Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one that was "safe"

     So I was having a late night heart-to-heart with a friend of mine recently, and we got on the topic of relationships, or in my case a lack there of, a popular topic of anybody's heart-to-hearts. And as we were discussing my scenario, she said to me, "It sucks bro, because you can't control how you feel." And she's right, you can't, but you can control how you act on these feelings, and that's usually where I can't seem to get shit right. Here's my dilemma.
     I have this friend, who I do find attractive, but not until after I got know them did they seem attractive to me. One those examples of how personality can really add to a persons "stock". And so upon pursuing friendship with this person, I had no intention in pursuing this friendship with any ulterior motives, in this case, a relationship. But as time has come about, I realize that I do want one.
     Originally, and recently, a friend asked me if I like her, and this as how I explained it to her: "Do I like her? Yes. Would I be interested in a relationship with her, yes. BUT, because I entered this friendship with just the intent to form a friendship, I have this mindset that if something was to become of us, sweet, if not, sweet. Either way I'll be contempt."
     This is what I told her, and it was true, or so I thought. But then it happened. I was at a party, where I ended up running into her. While we were both there, I saw her grinding/making out with this guy, and I became so many emotions at once, I didn't know what to think. I was angry, upset, unsurprised, disappointed, refusing, and overwhelmed. I left the party and returned to my dorm where I spent the rest of the evening, first having the heart-to-heart with my friend and then alone with my thoughts. This nigh of discernment led me this: I like this young woman more than I thought, whether I planned on it happening or not (which I did not) and now I have a choice to make, either pursue this newly apparent feelings or repress them and enjoy the friendship I was originally claimed to be content with.
     So here's how this is going go: I'm most likely going to remain liking this young woman for a while, and along the way, I'm not going to do anything or say anything about it with her. Why? Because I suffer from a fear of rejection, which has lead me to be anxious whenever like a young woman, now. So I will suppress these feelings until I hopefully sincerely don't have them for her anymore. How long that will take, I do not know. But that's how it is. Just the way I handle these things. It just sucks more than usual this time because I didn't plan on falling for this young woman, and I have.
     I can't control how I feel, in this case having these romantic feelings, but I can control how I act on them. And this is the route I'm taking. Is it a route that leaves me less likely to finding someone, since it's the route I go with with most young woman I like, yes. But it's the only way I know how to not get as hurt as I would if I was rejected. I guess to me, it's just the lesser of two evils.

Questions with no Answers

     It's 4 a.m. in the morning. I should be asleep. I have class tomorrow. Sure it isn't until noon, and yeah, I'm quite the night owl, but I was actually planning on getting to bed at a better hour for once. But upon attempting this, and it becoming 4 in the morning, I have finally stopped denying that there appears to be something more that is keeping up late every night besides just me being a night owl with a class schedule the conveniently accommodates. It's hard to explain, but here I go.

     We all know that perfection is unattainable. But it is in our strive for it, that we better ourselves. That being said, if ever there was a semester in school, at any grade level, where I've come like close to grazing perfection, it's been this semester. Where do I begin?

     School: I'm kicking ass in all my classes. I have three A's and two B+'s. All my assignments have been coming back with positive feedback, even the ones I would freak out about until they were due. The semester is almost done, time flies, and to add on to that, it's almost done, with me surely a lock for breaking the 3.0 mark in my GPA. School is good.

     Family: My family is stellar. My parents and I seem to be in great standing, not that we've ever had a bad relationship, I just mean this between us just feel better than ever. My one sister just moved out and one step closer to full independence is doing really well for herself, couldn't be happier for her. My other sister just got a job with Vineyard Vines as the head of their visual department for one of their store locations, she appears to be on the up and up too. My third sister is about to graduate college and appears to be going to Notre Dame for graduate school, granted I HATE ND, that's still FRICKIN' AWESOME. My cousin and his girlfriend just had a beautiful and healthy baby girl a few months back. And another cousin of mine just took a great step in the career world as he got a new job that was better than his previous one in order to better provide for his own daughter now and in the future. Family is good.

     Social life: I have great friends. Everyday I share moments with them that I wouldn't trade for all the riches in the world. I mean just the other day a bunch of my friends and I went to the thrift store, and we just had a grand ole time. And a few weeks back, I went on an amazing retreat that was put on by my school's campus ministry. Social life is good.

     Things appear to be good on all fronts, School, Family, and Friends. So I'm sure those you who are reading this are saying to yourselves, "Wait, Chris, I don't seem to see the/an issue here."

     And your right. There doesn't to appear to be one, but for some reason there is one, I just don't know what, which only seems to make it worse. All I know is, for much of this past gilded semester, I lie awake in my bed at all hours of the night, not because I'm a night owl, but because I feel alone and empty and sad about everything. BUT WHY?! There is no reason I should be feeling this way. My life is GREAT! And I've been blessed that it has been for basically it's entirety. So why can't I seem to be really happy. Why do I spend everyday waiting for something bad to happen or something to go wrong. Instead of basking in all the good I have in my life currently, something is eating at my core, at my soul, hindering me from being able to appreciate, and I can't seem to stop it.

     I think what worries me most about this situation I am in is the terrible fact that though something feels wrong to me, I can't my finger on what that something is. Which scares me; typical human condition, we fear the unknown, myself included. And in the end, I'm left on this side of the keyboard with all these questions brought on by this fear of the unknown, but no answers...

ADVICE FOR ANY DAY OF THE WEEK

SMILE! IT'S WORTH IT! :)