what he did before he was even born. And if Judas didn't do what he did, then Jesus would have never died for our sins and open the gates of heaven to us. But Judas couldn't change what God already knew. He was destined to do what hid whether he wanted to or not.
     Don't get me wrong. This is a very a hard topic to tackle, and I am hardly the one to tackle. This post is more just me wrestling with the idea in my own mind, but allowing others to see it, so they can help understand. Because I'd really like to believe in free will, and that even though God knows what I'm going to do before I do it, that it was still my decision. It's just, the way they word the gospels, it's really hard not to feel for Judas, and think, "This poor guy never stood a chance."
     If you read this post, feel free to comment about what's your take on free will and/or if you think Judas stood a chance. Just remember, I'm not writing this blog to fight, challenge or offend anyone, so if you do respond, do not get defensive and abrasive with me. Thanks.

Christian Title: The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways / Spiritual/Atheist Title: Funny How Life Works

     Something that has been on my mind many times before upon learning, has popped into my head again, and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the thought, and feel compelled to blog about it to clear my head. I hope I do the topic justice without over stepping any lines.
     I grew up in a family with three older sisters and no brothers. (The baby boy, the pride and joy) I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but just to be safe I'll say it now to set-up my post for today. Because of the family dynamic, I will always be out numbered, and I will never be in a position of authority within the family. Growing up like this, I always wanted brothers to even things out. So, I would ask my mom, "Please have one more baby! Twin boys!" As you can see from the statement, I had no concept of pregnancy since I thought a singular baby could be more than one actually, but hey, I was young cut me some slack. But hears where the story gets interesting.
     It was last year, in the earlier half of Christmas break. All six of us, my parents, sisters, and I, were in the living room enjoying each others company since we were all under the same roof again for break. Minus my mom, we're all night owls in my family, so it was late, but she powered through and stayed up and we all just talked and I just kind of sat back and enjoyed seeing the conversation topic bounce around the way it always does with us, until during one topic, some startling information was revealed to me through just regular conversation. The topic was pregnancy and miscarriages. I found out that before my mom had my third sister and I, she was pregnant with twins, but unfortunately/sadly had suffered a miscarriage. SO MANY THOUGHTS WERE GOING THROUGH MY HEAD.
     First, all the times I had asked my mom for twins, and she actually almost did. But it would have been before me, and most likely that would have meant NO ME. That's when the second thought hit me. Had she had these twins my sister and I would most likely would not have happened. And then finally, again, all the times I had asked for twins. She would just laugh at my misconception about pregnancy, and I can't help but think now how it must have reminded her of this unfortunate moment. And I now kind of feel bad. I mean yeah, I had no way of knowing, and I was doing it with malice, but still. Yet there is a silver lining.
     My sister and I, though two years apart, were born a day after each other. She was born the second of our birth month and I was born the third. And on top of that, growing up we looked exactly alike. People always thought we were twins. It even turns out that those who knew about what happened to my mom would tell her that my sister and I was God's way of giving her the twins she never had but was supposed to. And in a way, I agree.
     As I have thought on this new found news, I have two hopes and one thought on my mind. The first hope is that my sisters and I all make it to heaven to see these twins that unfortunately didn't make it. And to build on it, I hope these twins are boys. It seems only fair, right?! BUT, my one thought is that these twins are going to turn out to be two more lovely sisters to add to my other 3, and if that's the case, that'll be more than alright with me, I know. I mean, hey, it'll be in heaven, by then, being the only boy won't even mean anything to me anymore.