Sometimes the Best thing You can do...

          I find myself in another predicament when it comes to affairs of the heart. I have fallen hard for a woman who I was and still am under the impression has feelings for me as well. However there are extraneous circumstances for both of us that have us walking on egg shells about everything. And along with that, we both have expressed to each other in the past that we both have a fear of commitment.
          See, I met this young woman last semester and after exchanging phone numbers, we started to talk and get to know each other. We talked very consistently and it lead to forming a good friendship. Then one night we were hanging out and we kissed. BUT THAT WAS IT! Neither of us wanted to do anything or go to far and do something that would damage progressing towards something more in terms of our relationship. We were as they say, "taking things slow". Eventually the semester ended but we kept in touch. Over the holiday break, I let my feelings be known. She expressed similar feelings but also hesitancy due to history I had with some other mutual friends of ours. She did say that if that history wasn't there things would be much different. It was clear she liked me back.
          We didn't want this to damage the friendship we had though, so we still kept hanging out upon our return from break. But I think we could see our feelings for each other were persisting and we continued to subtly flirt with one another. Finally she joked about me getting her candy and flowers for Valentine's day. I laughed it off in order to lead her to believe I would not be doing this because I wanted it to be a surprise for her when I actually did. See, I figured that time was running out to change her mind on things and I saw this kind gesture as my Hail Mary pass to win or lose the game. So I went bought her roses and one of those giant Hershey bars. I put on my best suit and went to her door.
          I asked her to come outside via text and phone call. Given the day, I think she could tell I was up to something. She finally texted me back that she would not come outside and that she couldn't do this. My guess is she was looking through the peep hole and saw everything and that's how she was able to make the decision to stay inside. I told her that the flowers and Hershey bar were for her and I left them at her door for her to grab after I had gone, that way she could avoid having to interact with me which I could see she didn't want to do. Since then though, I've been so lost. Like I had grown to really care about this person. And since That day, I've just been like going through the motions and faking it till I make it. It doesn't help that I see her around in social settings and I see her talking to other guys, in fact it hurts a lot. It's just I would hang with her, and we'd look each other in the eyes and I'd think to myself, "God,  if this was the last thing I saw I would die a happy man, because this right here, her, it's all that's right in this world where so much is wrong." She brought so much happiness out of me.
          Here is where my predicament truly lies. Since the Valentines day incident I have reached out a couple times to meet up and just clear the air and have gotten nowhere. I have also heard murmurs that I wasn't given the full truth about things involving her life either. And I'm so lost, I don't know what make of it all. HOWEVER, I found out from a close mutual friend of ours that very recently a quite negative moment has entered and impacted her life. Upon hearing this, I personally hurt so much for her. I still care about her, and when I care for someone, I just want to do everything in my power to take their pain away, in her case regardless of if she no longer feels the same for me. And that's where I don't know what to do. How do I reach out to her and say that I know what's going on, that I know she's going through tough times about a very specific thing and that I'm here for her; that regardless of what of us we need to figure out, first and foremost this new development takes precedent and I will be here for you the whole step of the way in any capacity that you need me to be. How do I do this without her seeing I contacted her again and thinking god this kid won't give up. I just want her to know I'm here and will always be here even if it can only be as friend, especially as she goes through this newly trying time.
          I don't know anymore. What I do know is I only wish her the best.

Who's to say?

          From the age that I was able to understand the concept of a career as well as what types of career options were out there, I always knew what I wanted to do. I want to join the United States Navy. The dream was to work hard, make it to the academy, eventually the SEALs, and finally a longstanding career ending with me retiring as a 5 star admiral. Pretty ambitious, I know, but wanted nothing else in the world, and so I was gonna stop at nothing to get there. Unfortunately God, or whoever/whatever controls us and our world, had different plans. My senior year of high school I contracted Ulcerative Colitis, making me medically unfit for the military with no shot to appeal. I'm not going to get to involved in this incident because I have already devoted a blog post to it, which you can go back and read if you'd like.
          However, in regards to that post, I was a sophomore in college when I wrote. I was still young enough that I had time to have things figured out. There was hope. Now, I'm a second semester senior with graduation looming and I have figured anything out. Sure, I have a clear cut answer for whenever someone asks me, "What are your plans for after graduation," but I'm just faking it, really hard. You see, I have what psychology calls a "Hero's Complex" and just because my chance to fulfill in the military was unfortunately derailed, it didn't mean the complex went away. So I figured I would pursue a career in law enforcement. Preferably at the federal level, but most likely starting at a lower level to begin. And that's what I've been pushing for. The truth is though, I don't spend a day not questioning if it is the right path. That was something that never happened when the military life still seemed attainable. I would go to bed and wake up the next day feeling as confident about the decision as I did the day before.
          Here's the dilemma though, I don't know if I'm questioning things because I truly am unsure or if I'm questioning things because those who I thought would support me have questioned this and me since making the decision. See, my family is very supportive of the decision to pursue law enforcement. Some members are more vocal then others, but I know deep down that none are on board. But what makes it worse is the ones who have been more vocal, like I said a few sentences ago, have been questioning it and me so much, I just feel like I've entered that predicament of when you're in a certain environment for so long you start to be like that environment whether you want to or not. As the first sentence of this paragraph began, I don't know if I'm questioning things because I'm genuinely not sure if policing is for me, or if because I have people saying it is not for me.
          All I know is this, I'm running out of time and I just feel like I'm not going to amount to what everyone wants me to be. And I know you're probably reading this and thinking right now, "Then  just amount to what you want to be." But I just don't think it's that simple. I come from an extremely close and family oriented family. So it's not so easy to just disregard what they want and vision for you just because you're not sure if that's where you stand as well. I love them all too much for that. I can't do the whole, "I'm gonna do me, and I'll see you all later," kind of thing. But I also worry the pressures of them are becoming to much. I think one of things that has lead me to such apprehensions is the success of all of my older siblings. I'm the youngest, and I look at them, and I think, "WOW! They've made it. They still might be on the climb, but they got the momentum going and they're succeeding!" And as I say this I'm scared of becoming the family mess up. That one kid who didn't turn out as "good" as the others. And I know, again you're probably thinking, "But Chris, what is good? It's different for everyone." But there's are part of me inside that I can't put into words but it makes me want to achieve my family's vision of what's "good" for me as much as I want to achieve my vision of what's "good".
          The future is certainly out of our control. But much of it can be made at least tentatively definitive with our actions in the present. I just worry that my actions of the present have put me to far on one path that to consider or ponder another is just too late. I'm about to be given a piece a paper saying I studied a specific thing. How am I supposed to approach a job focused on something that isn't on the list of things I "specialized on in college" and convince that that's okay, you can still hire me. It's all good. I just don't know. And what makes it worse is in a way, I and everyone else never will know. Each day offers something new you can't predict. You just have to do what you can to make sure you have the tools, literally and figuratively, to tackle whatever offering that glorious new day decides to bear.

          Like all my blogs in the past I more write this just to see if anyone can relate, as well as those who can don't feel like alone in the issue either.