Throughout life we all have regrets, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Hopefully not too big of a regret, but maybe so. To go with that, I think it's safe to say, that one of main reasons we have regrets, is because we let our fear get in the way of something.
Now as I have stated in a past blog, I am a relationship kind of guy, who just can't seem to get one. But I don't have all the right in the world to complain. What if I told you I have a regret that haunts me everyday when I wake up and start my day. This regret is the day I threw away the one thing I've always wanted, a relationship, with one of the girls I've wanted it with the most. Let me explain:
It started around November of my senior year of high school. I was talking with a childhood friend of mine who attended an all girl high school that I had always wanted to attend the dances of. So I was telling her about how I wanted to go to her school's homecoming. She told me to tell a girl to take me, but as I explained to her, it's the girl's dance, I can't TELL her to take ME. Which after a moment she could see where I was coming from and agreed, so she told me she'd ask around for me. A few days later she informs me, one of her friends said she would take me. Naturally I was like "SWEET!"
Upon receiving the news, I was given her name and number. I did your usual Facebook stalking. Tried to to get a feel for who this girl was that I would be going with. She looked good and seemed pretty cool. And we did some talking just to get familiar. Well finally the night came, and I don't know why, but the moment I walked in the door and saw her in person, the rest of the world disappeared for a moment, and I was standing there dumbfounded unaware of anything but her. She was gorgeous! Luckily I kept my cool, and avoided coming on too strong, partially because this was our first meeting.
So, we went to the dance and had a good time. We kept it PG and just seemed like two friends having fun. Afterwards we went to a local diner with some of her friends and their dates and enjoyed some food and conversation. I let her order first, so I could know what I could get and still be able to pay for her. (Be a gentleman, always pay for the lady) Then we went our separate ways.
Now when I was Facebook stalking her and texting her before we met, I thought she was an attractive girl, but one I was not attracted TO. After that night, I was hooked! We started texting that night, when we both got home. The conversations flowed and weren't like speaking to brick walls.
I'll be honest, I wasn't subtle in how I felt, and it fact, I'm pretty sure I vocalized it to her that same night of the dance, when we started texting. So she knew I liked her, but said it wasn't mutual, but yet we still constantly texted and talked. We even skyped A LOT, like all the time! We hung out with friends a fair amount over that year. Like my like for her grew every single day, because we were always in contact. She even was my New Year's kiss. It was a little awkward and forced (by her actually, I wasn't expecting or planning on it) but yet, I liked it. She did it, because I invited her to this New Year's Eve party as my "date", and she ended up bailing like 30 mins in, so i think it was out of like pity. Up to this point I had remained flirty with her, and she just had fun brushing it off. Around that time though, I decided to stop trying to flirt with her, since she didn't feel the same. But I still really liked her and wanted to be with only her.
Anyway, the talking continued and was good. We talked a lot per usual. Then January 27, 2012 rolled around. And the talking took a turn. Not a good one or bad one, just a neutral turn...at first. I was down in my basement watching Batman Begins on AMC with story-notes, texting her as usual, and there was something she wanted to know and I was refusing to tell her. So she posed playing that Question Game so I would tell her. You know, that flirty one all us teenagers play which starts out "genuine" and turns dirty by like question 20. So I said why not, and humored her and we played. She got the answer to the question she was looking for, but we kept playing. And like I said, the game turned flirty and dirty, but we kept playing. And for a little bit after that day, we could continue playing, and if weren't playing we were talking in a flirty manner, just like when playing the game. Like I was shocked, here she was FLIRTING WITH ME, not just me flirting with her.
So for next like month we were flirting with each other all the time when we talked, but I assumed it was just out teenage hormonal fun and nothing more. Until this day in very early march, I receive a text from her in the middle of our conversation that read, "So what's the deal, are we gonna make this official or what?"
There it was, the moment I had wanted since the night in November, a chance to be her guy, and her my girl. And right there it happened, I became a scared little boy; a sad sack of shit. I thought in my mind here is this perfect girl, and I could never bear to look at myself in the mirror if I hurt her. And that was my fear, I was scared to hurt her, not physically, but just in that way you see people get hurt in relationships. So I let my fear drive me, and I said to her, "Nah." STUPIDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!
We decided to take a FWB route for a while, but nothing ever happened and as time went on, are talking became flirtation-less and she ended up in a relationship until college, and then we both went separate ways, only to occasionally talk. Which we did, and once in college far apart, I would sometimes hit on her in our conversations. It was just out of pure fun.
But then on October 10th, 2012 she said something to me that cut me deeper than anyone has. After I made the comment that it was fun to hit on her, she said to me, "I don't even think you want me, you just enjoy hitting on me!" And that really struck a nerve with me. So after a few moments of wrestling with these words, I replied back "You said, 'u probably don't even want me'. And it actually struck a nerve with me. Not fully sure why, but it did. Because, Imma be honest with you: One of the biggest regrets of my life was the day I said no to u. There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think of it even for just a second and wish i could go back change it. Cus with you, it's never been just about a quick score for me, i wanted all aspects of you, and I got scared and said no. I was an idiot and regret it. and there. so don't you think i don't even actually want you!"
We continued to talk for a moment, where she explained she had moved on and me saying now that I had said all this, I could to now. But that's turned out to be false. I CAN'T MOVE ON! I threw away the best thing I almost had. All because I got scared to be the man I wanted to be to the woman I to be it for. I wake up with a dark hole in me that floods every part of me with a regret that isn't just easily brushed aside under the rug. And with it, comes a pain that doesn't show physically, but hurts you every step of the day. And all that is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, not even my greatest enemy, because it sucks, and makes getting up everyday nearly impossible for me. And no we can't read the future, so there's no way of knowing if her and I would still be together now, had I said yes then, BUT I can't help but thinking we would. Ultimately right now, I'm inclined to believe the only way I will truly be able to move on is when I am finally with someone who shows me there's someone out there besides her.
So I say to you, don't let your fear get in the way of something you love. Because you'll only be left with regret. And that's something I'd rather be left without of. Being scared sucks, but it's quite the adrenaline rush embracing what scares you. So get out there and step up to the plate. Don't let your fear drive you. Drive your fear.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
There Goes my Hero, He's Ordinary
Two years ago, around the early winter time of my senior year, my grandmother on my father's side started decline in her health. She looked like she was going to make it past Christmas of that year. But to all our surprise, and we're happy for it, she improved. But to an extent; she clawed her way out of the dark hole she was in, in terms of her health and has now been slowly declining over the past few years from the level she had clawed her way to. But hey, it's better than nothing. She recently has had poor circulation in her legs, specifically her right one (I could be wrong on which leg though, so don't quote me on that, I can't remember since this has been occurring while I'm away at school), and has under gone multiple surgeries to restore the circulation. In fact, she under went the surgery again last week...twice. Both times the doctors were unable to restore the circulation. So yesterday, my grandmother had her leg amputated. It's unfortunate, but it was the best option; Option Two was to just let the leg die and keep her hopped up on pain meds for the rest of her life which would leave her in a mental state where she really wouldn't be our [my sisters and I] grandmother mentally anymore. So as I just stated we elected to go with option one.
There's a reason though that my grandmother was able to crawl out of that physical dark hole and keep living. That reason is my Father. He is one two children my grandmother had. Both boys; he is the baby. He is also has Power of Attorney now that she is declining in her mental health. Unfortunately, my uncle, his brother, isn't much a help in all the intricacies that have come with keeping her stable physically and mentally. Being alone in making the decisions and actually having to physically follow through on them has really worn on my father and you can see it. But he perseveres and manages to do what's best for her everyday.
My father is my hero and ultimately always has been growing up, but it wasn't until I became older and could appreciate real world situations that I started to learn life lessons from my father that I know will make me a better man. The reason I speak about my grandmother and my father's efforts to keep her healthy is two-fold. First of all just the fact that he is taking care of her is a valuable and respectable lesson in itself. The second reason is because there was a sub-scenario involving him and his mother's health that I was indirectly a part of, where I learned one of the most valuable lessons from my father. Let delve a little deeper into that.
My father is a Lieutenant of the Washington D.C. Metropolitan Police Officer. He is thought of pretty highly among his peers and ranking officers. He also has been a part of some big name things with other federal law enforcement agencies as a liaison for the department. He's earned everything he has received including some of the perks to being well liked and good at what you do. This included an appointment to the FBI Academy for a 10 week program they offer to police officers domestically and internationally. This is a very prestigious offer very few get. My father was given it around the start of my senior year. Naturally we were all excited. We knew things were going to change a bit while he was gone for the 10 weeks, but him and the rest of the family was STOKED!
Everybody started preparing. We were changing our schedules to get use to what it would be like while he would be gone, he was buying the necessities to stay there for 10 weeks, and we were doing our best to get use helping our mom with a lot more fill the void of his absence. Unfortunately just around the time he was ready to go and wheels were to be set in motion, my grandmother started going down hill. We were figuring out how we would take care of her while he was away and all that jazz, when finally my dad came home one night. It was a Friday, around 6:45 PM, he was supposed to leave that weekend. I was downstairs waiting for the hockey game to start, and he came down and sat with me. We exchanged small talk and finally I asked him when he was leaving that weekend for Quantico (FBI Headquarters and Training Facility).
He looked at me and said he wasn't going. He explained that he had respectfully turned down the offer earlier that day at work explaining then and now to me that he just couldn't leave with my grandmother in the state she was in. I was the first person of the family he had told I respected him for it, but felt kind of bad because I knew he wanted this and how big would have been. But I shrugged it off and went back to watching TV with him in silence. Then shit got real.
My father broke the silence with a sigh and looked at me. I looked back at him. He starts saying to me he feels like Kevin Costner's character in Field of Dreams, where Costner is offered the chance to follow his dead father into the abyss within his cornfield knowing whatever decision he made he couldn't go back and the chance wouldn't come again; just like that he felt with this way with this opportunity, he knew whatever decision he made would be final and the chance wouldn't come again. He was telling me all of this with tears starting to form in his eyes and I could hear is voice starting to choke up. I notice was feeling tears about the form but I used all the strength I had to be strong for him because I knew that's what he needed.
Seeing my father almost breakdown as he explained how hard of a decision it was to give up something that would never come around again to take care of his mother and knowing I was the first person he was telling this to truly showed me how much this meant to him. But he doesn't understand how much that moment meant to me. It was right there Andrew White taught me one the most valuable lessons ever.
Opportunities are going to come your way that are once in a lifetime and your not going to be able to take them; not because of a schedule conflict or because you just don't care, but because something just as irreplaceable but more important because so is going to get in the way, and that's the ones you loved. He showed me that night that he'll never put anything before his family and I'm sure friends included, and I know now that I would never either. Because I see how much stronger my grandmother is because of the decision he made. And I see how much happier he is knowing she is doing better than she would have if had left. I learned from my father that night and these following years after that a hero isn't specifically someone who risks their lives for someone else, but a hero is someone who puts the lives of others before their own, period. No matter the situation.
There's a reason though that my grandmother was able to crawl out of that physical dark hole and keep living. That reason is my Father. He is one two children my grandmother had. Both boys; he is the baby. He is also has Power of Attorney now that she is declining in her mental health. Unfortunately, my uncle, his brother, isn't much a help in all the intricacies that have come with keeping her stable physically and mentally. Being alone in making the decisions and actually having to physically follow through on them has really worn on my father and you can see it. But he perseveres and manages to do what's best for her everyday.
My father is my hero and ultimately always has been growing up, but it wasn't until I became older and could appreciate real world situations that I started to learn life lessons from my father that I know will make me a better man. The reason I speak about my grandmother and my father's efforts to keep her healthy is two-fold. First of all just the fact that he is taking care of her is a valuable and respectable lesson in itself. The second reason is because there was a sub-scenario involving him and his mother's health that I was indirectly a part of, where I learned one of the most valuable lessons from my father. Let delve a little deeper into that.
My father is a Lieutenant of the Washington D.C. Metropolitan Police Officer. He is thought of pretty highly among his peers and ranking officers. He also has been a part of some big name things with other federal law enforcement agencies as a liaison for the department. He's earned everything he has received including some of the perks to being well liked and good at what you do. This included an appointment to the FBI Academy for a 10 week program they offer to police officers domestically and internationally. This is a very prestigious offer very few get. My father was given it around the start of my senior year. Naturally we were all excited. We knew things were going to change a bit while he was gone for the 10 weeks, but him and the rest of the family was STOKED!
Everybody started preparing. We were changing our schedules to get use to what it would be like while he would be gone, he was buying the necessities to stay there for 10 weeks, and we were doing our best to get use helping our mom with a lot more fill the void of his absence. Unfortunately just around the time he was ready to go and wheels were to be set in motion, my grandmother started going down hill. We were figuring out how we would take care of her while he was away and all that jazz, when finally my dad came home one night. It was a Friday, around 6:45 PM, he was supposed to leave that weekend. I was downstairs waiting for the hockey game to start, and he came down and sat with me. We exchanged small talk and finally I asked him when he was leaving that weekend for Quantico (FBI Headquarters and Training Facility).
He looked at me and said he wasn't going. He explained that he had respectfully turned down the offer earlier that day at work explaining then and now to me that he just couldn't leave with my grandmother in the state she was in. I was the first person of the family he had told I respected him for it, but felt kind of bad because I knew he wanted this and how big would have been. But I shrugged it off and went back to watching TV with him in silence. Then shit got real.
My father broke the silence with a sigh and looked at me. I looked back at him. He starts saying to me he feels like Kevin Costner's character in Field of Dreams, where Costner is offered the chance to follow his dead father into the abyss within his cornfield knowing whatever decision he made he couldn't go back and the chance wouldn't come again; just like that he felt with this way with this opportunity, he knew whatever decision he made would be final and the chance wouldn't come again. He was telling me all of this with tears starting to form in his eyes and I could hear is voice starting to choke up. I notice was feeling tears about the form but I used all the strength I had to be strong for him because I knew that's what he needed.
Seeing my father almost breakdown as he explained how hard of a decision it was to give up something that would never come around again to take care of his mother and knowing I was the first person he was telling this to truly showed me how much this meant to him. But he doesn't understand how much that moment meant to me. It was right there Andrew White taught me one the most valuable lessons ever.
Opportunities are going to come your way that are once in a lifetime and your not going to be able to take them; not because of a schedule conflict or because you just don't care, but because something just as irreplaceable but more important because so is going to get in the way, and that's the ones you loved. He showed me that night that he'll never put anything before his family and I'm sure friends included, and I know now that I would never either. Because I see how much stronger my grandmother is because of the decision he made. And I see how much happier he is knowing she is doing better than she would have if had left. I learned from my father that night and these following years after that a hero isn't specifically someone who risks their lives for someone else, but a hero is someone who puts the lives of others before their own, period. No matter the situation.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.
When you're a relationship type of person, being single SUCKS! When you're not, then being single doesn't suck. Sorry about that captain obvious statement, but I couldn't think of anything better to say to start this blog haha. But anyway, I'm the relationship type. But I'm also single and I HATE IT! This is going to sound a bit whiny (I promise it's leading to something though) but I haven't been able to get a girlfriend since freshman year of high school when I was allowed to start dating. Every girl I've like hasn't liked me back, and if I've exposed my feelings to them, they've rejected me. I think one of the things that made it hardest on me was freshman year of college. By the end of a high school tenure where I had been perpetually single and unable to get girls, I was depressed. Not in the medical sense but just like in my mind; I was bummed.
But everyone who knew this all told me the same thing at the end of high school: "Just wait for college man. It's totally different. No way you won't get a girl by the end of freshman year."
Well guess what, college is not different at all in this aspect of life, at least it's not different for me. And that's why frosh year made it the hardest. What can I say, I'm a lonely guy, who wants more than just some hookup on a weekend here and there. Will I take a hookup if it comes my way, certainly, but that's only because I'm a human and have needs like everyone else. But I want MORE. I want the days of just talking and laughing. I want the lunch dates and then the hand holding walks around campus and/or to each others class. I want the nights of staying in, cuddling and watching a movie and not caring if the night doesn't go any farther. I want the physical on an occasional basis. I want the mental, knowing we can lean on each other. I want all the aspects.
But I'm sick of hearing people tell me, after they hear this, "Just wait. Good things come to those who wait. I'm sure that's why your still single, something good is down the road." And you know what, they are probably right in their words. But this is how things have been for me since freshman year of high school, and so I'M TIRED OF WAITING!
Now before this blog gets to whiny, I said I was saying this all to make a point, so lets get to that:
January 1st, 2013, sometime in the 9 o'clock hour of the evening, I lost my virginity. This moment is a regret of mine. But let me elaborate.
First, and most important, I don't regret the girl. She is a great girl who I've become friends with since that night. This state of regret has nothing to do with her.
Second, I don't regret the idea of not being a virgin either, because had this night not happen, I still don't for-see me being a virgin till marriage. Which to me is okay, so don't feel bad if you aren't and didn't wait till marriage. It's your life, live it how you want, don't let others make you feel bad for it.
Third, I do regret WHY and HOW I lost my virginity. This is where my point (or life lesson) comes into play.
WHY: Because of how lonely I had become for being single for as long as I had (and still have), I was under the impression that maybe I was single because I was still a virgin. That maybe this gave off an idea of inexperience that scared off girls, in this case, the ones I liked. So I believed I had to lose my virginity in order to better my odds. THIS WAS AND STILL IS STUPID! I don't know how this idea got into my head, but if you're a virgin still and this idea is in your head, get rid of it. I should never have thought this. So like I said, if your still a single virgin who can't seem to get somebody, DON'T EVER THINK THIS IS WHY! Even if a person rejects you for this, don't think about it; you don't need and shouldn't want them; if they rejected you because of this, they don't respect you. And that's what it all boils down to. Respect! Self and for others, and to extent, I think I lacked both.
HOW: I received a phone call from a buddy saying they knew of three girls D.T.F. (Down to Fuck) and they needed one more guy. Me being a naive and horny teenage boy saw this as my chance, and well the rest is history as you already know.
My first time was a meaningless hookup, in all aspects, that I went through because I was stupid and let a misconception guide my decisions/actions. In the moment it seemed great. On the drive home I was texting certain people with jubilee. But as time went on, that happiness and feeling of progress I had faded. The film on my was removed and I realized something, I'M STILL SINGLE! And I threw away my virginity FOR NOTHING! It didn't change anything, except that it left me only more hurt that I had nobody to call my own.
Will I still go for hookups, yeah I probably will, but again it's because I'm human and have human needs, but does that mean all the way, I'm not sure; depends on the situation. I'd like to think I have enough self-control to wait till I'm in a steady relationship with someone before I have sex again, but I can't really know till I reach that bridge and it comes time to cross it.
So, lets establish some things:
Being single as a relationship type of person SUCKS! If you're that way, you're not alone. I know what your going through. And call me a hypocrite, but I'm gonna say it, "Just keep waiting, good things are going to come. You and I both just have to be patient whether we want to or not."
Second sex can be a great thing, don't get me wrong; yeah I've only done it once, but I already can tell it can be, but only when it's done for the right reasons. My reason was not right. So if your having sex or planning on doing so, just make sure it's for the reasons for both yourself and your partner.
And finally, don't let your regrets hold you back. Use them as a beacon to guide you through the darker parts of your life. As a symbol of what could happen if you give into the hard times trying to bring you down. Remember, destruction leads to a very rough road, but it also breeds creation. But it's up to you to take that "destruction" (or regret) and use it as a new blueprint to create. Life gets better!
But everyone who knew this all told me the same thing at the end of high school: "Just wait for college man. It's totally different. No way you won't get a girl by the end of freshman year."
Well guess what, college is not different at all in this aspect of life, at least it's not different for me. And that's why frosh year made it the hardest. What can I say, I'm a lonely guy, who wants more than just some hookup on a weekend here and there. Will I take a hookup if it comes my way, certainly, but that's only because I'm a human and have needs like everyone else. But I want MORE. I want the days of just talking and laughing. I want the lunch dates and then the hand holding walks around campus and/or to each others class. I want the nights of staying in, cuddling and watching a movie and not caring if the night doesn't go any farther. I want the physical on an occasional basis. I want the mental, knowing we can lean on each other. I want all the aspects.
But I'm sick of hearing people tell me, after they hear this, "Just wait. Good things come to those who wait. I'm sure that's why your still single, something good is down the road." And you know what, they are probably right in their words. But this is how things have been for me since freshman year of high school, and so I'M TIRED OF WAITING!
Now before this blog gets to whiny, I said I was saying this all to make a point, so lets get to that:
January 1st, 2013, sometime in the 9 o'clock hour of the evening, I lost my virginity. This moment is a regret of mine. But let me elaborate.
First, and most important, I don't regret the girl. She is a great girl who I've become friends with since that night. This state of regret has nothing to do with her.
Second, I don't regret the idea of not being a virgin either, because had this night not happen, I still don't for-see me being a virgin till marriage. Which to me is okay, so don't feel bad if you aren't and didn't wait till marriage. It's your life, live it how you want, don't let others make you feel bad for it.
Third, I do regret WHY and HOW I lost my virginity. This is where my point (or life lesson) comes into play.
WHY: Because of how lonely I had become for being single for as long as I had (and still have), I was under the impression that maybe I was single because I was still a virgin. That maybe this gave off an idea of inexperience that scared off girls, in this case, the ones I liked. So I believed I had to lose my virginity in order to better my odds. THIS WAS AND STILL IS STUPID! I don't know how this idea got into my head, but if you're a virgin still and this idea is in your head, get rid of it. I should never have thought this. So like I said, if your still a single virgin who can't seem to get somebody, DON'T EVER THINK THIS IS WHY! Even if a person rejects you for this, don't think about it; you don't need and shouldn't want them; if they rejected you because of this, they don't respect you. And that's what it all boils down to. Respect! Self and for others, and to extent, I think I lacked both.
HOW: I received a phone call from a buddy saying they knew of three girls D.T.F. (Down to Fuck) and they needed one more guy. Me being a naive and horny teenage boy saw this as my chance, and well the rest is history as you already know.
My first time was a meaningless hookup, in all aspects, that I went through because I was stupid and let a misconception guide my decisions/actions. In the moment it seemed great. On the drive home I was texting certain people with jubilee. But as time went on, that happiness and feeling of progress I had faded. The film on my was removed and I realized something, I'M STILL SINGLE! And I threw away my virginity FOR NOTHING! It didn't change anything, except that it left me only more hurt that I had nobody to call my own.
Will I still go for hookups, yeah I probably will, but again it's because I'm human and have human needs, but does that mean all the way, I'm not sure; depends on the situation. I'd like to think I have enough self-control to wait till I'm in a steady relationship with someone before I have sex again, but I can't really know till I reach that bridge and it comes time to cross it.
So, lets establish some things:
Being single as a relationship type of person SUCKS! If you're that way, you're not alone. I know what your going through. And call me a hypocrite, but I'm gonna say it, "Just keep waiting, good things are going to come. You and I both just have to be patient whether we want to or not."
Second sex can be a great thing, don't get me wrong; yeah I've only done it once, but I already can tell it can be, but only when it's done for the right reasons. My reason was not right. So if your having sex or planning on doing so, just make sure it's for the reasons for both yourself and your partner.
And finally, don't let your regrets hold you back. Use them as a beacon to guide you through the darker parts of your life. As a symbol of what could happen if you give into the hard times trying to bring you down. Remember, destruction leads to a very rough road, but it also breeds creation. But it's up to you to take that "destruction" (or regret) and use it as a new blueprint to create. Life gets better!
Friday, September 13, 2013
Spread the Word to End the Word
So last night I went clubbing for "Thirsty Thursdays" as the kids call it these days. And while there I was just kinda wandering around the club; I've never been good at asking girls to dance, so I tend to just be in that group of people who dance as a unit. This was the case for as well this night. I was having fun just bouncing around and being a goober, when "Let's get it Started" by the Black Eyed Peas came on. This was a song I loved to break it down to back in they day, so naturally I was HYPED! The first got rolling and I was feeling it. But unfortunately things took a severe left turn. Upon reaching the chorus of the song, I realized that the DJ was not playing "Let's get it started" by the Black Eyed Peas, but their original version of the song "Let's get R******d".
Instantly my energy was drained and I was filled with some discomfort. There was a few reasons for this. The main one: I don't like that word at least when used in the connotation it was being used in here. The other reasons are more like sub-reasons to go along with that main one.
First, how could the Black Eyed Peas ever thought this was a good idea of a song to make. This is the same group that wrote, "Where is the love". Singing about getting stupid for shits and giggles and equating it to being like a person with a mental handicap is TERRIBLE. That's not spreading love, that's spreading ignorance; ignorance leads to dumb/blind hate. And I assure you, that the people the song is referring too do not think having the handicap they do is fun and I assure you they don't get shits and giggles from it. And neither do their family and friends.
Second, the music a DJ plays, though it may not be his personal choice/iTunes he's blasting, it's still music he/she has to go out and acquire themselves even if it's not for personal enjoyment. This means he could have easily just gotten the "Let's get it Started" version, but he didn't, which is poor taste and un-classy. I mean seriously, even if it is a DJing job at some dirty club, have SOME decency.
Third, a lot of the people in the club were un-phased by the song and were even singing it including the word. It just felt like people were basking in their own ignorance to what they were singing and what they were suggesting in lyrics leaving their mouths. Just like the Black Eyed Peas themselves, when you sing that song, you too are equating everything be sung to the same thing the Black Eyed Peas were when they wrote/recorded it. And as humans, I'd like to think we're better than that.
I myself am not completely against the word. Let me explain. I believe the word retard and it's various tenses should be allowed in common vernacular, but ONLY when used in the proper connotation it was intended. For example I saw the word just the other day in my Physics text book, but I was un-phased by it because the author was using it properly. Unfortunately we've made it into an atrocious SLUR to describe a person, ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, with a mental handicap they can't control having and I'm sure they didn't ask for or to describe a person acting in a manner you don't approve and equating it to that handicapped person. That's when using this word becomes UNACCEPTABLE, at least from my perspective. How could you ever say that about a person.
People with disabilities of the mind are still humans who deserve love. And you know what they are still just like the rest of us. They have feelings, they have likes and dislikes, they hobbies, and when you cut them, they bleed red TOO! To outcast them or classify them or assume the worst for/about them because of their disability is to dehumanize them. And when you use that word in relation to them at any capacity, even if you don't intend to offend, YOU STILL DO! But not only do you offend them, you offend their families, friends, and the many of us who believe in the idea we as humans are equal require of race, orientation, religion, or even mental capacity. When you use that word in that connotation, you're insinuating a lesser opinion, which is similar to that of Hitler. This analogy is a bit severe but it's still comparable.
Certainly you can make the argument of Freedom of speech provided by the First Amendment, but this is one of those give an inch take a mile scenarios. Just because you have freedom or ability to do something, doesn't mean you need to take advantage and be a dick. So just find another word, it's not that hard of a task, and there are countless ones out there. And for those of us against this connotation of word, lets better ourselves at correcting others respectfully when they use it. I know people who do, including some closer friends, and I'm sure you do to, so lets just work together at holding others and ourselves responsible as we work to make the world a better place for all.
Instantly my energy was drained and I was filled with some discomfort. There was a few reasons for this. The main one: I don't like that word at least when used in the connotation it was being used in here. The other reasons are more like sub-reasons to go along with that main one.
First, how could the Black Eyed Peas ever thought this was a good idea of a song to make. This is the same group that wrote, "Where is the love". Singing about getting stupid for shits and giggles and equating it to being like a person with a mental handicap is TERRIBLE. That's not spreading love, that's spreading ignorance; ignorance leads to dumb/blind hate. And I assure you, that the people the song is referring too do not think having the handicap they do is fun and I assure you they don't get shits and giggles from it. And neither do their family and friends.
Second, the music a DJ plays, though it may not be his personal choice/iTunes he's blasting, it's still music he/she has to go out and acquire themselves even if it's not for personal enjoyment. This means he could have easily just gotten the "Let's get it Started" version, but he didn't, which is poor taste and un-classy. I mean seriously, even if it is a DJing job at some dirty club, have SOME decency.
Third, a lot of the people in the club were un-phased by the song and were even singing it including the word. It just felt like people were basking in their own ignorance to what they were singing and what they were suggesting in lyrics leaving their mouths. Just like the Black Eyed Peas themselves, when you sing that song, you too are equating everything be sung to the same thing the Black Eyed Peas were when they wrote/recorded it. And as humans, I'd like to think we're better than that.
I myself am not completely against the word. Let me explain. I believe the word retard and it's various tenses should be allowed in common vernacular, but ONLY when used in the proper connotation it was intended. For example I saw the word just the other day in my Physics text book, but I was un-phased by it because the author was using it properly. Unfortunately we've made it into an atrocious SLUR to describe a person, ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, with a mental handicap they can't control having and I'm sure they didn't ask for or to describe a person acting in a manner you don't approve and equating it to that handicapped person. That's when using this word becomes UNACCEPTABLE, at least from my perspective. How could you ever say that about a person.
People with disabilities of the mind are still humans who deserve love. And you know what they are still just like the rest of us. They have feelings, they have likes and dislikes, they hobbies, and when you cut them, they bleed red TOO! To outcast them or classify them or assume the worst for/about them because of their disability is to dehumanize them. And when you use that word in relation to them at any capacity, even if you don't intend to offend, YOU STILL DO! But not only do you offend them, you offend their families, friends, and the many of us who believe in the idea we as humans are equal require of race, orientation, religion, or even mental capacity. When you use that word in that connotation, you're insinuating a lesser opinion, which is similar to that of Hitler. This analogy is a bit severe but it's still comparable.
Certainly you can make the argument of Freedom of speech provided by the First Amendment, but this is one of those give an inch take a mile scenarios. Just because you have freedom or ability to do something, doesn't mean you need to take advantage and be a dick. So just find another word, it's not that hard of a task, and there are countless ones out there. And for those of us against this connotation of word, lets better ourselves at correcting others respectfully when they use it. I know people who do, including some closer friends, and I'm sure you do to, so lets just work together at holding others and ourselves responsible as we work to make the world a better place for all.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tomorrow Holds Such Better Days
Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013. I wake up around 8:20 AM to what sounds like laughter in the room next door. I figure it's my dorm neighbors cracking jokes as they get ready and prepare to head off to their 9 o'clocks. My class isn't until Noon, so I shrug it off and go back to sleep. 11 AM rolls around and I sit up in my loft bed, feet hang off the side, still groggy.
My best friend, and roommate at the time, looks at me and says, "Hey, somebody killed themselves this morning."
Instantly it all clicked in my head. The noise I was hearing next door earlier that morning was not laughter, but crying. Immediately what I knew what he was going to say next, but I was already preparing myself to not believe it.
He looks at me; solemnly he says, "Larry jumped from the sixth floor of Stuart [dormitory complex] this morning."
On Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013, in the early morning hours, Larry Cook took his own life. These words pierced through me; I was numb from that point on the rest of the day. Larry was not just a dorm neighbor, but he was friend. We watched sports together from time, played basketball occasionally, and he was the only person who could get me to go out on Thursday nights when I knew I should stay in and get a better nights rest than I usually did for my classes. I was so confused, as anyone would be after hearing news of a friends suicide. Your left with only questions; no answers. Plus, Larry was such a personable guy with a smile that could light up the darkest of rooms, so naturally it just didn't make any sense.
The following weeks were pretty rough. The incident had happened the day of classes resuming post Easter break. Getting back into the swing of things and buckling down for the home stretch of the year were not made any easier.
Even though I love to party and go out every weekend, I don't drink, never been me. Well after what happened with Larry, for the next three weekends, I did. I drank till I was drunk and numb of the pain. I disguised under the ruse that I was drinking to just have a good time with friends and to finally see what drinking was like, but I knew the real reason why. I was just to ashamed to admit it. Eventually though, I came to terms with what had occurred and realized what I was doing wasn't me. And even if I was hurt, that was no excuse to not continuing being who I am. It wasn't fair too me. So I decided to improve my life choices as a means to honor Larry. He was a very proactive person, and hearing and learning so much more about him in the aftermath of his death inspired me to be proactive as well. I stopped being a stagnant community member and signed on to do a nine week service trip to the Appalachian region of eastern Kentucky with my school.
It was an incredible experience. Not just something that I wanted to do, but something that I NEEDED to do. I learned so much about myself while on the trip. And also a lot more about the world around me and what the human will is capable of. I also saw the person I wanted to be; a person like Larry. But why do I tell you all of this? Here is why:
I feel too often, someone around dies (especially if they were young), and we say something like, "Life's too short and we need to live like everyday could be our last." Or something cliché like that.
But then, do we? NO. We go back to whatever B.S. we were doing and continue are stagnant daily routines. We've become so naturalized to idea of complacency, that even when we're inspired to improve, we get sucked back into not. So I tell you all this as a challenge. I CHALLENGE you to take what I've given you in this post and go out LIVE as if today truly was your last. Don't take this life you have for granted and waste it.
Also, I challenge you to show everyone life if worth living. There's two people in us all. The one our family, friends, acquaintances, and peers see and the one we are when we're alone. Because so, we really can have no idea who is really in love with life and who isn't. So like I previously stated, show EVERYONE life if worth living. Get off you butt and be PROACTIVE!
Let's help prevent anymore lives lost too soon!
My best friend, and roommate at the time, looks at me and says, "Hey, somebody killed themselves this morning."
Instantly it all clicked in my head. The noise I was hearing next door earlier that morning was not laughter, but crying. Immediately what I knew what he was going to say next, but I was already preparing myself to not believe it.
He looks at me; solemnly he says, "Larry jumped from the sixth floor of Stuart [dormitory complex] this morning."
On Tuesday, April 2nd, 2013, in the early morning hours, Larry Cook took his own life. These words pierced through me; I was numb from that point on the rest of the day. Larry was not just a dorm neighbor, but he was friend. We watched sports together from time, played basketball occasionally, and he was the only person who could get me to go out on Thursday nights when I knew I should stay in and get a better nights rest than I usually did for my classes. I was so confused, as anyone would be after hearing news of a friends suicide. Your left with only questions; no answers. Plus, Larry was such a personable guy with a smile that could light up the darkest of rooms, so naturally it just didn't make any sense.
The following weeks were pretty rough. The incident had happened the day of classes resuming post Easter break. Getting back into the swing of things and buckling down for the home stretch of the year were not made any easier.
Even though I love to party and go out every weekend, I don't drink, never been me. Well after what happened with Larry, for the next three weekends, I did. I drank till I was drunk and numb of the pain. I disguised under the ruse that I was drinking to just have a good time with friends and to finally see what drinking was like, but I knew the real reason why. I was just to ashamed to admit it. Eventually though, I came to terms with what had occurred and realized what I was doing wasn't me. And even if I was hurt, that was no excuse to not continuing being who I am. It wasn't fair too me. So I decided to improve my life choices as a means to honor Larry. He was a very proactive person, and hearing and learning so much more about him in the aftermath of his death inspired me to be proactive as well. I stopped being a stagnant community member and signed on to do a nine week service trip to the Appalachian region of eastern Kentucky with my school.
It was an incredible experience. Not just something that I wanted to do, but something that I NEEDED to do. I learned so much about myself while on the trip. And also a lot more about the world around me and what the human will is capable of. I also saw the person I wanted to be; a person like Larry. But why do I tell you all of this? Here is why:
I feel too often, someone around dies (especially if they were young), and we say something like, "Life's too short and we need to live like everyday could be our last." Or something cliché like that.
But then, do we? NO. We go back to whatever B.S. we were doing and continue are stagnant daily routines. We've become so naturalized to idea of complacency, that even when we're inspired to improve, we get sucked back into not. So I tell you all this as a challenge. I CHALLENGE you to take what I've given you in this post and go out LIVE as if today truly was your last. Don't take this life you have for granted and waste it.
Also, I challenge you to show everyone life if worth living. There's two people in us all. The one our family, friends, acquaintances, and peers see and the one we are when we're alone. Because so, we really can have no idea who is really in love with life and who isn't. So like I previously stated, show EVERYONE life if worth living. Get off you butt and be PROACTIVE!
Let's help prevent anymore lives lost too soon!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Love at First Sight?
One of the topics many people love to discuss and light heartedly debate is love at first sight. Some people believe in it which for those people that would naturally mean this person they're seeing and falling in with immediately at first sight they would consider they're soul mate. Some people don't believe in it, but do believe in a soul mate. Others don't believe either, but still believe in love. And finally even some don't believe in love at all. Well I tried to tackle the issue in relation to me in a paper I wrote in high school.
When I was a senior in high school, for English class we would have to give an Oral Presentation, or an O.P. for short. This was a paper you wrote and presented orally to the class and then you would have a peer discussion on the topic. What you wrote about was your choice but the guidelines were that you pick a topic and first write an anecdote of how you relate to it and then discuss how society as a whole may relate to it. At least I believe those were the guidelines, my memory is a little hazy on that part. Here is what I wrote:
"The subject my O.P. is written about is hard for me to talk about, and I’m not sure
anyone can relate too much to any of it, which makes it harder. I mean as I sit here at my keyboard typing my hand it trembling from nerves, which doesn’t make sense because the only one here is me. I guess knowing that I’m going to be reading this to all of you is what is making me nervous. Now that I’ve said all of this I’m left asking myself “Why am I even talking about it then?” I guess it’s because sometimes there’s that one thing you just have to get out of you and it’s searching for an excuse to do so; well this O.P. is my excuse. And I have a hunch that most of you will have the same question at the end of this, during the post-O.P. discussion, and I’m going tell you right now that I am not going to tell you. So here we go:
For my O.P. instead of telling one story, I will tell three very brief anecdotes that relate to each other as well as my topic. But first, a little build-up: we’ve all liked a girl/guy as more than a friend. But even this form of attraction can vary. Theirs the person you have a crush on; theirs the person you really like and want a shot with; and then there’s the person you like so much that it’s love, and I’m not talking about the kind of love where it’s like “Oh, we’ve been together for 6 months now”. Not that that isn’t a real form of love but I’m talking about this feeling you get where you just know you want to spend forever with someone. You want to support them in every way, you want a family with them, and you want them to put their life in your hands because you would do any and everything for them including giving up you life for them. Most of us have experienced the first two kinds, but what if I told you I’ve experienced the third kind, towards a girl I’m not even with, and heck she’s not even single. I know many of you are right now thinking, bro, you’re a naïve 18 year old boy who hasn’t even graduated high school yet, and you think you know something as bold as that already. I mean yeah, there is still a lot of life ahead of me, but I…I don’t know how to explain it.
One night my uncle, who is related to me by marriage, which I say only to add to the impressiveness of this story, was sitting at a bar with his best friend. They were sharing some
brews and enjoying each other’s company and living the lives of bachelors. Eventually my uncle taps his friend and gestures towards a young lady at the end of the bar he had never met before and says to him, “You see that girl at the end of the bar, I’m going to marry her.” That woman is my aunt. They are still happily married today and have two healthy children in college.
My father was introduced to a young lady by a mutual friend. He tells my sisters and me that he knew on the first date that he was going to marry this girl. And he actually told her so on the third date. Obviously he knew what he was saying because she is my mom. They’ll be married for 26 years May 10th and they’ve had four children including me.
My Grandfather was attracted to this beautiful woman from New York who moved down here to Maryland because of the Great Depression. He asked her out, she said no. A little while later he asked her out again, she said no. Finally he decided to ask her out one more time, she said yes. This beautiful woman from New York was my grandmother. They were married for too long for me to count, they had 6 children including my mom, and they even took in a niece because her parents could not raise her.
How did they know? How did my uncle, father, and grandfather know without a shadow of a doubt that these were the women they were going to spend forever with. I just don’t know. All I know is here I am this naïve 18 year old boy, and I’m pretty sure I’ve already had that moment as well. I’m positive it’s not lust, because I don’t look at this girl and only think, “I want to tap that”. I look at her think here is a girl that words fall short of putting a description to, and I want to wake up every day knowing she’s mine, knowing that we’re relying on each other, and I will travel to ends of the earth to make sure I don’t let her down and ultimately want to spend forever with. A girl I would lay down my life for and that is not an over-exaggeration. There is just something about her that shuts me off from the rest of the world and takes me to another dimension. Like the way she gives me sass and I act like it bothers me but we both know I love it. It’s the little things, the big things, and everything in between and what makes it all even better is she’s humble and acts like she’s nothing special.
Unfortunately the way everything is currently arranged all odds say I’m wrong and I’m not supposed to be with her, but still there’s some form of quiet confidence inside of me saying, “Yeah I am, just wait, you’ll see”. Why is it some of us, myself included, are just so sure about something like this when it’s such an unsure topic in such and unsure world?"
As time has passed since I've written that paper, I'm not sure where I stand anymore on love at first sight. Part of me now agrees with those people that said I was a naive 18 year old boy in high school that needed to do more living. Because here we are now, a few years gone by, and I'm not so sure I'm going to end up with that girl. I mean a small part of me still holds hope, but it's a very small part. But, I think it's a good thing that it's a small part of me, and almost all of myself has moved on, because if I hadn't, I don't think I would be capable of ever truly put myself out there in the search for love with someone, if I was always ruled by this "romantic comedy" notion I had built up in my mind. Time changes things, including our feelings about and for others. All you can do is live this roller coaster of life and hope when the ride is done, you didn't throw up TOO much, metaphorically of course. (Maybe literally on a few nights in college) So even if you do believe in love at first sight, DON'T let it control all that you do in the game of love, because if it's real, then as long as you just do you and let the pieces fall into place, then you'll have nothing to worry about, for you will be with that one that caught your glance, myself included.
When I was a senior in high school, for English class we would have to give an Oral Presentation, or an O.P. for short. This was a paper you wrote and presented orally to the class and then you would have a peer discussion on the topic. What you wrote about was your choice but the guidelines were that you pick a topic and first write an anecdote of how you relate to it and then discuss how society as a whole may relate to it. At least I believe those were the guidelines, my memory is a little hazy on that part. Here is what I wrote:
"The subject my O.P. is written about is hard for me to talk about, and I’m not sure
anyone can relate too much to any of it, which makes it harder. I mean as I sit here at my keyboard typing my hand it trembling from nerves, which doesn’t make sense because the only one here is me. I guess knowing that I’m going to be reading this to all of you is what is making me nervous. Now that I’ve said all of this I’m left asking myself “Why am I even talking about it then?” I guess it’s because sometimes there’s that one thing you just have to get out of you and it’s searching for an excuse to do so; well this O.P. is my excuse. And I have a hunch that most of you will have the same question at the end of this, during the post-O.P. discussion, and I’m going tell you right now that I am not going to tell you. So here we go:
For my O.P. instead of telling one story, I will tell three very brief anecdotes that relate to each other as well as my topic. But first, a little build-up: we’ve all liked a girl/guy as more than a friend. But even this form of attraction can vary. Theirs the person you have a crush on; theirs the person you really like and want a shot with; and then there’s the person you like so much that it’s love, and I’m not talking about the kind of love where it’s like “Oh, we’ve been together for 6 months now”. Not that that isn’t a real form of love but I’m talking about this feeling you get where you just know you want to spend forever with someone. You want to support them in every way, you want a family with them, and you want them to put their life in your hands because you would do any and everything for them including giving up you life for them. Most of us have experienced the first two kinds, but what if I told you I’ve experienced the third kind, towards a girl I’m not even with, and heck she’s not even single. I know many of you are right now thinking, bro, you’re a naïve 18 year old boy who hasn’t even graduated high school yet, and you think you know something as bold as that already. I mean yeah, there is still a lot of life ahead of me, but I…I don’t know how to explain it.
One night my uncle, who is related to me by marriage, which I say only to add to the impressiveness of this story, was sitting at a bar with his best friend. They were sharing some
brews and enjoying each other’s company and living the lives of bachelors. Eventually my uncle taps his friend and gestures towards a young lady at the end of the bar he had never met before and says to him, “You see that girl at the end of the bar, I’m going to marry her.” That woman is my aunt. They are still happily married today and have two healthy children in college.
My father was introduced to a young lady by a mutual friend. He tells my sisters and me that he knew on the first date that he was going to marry this girl. And he actually told her so on the third date. Obviously he knew what he was saying because she is my mom. They’ll be married for 26 years May 10th and they’ve had four children including me.
My Grandfather was attracted to this beautiful woman from New York who moved down here to Maryland because of the Great Depression. He asked her out, she said no. A little while later he asked her out again, she said no. Finally he decided to ask her out one more time, she said yes. This beautiful woman from New York was my grandmother. They were married for too long for me to count, they had 6 children including my mom, and they even took in a niece because her parents could not raise her.
How did they know? How did my uncle, father, and grandfather know without a shadow of a doubt that these were the women they were going to spend forever with. I just don’t know. All I know is here I am this naïve 18 year old boy, and I’m pretty sure I’ve already had that moment as well. I’m positive it’s not lust, because I don’t look at this girl and only think, “I want to tap that”. I look at her think here is a girl that words fall short of putting a description to, and I want to wake up every day knowing she’s mine, knowing that we’re relying on each other, and I will travel to ends of the earth to make sure I don’t let her down and ultimately want to spend forever with. A girl I would lay down my life for and that is not an over-exaggeration. There is just something about her that shuts me off from the rest of the world and takes me to another dimension. Like the way she gives me sass and I act like it bothers me but we both know I love it. It’s the little things, the big things, and everything in between and what makes it all even better is she’s humble and acts like she’s nothing special.
Unfortunately the way everything is currently arranged all odds say I’m wrong and I’m not supposed to be with her, but still there’s some form of quiet confidence inside of me saying, “Yeah I am, just wait, you’ll see”. Why is it some of us, myself included, are just so sure about something like this when it’s such an unsure topic in such and unsure world?"
As time has passed since I've written that paper, I'm not sure where I stand anymore on love at first sight. Part of me now agrees with those people that said I was a naive 18 year old boy in high school that needed to do more living. Because here we are now, a few years gone by, and I'm not so sure I'm going to end up with that girl. I mean a small part of me still holds hope, but it's a very small part. But, I think it's a good thing that it's a small part of me, and almost all of myself has moved on, because if I hadn't, I don't think I would be capable of ever truly put myself out there in the search for love with someone, if I was always ruled by this "romantic comedy" notion I had built up in my mind. Time changes things, including our feelings about and for others. All you can do is live this roller coaster of life and hope when the ride is done, you didn't throw up TOO much, metaphorically of course. (Maybe literally on a few nights in college) So even if you do believe in love at first sight, DON'T let it control all that you do in the game of love, because if it's real, then as long as you just do you and let the pieces fall into place, then you'll have nothing to worry about, for you will be with that one that caught your glance, myself included.
You want Apologies, Girl you Might Hold your Breath...
Hello everybody, Bow Tie Chris here, and it's time for my first actual blog post. So lets begin:
To really appreciate this blog topic, I first have to give you some slight backstory in order for you to understand and appreciate it. So, I went on this double date with this girl I like. But I could tell she didn't think it was a date when it came time to pay and she was surprised that I paid for her. That isn't something that's a surprise to you when you know it's a date, and I'm sure it wasn't that she's just a modern girl who doesn't believe in the old fashion tradition that the guy pays for her. But ultimately, it didn't seem like an issue because we still ended up spending most of the night together. My act of chivalry hadn't scared her off. But, I'll be honest, I was subtle about liking her even though I didn't just come right out and say. Everyone could tell how I felt including her, but eventually as the days went on and after speaking with her roommate, the conclusion had been reached that she wasn't interested in me like that. I'm used to rejection (we're best friends him and I) so I was content with not saying anything to her and just keeping our good friendship. I kind of saw our situation like Schrodinger's Cat: as long as I didn't say anything to her about how I really felt she couldn't like or reject me for it. I could assume the best and worst at the same time.
Well, about week after all of this, I was just reminiscing of my high school days and got to thinking about all the girls who used the "I really cherish our friendship" excuse as a reason not to date me instead of just straight up rejecting me, and so I posted this status on Facebook: "I hate those girls that when you tell them you like them they tell you they just like you as a really good friend. But right after they feed you that soft line of rejection they stop contributing to this so called "good friendship" they didn't want to possibly get destroyed by a relationship. The texts stop flowing, the hangouts stop happening, and when they see you they try to avoid you. It's all just bullshit." A couple of hours after posting this status, I receive word from my best friend that this girl I went on the date with thought it was about her. He had her this from her roommate who he is friends with.
This information actually made me very angry, because the status had nothing to do with her. Like I said, I NEVER told her how I felt, so she couldn't have qualified. There were two reasons I was so angry. First, she was mad at me for an issue she caused herself in her mind because of an assumption she made, and we all know what happens when you assume. Second, now because of this assumption she has made, I can't just let this blow over. I have actually speak with and open that box with the can in it that is our relationship (currently friendship still). Like I said, I was perfectly content with not saying anything and enjoying a friendship with her, but because of her assumption and little hissy fit, now we have to discuss my feelings for her.
As I previously stated, I hadn't been subtle in terms of my feelings for her, and since she did know I like her, she thought the status was about her because she knew I like her but also hadn't been able to talk/hang much with me and she thought I had attributed that to the fact the we both knew that she knew I like her. Well we talked and cleared the air in the sense that we established the status wasn't about her. The problem though is like I said, I had to tell how I felt, and now that I have, she honestly is living up to everything the status said.
How are you going to get so angry about something and be so adamant that you aren't like that, but the minute the time comes to put your money where your mouth is, you go and prove everything I said true. It's so hypocritical and frustrating. Especially when she also had the nerve to ask at one point during the conversation, "Do you actually cherish our friendship?" Because she felt that even if the status wasn't about her, I still sounded bitter. What kind of question is that, first of all, of course I cherish our friendship. Secondly, OF COURSE I'M BITTER! If I hadn't had cherished those friendships I had in high school that got ruined because I revealed my true feelings, I wouldn't be bitter. But I did cherish them, A LOT! So it saddened me that those girls would use friendship as an excuse but then stop being my friend. And now here she is doing the same thing when she insisted she wasn't that kind of girl. It's just all hypocritical and a bit of slap in the face to me for stepping up to the plate and trying to fix a problem I didn't even create. She did with her silly high schooler assumption.
Disclaimer: Yes I know guys do this stuff too, but being a male, I'm speaking from the male perspective. Naturally if you're a girl reading this, you can reverse the roles and still appreciate the message of this POST.
To really appreciate this blog topic, I first have to give you some slight backstory in order for you to understand and appreciate it. So, I went on this double date with this girl I like. But I could tell she didn't think it was a date when it came time to pay and she was surprised that I paid for her. That isn't something that's a surprise to you when you know it's a date, and I'm sure it wasn't that she's just a modern girl who doesn't believe in the old fashion tradition that the guy pays for her. But ultimately, it didn't seem like an issue because we still ended up spending most of the night together. My act of chivalry hadn't scared her off. But, I'll be honest, I was subtle about liking her even though I didn't just come right out and say. Everyone could tell how I felt including her, but eventually as the days went on and after speaking with her roommate, the conclusion had been reached that she wasn't interested in me like that. I'm used to rejection (we're best friends him and I) so I was content with not saying anything to her and just keeping our good friendship. I kind of saw our situation like Schrodinger's Cat: as long as I didn't say anything to her about how I really felt she couldn't like or reject me for it. I could assume the best and worst at the same time.
Well, about week after all of this, I was just reminiscing of my high school days and got to thinking about all the girls who used the "I really cherish our friendship" excuse as a reason not to date me instead of just straight up rejecting me, and so I posted this status on Facebook: "I hate those girls that when you tell them you like them they tell you they just like you as a really good friend. But right after they feed you that soft line of rejection they stop contributing to this so called "good friendship" they didn't want to possibly get destroyed by a relationship. The texts stop flowing, the hangouts stop happening, and when they see you they try to avoid you. It's all just bullshit." A couple of hours after posting this status, I receive word from my best friend that this girl I went on the date with thought it was about her. He had her this from her roommate who he is friends with.
This information actually made me very angry, because the status had nothing to do with her. Like I said, I NEVER told her how I felt, so she couldn't have qualified. There were two reasons I was so angry. First, she was mad at me for an issue she caused herself in her mind because of an assumption she made, and we all know what happens when you assume. Second, now because of this assumption she has made, I can't just let this blow over. I have actually speak with and open that box with the can in it that is our relationship (currently friendship still). Like I said, I was perfectly content with not saying anything and enjoying a friendship with her, but because of her assumption and little hissy fit, now we have to discuss my feelings for her.
As I previously stated, I hadn't been subtle in terms of my feelings for her, and since she did know I like her, she thought the status was about her because she knew I like her but also hadn't been able to talk/hang much with me and she thought I had attributed that to the fact the we both knew that she knew I like her. Well we talked and cleared the air in the sense that we established the status wasn't about her. The problem though is like I said, I had to tell how I felt, and now that I have, she honestly is living up to everything the status said.
How are you going to get so angry about something and be so adamant that you aren't like that, but the minute the time comes to put your money where your mouth is, you go and prove everything I said true. It's so hypocritical and frustrating. Especially when she also had the nerve to ask at one point during the conversation, "Do you actually cherish our friendship?" Because she felt that even if the status wasn't about her, I still sounded bitter. What kind of question is that, first of all, of course I cherish our friendship. Secondly, OF COURSE I'M BITTER! If I hadn't had cherished those friendships I had in high school that got ruined because I revealed my true feelings, I wouldn't be bitter. But I did cherish them, A LOT! So it saddened me that those girls would use friendship as an excuse but then stop being my friend. And now here she is doing the same thing when she insisted she wasn't that kind of girl. It's just all hypocritical and a bit of slap in the face to me for stepping up to the plate and trying to fix a problem I didn't even create. She did with her silly high schooler assumption.
Disclaimer: Yes I know guys do this stuff too, but being a male, I'm speaking from the male perspective. Naturally if you're a girl reading this, you can reverse the roles and still appreciate the message of this POST.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Introductions
Hello everybody, and welcome to my blog: Behind the Bow Tie. Before I get started, I just want to make a few disclaimers.
First, I have never blogged before, so I have little experience in this field of networking; my blog in every aspect will most likely be week for a little bit as I gain knowledge in how this all works.
Second, I'm not here to make friends or enemies, just to vent about anything and everything as means to keep from going insane or feeling down. So, if I offend/hurt anyone with my words, I apologize, thats not my intent. Now that we have established all this, lets begin.
My name is Christopher Malloy White, but everyone whether I know them or not, knows me as Bow Tie Chris. As you can assume, yes, it is because I wear a bow tie. But more specifically it is because I wear one EVERYDAY. I was born January 3rd, 1994 and am 19 years old. I attend the University of Dayton as a current sophomore where I major in Criminal Justice Studies with a Pre-Law Focus.
I grew up in a great, family oriented, household. I have both my parents and they have been happily married for 27 years. I also have three older sisters, but no brothers. That makes me the baby and the only boy, or as I like to put it: The baby boy, the pride and joy. (I promise I'm not actually that conceited haha)
Music and sports are my LIFE! When it comes to music I play guitar, piano, and drums and I write/compose my own stuff, but I don't my own stuff because I'm very critical of myself when it comes to my own songs. In terms of sports, if it's a sport I most likely love it. I play them all for my own amusement and watch most of them too for the same reason. I especially enjoy snowboarding and longboarding. They are great ways for me to get an adrenaline rush while clearing my head. A bit ironic I know, but it works for me.
My other hobbies, beside music and sports, are collecting vinyl records and bow ties. And yes I tie my own. Not sound pretentious or snobby, but I believe all men should be able to tie their own tie wether it is a straight one or a bow one. I like the classier look, thats why I wear nicer clothes with a bow tie everyday. People say I'm fratty or hipster, but I assure you I'm neither.
Besides that, there's nothing really left to know about me in terms of social introductions. I'm an open book; there isn't a question you couldn't ask me that I won't answer.
So there you have it. I'm Bow Tie Chris, and this is: Behind the Bow Tie.
First, I have never blogged before, so I have little experience in this field of networking; my blog in every aspect will most likely be week for a little bit as I gain knowledge in how this all works.
Second, I'm not here to make friends or enemies, just to vent about anything and everything as means to keep from going insane or feeling down. So, if I offend/hurt anyone with my words, I apologize, thats not my intent. Now that we have established all this, lets begin.
My name is Christopher Malloy White, but everyone whether I know them or not, knows me as Bow Tie Chris. As you can assume, yes, it is because I wear a bow tie. But more specifically it is because I wear one EVERYDAY. I was born January 3rd, 1994 and am 19 years old. I attend the University of Dayton as a current sophomore where I major in Criminal Justice Studies with a Pre-Law Focus.
I grew up in a great, family oriented, household. I have both my parents and they have been happily married for 27 years. I also have three older sisters, but no brothers. That makes me the baby and the only boy, or as I like to put it: The baby boy, the pride and joy. (I promise I'm not actually that conceited haha)
Music and sports are my LIFE! When it comes to music I play guitar, piano, and drums and I write/compose my own stuff, but I don't my own stuff because I'm very critical of myself when it comes to my own songs. In terms of sports, if it's a sport I most likely love it. I play them all for my own amusement and watch most of them too for the same reason. I especially enjoy snowboarding and longboarding. They are great ways for me to get an adrenaline rush while clearing my head. A bit ironic I know, but it works for me.
My other hobbies, beside music and sports, are collecting vinyl records and bow ties. And yes I tie my own. Not sound pretentious or snobby, but I believe all men should be able to tie their own tie wether it is a straight one or a bow one. I like the classier look, thats why I wear nicer clothes with a bow tie everyday. People say I'm fratty or hipster, but I assure you I'm neither.
Besides that, there's nothing really left to know about me in terms of social introductions. I'm an open book; there isn't a question you couldn't ask me that I won't answer.
So there you have it. I'm Bow Tie Chris, and this is: Behind the Bow Tie.
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