Sometimes the Best thing You can do...

          I find myself in another predicament when it comes to affairs of the heart. I have fallen hard for a woman who I was and still am under the impression has feelings for me as well. However there are extraneous circumstances for both of us that have us walking on egg shells about everything. And along with that, we both have expressed to each other in the past that we both have a fear of commitment.
          See, I met this young woman last semester and after exchanging phone numbers, we started to talk and get to know each other. We talked very consistently and it lead to forming a good friendship. Then one night we were hanging out and we kissed. BUT THAT WAS IT! Neither of us wanted to do anything or go to far and do something that would damage progressing towards something more in terms of our relationship. We were as they say, "taking things slow". Eventually the semester ended but we kept in touch. Over the holiday break, I let my feelings be known. She expressed similar feelings but also hesitancy due to history I had with some other mutual friends of ours. She did say that if that history wasn't there things would be much different. It was clear she liked me back.
          We didn't want this to damage the friendship we had though, so we still kept hanging out upon our return from break. But I think we could see our feelings for each other were persisting and we continued to subtly flirt with one another. Finally she joked about me getting her candy and flowers for Valentine's day. I laughed it off in order to lead her to believe I would not be doing this because I wanted it to be a surprise for her when I actually did. See, I figured that time was running out to change her mind on things and I saw this kind gesture as my Hail Mary pass to win or lose the game. So I went bought her roses and one of those giant Hershey bars. I put on my best suit and went to her door.
          I asked her to come outside via text and phone call. Given the day, I think she could tell I was up to something. She finally texted me back that she would not come outside and that she couldn't do this. My guess is she was looking through the peep hole and saw everything and that's how she was able to make the decision to stay inside. I told her that the flowers and Hershey bar were for her and I left them at her door for her to grab after I had gone, that way she could avoid having to interact with me which I could see she didn't want to do. Since then though, I've been so lost. Like I had grown to really care about this person. And since That day, I've just been like going through the motions and faking it till I make it. It doesn't help that I see her around in social settings and I see her talking to other guys, in fact it hurts a lot. It's just I would hang with her, and we'd look each other in the eyes and I'd think to myself, "God,  if this was the last thing I saw I would die a happy man, because this right here, her, it's all that's right in this world where so much is wrong." She brought so much happiness out of me.
          Here is where my predicament truly lies. Since the Valentines day incident I have reached out a couple times to meet up and just clear the air and have gotten nowhere. I have also heard murmurs that I wasn't given the full truth about things involving her life either. And I'm so lost, I don't know what make of it all. HOWEVER, I found out from a close mutual friend of ours that very recently a quite negative moment has entered and impacted her life. Upon hearing this, I personally hurt so much for her. I still care about her, and when I care for someone, I just want to do everything in my power to take their pain away, in her case regardless of if she no longer feels the same for me. And that's where I don't know what to do. How do I reach out to her and say that I know what's going on, that I know she's going through tough times about a very specific thing and that I'm here for her; that regardless of what of us we need to figure out, first and foremost this new development takes precedent and I will be here for you the whole step of the way in any capacity that you need me to be. How do I do this without her seeing I contacted her again and thinking god this kid won't give up. I just want her to know I'm here and will always be here even if it can only be as friend, especially as she goes through this newly trying time.
          I don't know anymore. What I do know is I only wish her the best.

Who's to say?

          From the age that I was able to understand the concept of a career as well as what types of career options were out there, I always knew what I wanted to do. I want to join the United States Navy. The dream was to work hard, make it to the academy, eventually the SEALs, and finally a longstanding career ending with me retiring as a 5 star admiral. Pretty ambitious, I know, but wanted nothing else in the world, and so I was gonna stop at nothing to get there. Unfortunately God, or whoever/whatever controls us and our world, had different plans. My senior year of high school I contracted Ulcerative Colitis, making me medically unfit for the military with no shot to appeal. I'm not going to get to involved in this incident because I have already devoted a blog post to it, which you can go back and read if you'd like.
          However, in regards to that post, I was a sophomore in college when I wrote. I was still young enough that I had time to have things figured out. There was hope. Now, I'm a second semester senior with graduation looming and I have figured anything out. Sure, I have a clear cut answer for whenever someone asks me, "What are your plans for after graduation," but I'm just faking it, really hard. You see, I have what psychology calls a "Hero's Complex" and just because my chance to fulfill in the military was unfortunately derailed, it didn't mean the complex went away. So I figured I would pursue a career in law enforcement. Preferably at the federal level, but most likely starting at a lower level to begin. And that's what I've been pushing for. The truth is though, I don't spend a day not questioning if it is the right path. That was something that never happened when the military life still seemed attainable. I would go to bed and wake up the next day feeling as confident about the decision as I did the day before.
          Here's the dilemma though, I don't know if I'm questioning things because I truly am unsure or if I'm questioning things because those who I thought would support me have questioned this and me since making the decision. See, my family is very supportive of the decision to pursue law enforcement. Some members are more vocal then others, but I know deep down that none are on board. But what makes it worse is the ones who have been more vocal, like I said a few sentences ago, have been questioning it and me so much, I just feel like I've entered that predicament of when you're in a certain environment for so long you start to be like that environment whether you want to or not. As the first sentence of this paragraph began, I don't know if I'm questioning things because I'm genuinely not sure if policing is for me, or if because I have people saying it is not for me.
          All I know is this, I'm running out of time and I just feel like I'm not going to amount to what everyone wants me to be. And I know you're probably reading this and thinking right now, "Then  just amount to what you want to be." But I just don't think it's that simple. I come from an extremely close and family oriented family. So it's not so easy to just disregard what they want and vision for you just because you're not sure if that's where you stand as well. I love them all too much for that. I can't do the whole, "I'm gonna do me, and I'll see you all later," kind of thing. But I also worry the pressures of them are becoming to much. I think one of things that has lead me to such apprehensions is the success of all of my older siblings. I'm the youngest, and I look at them, and I think, "WOW! They've made it. They still might be on the climb, but they got the momentum going and they're succeeding!" And as I say this I'm scared of becoming the family mess up. That one kid who didn't turn out as "good" as the others. And I know, again you're probably thinking, "But Chris, what is good? It's different for everyone." But there's are part of me inside that I can't put into words but it makes me want to achieve my family's vision of what's "good" for me as much as I want to achieve my vision of what's "good".
          The future is certainly out of our control. But much of it can be made at least tentatively definitive with our actions in the present. I just worry that my actions of the present have put me to far on one path that to consider or ponder another is just too late. I'm about to be given a piece a paper saying I studied a specific thing. How am I supposed to approach a job focused on something that isn't on the list of things I "specialized on in college" and convince that that's okay, you can still hire me. It's all good. I just don't know. And what makes it worse is in a way, I and everyone else never will know. Each day offers something new you can't predict. You just have to do what you can to make sure you have the tools, literally and figuratively, to tackle whatever offering that glorious new day decides to bear.

          Like all my blogs in the past I more write this just to see if anyone can relate, as well as those who can don't feel like alone in the issue either.

Let your YES MEAN YES, and your NO MEAN NO

     There's a comedian, he's one of my favorites. His name is Aziz Anzari and he is very talented at what he does. Recently, he released as a Netflix exclusive his newest special which occurred in Madison Square Garden. During this special he addressed, with a comedic spin of course, a topic we all know all too well: How to handle the situation when we like someone or vice versa. Upon beginning this topic he addresses first how others tend to embrace ourselves when feelings come into play and points out that there's three ways things can go about: (1) The person just ignores our advances and goes else where, (2) the person makes up a lie as to why they can't be with us, or (3) the person is just honest and says how they feel. After gauging the audience, he establishes that we would all prefer number three when on the receiving end of feelings. Anzari proceeded to give the same scenario, but this time with the shoe on the other foot; with ourselves as the person to make the final call or not. He presented the same 3 options of how to handle it, it was concluded that we as a society would prefer to address the person using scenario 1 or 2. He concludes the routine by posing the question: why is it when the shoe is on the other foot we like the one option, but when it's on our foot we prefer the other option.
     The answer to the question is quite simple really: FEAR! We have live in a society that has been longed dominated by the ideologies of a past that hasn't been in existence for a while. With it has come a way of doing things that you either align with or not. One of those things is feelings, specifically of the romantic type. We expect one thing when we like someone else and let them know, but do the other when the role is reversed. As I have already said, it's because of fear, specifically a type of fear known as vulnerability. WHY? Because one of the ideologies that has ruled this society since created is that vulnerability is unacceptable. It's a sign of weakness and must never be shown, but the irony of it all is that we still expect others to show it to us.
     So here we are at a crossroads as a society on how to handle how we address each other. To often I have hear both guys and gals say, "I don't know why we can't just be honest with each other on how we feel with each other!" And when I reply, "Then why don't you do something about it and step up to the plate?" They don't know how to proceed and our usually a little tongue tied which has lead me to my own question. If we all feel the same way on this issue, and we all believe we should all just say how we feel because would want and expect the same, then why don't we already. Obviously popular support is behind us. The public want each other to be honest and vulnerable, so why not as individuals do so: BE HONEST AND VULNERABLE!
     So here is my challenge to you if you have read this: If you like someone tell them, because you'd want the same. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY AND THE BIGGER MESSAGE: If someone tells you they like you, be honest with them about how you feel, because again you would want the same; you'd be up all night racking your head about if they weren't. You know you would, and I bet you, you have. I know have. So if we all ultimately want the same in social decorum specifically in this facet, it's time for all of us to step up to the plate as individuals, so that eventually we will create a movement as a COHESIVE UNIT. Think about it. That's all.

everyONE Happens for a Reason

     These last two weeks or so have been really interesting for me.  I wish to tell of them and the impact they have had in order to find out if someone can relate to me, and or inspire people to maybe see from a perspective they haven't thought of before.

      I was talking to a good friend of mine who always seems to be talking to a new girl everyday, in a completely platonic way I will note.  

     So I said to him, "Since you're just swimming in a surplus of women, how about you send one my way?!"

     He immediately responded, "You're right! What kind of woman are you into?"

     So I gave him some personality traits and he went to work.  A few days later, we crossed paths, and my friend told me to give him my phone; he had a girl’s number he wished to give me.  He proceeded to explain that she expected a call from me that day or the next because we were going out that Saturday, which coincidentally was Valentine’s Day.

     I was taken aback at first and wasn't quite sure how to approach this, but I said, sure why not.  I called her and we arranged plans for the evening out.  Finally, the day was upon us.  I put on a combination of casual dress clothes, and then added my nice suit jacket for an element of sophistication.  I don't have a car out here at school since I'm far from home, so she drove.  Straight out the gate, I could tell there was something infectious about this young woman. She was more than just looks.  I mean certainly she was physically attractive, but there was a personality to her that I had yet to experience on any other romantic outing.  She was someone who could keep up with my extroverted self, and that was nice.  I usually felt like I was out with a brick wall on past dates.

     We had arrived at the Italian restaurant that she wanted to go to, and unfortunately, given that it was Valentine’s Day, there was quite the wait, and we had no reservation.  So we got back into the car and went to this hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant.  The atmosphere was surprisingly perfect, not overwhelming or stifling.  The conversation was natural, fluid, and continuous throughout our time together.  Eventually, we finished our meals, and since we both still had some time to kill before our other plans, we went back to my place to sip some Ale 8 and talk.

     It was lovely.  She sat on one couch, I sat on the other to face her, and we ended up talking for two more hours.  I had never had such a great Valentine’s Day or night one-on-one with a woman.  Finally, the night ended and we went our separate ways.  The next day, I called her to ask her out again, and figured I could take her to the Italian restaurant where she had originally wanted to eat.  I called her and got her voicemail and left a message.  This is when we start to get into the core point of this blog post.

     During and following the night out I couldn't help but think, "This woman is amazing! And she DESERVES an amazing man!" So following that evening, I decided to start praying again; I've prayed at least one rosary every day since that night, and I'm doing better at attending mass regularly.  Also, this woman pulled my emotional strings to the point that one night while in the middle of my rosary, I broke down and cried for half an hour, and I AM NOT A CRYER (but I don't think there is anything wrong with that if you are…) I've examined my moral compass and have sought to improve its imperfections.  I've cleaned my apartment and have kept it consistently clean.  Also, I have started to keep in much better touch with my sisters.  All of the things she has inspired me to do… Because it’s not just, "Is this person the one I'm looking for?" It’s also, "Am I the person, the person I'm looking for is looking for?" I know that sounds confusing and is a bit of a mouthful, but think about it. 

     That's why I made these changes.  They weren't changes for the sake of pretending to be something I’m not for somebody else; they were changes that any person I could potentially be with would be happy to see me make.

     So as these two weeks have gone by, I have stopped feeling scared or anxious about how things will play out, and have just remained positive, and it's been great.  In fact today, that young woman and I talked, and we established that we are at different points in our lives and are looking for different things right now.  I felt great afterwards because I was no longer wondering where we were aligned, and now I had a definite answer.

     Did I get the desired result?  Yes and no.  See, I've come to learn that we have this idea that we achieve our happiness through others, and when they fall short of our expectations, that’s what leads to us feeling dissatisfied.  Yet, that’s because NO ONE can dictate our happiness except for OURSELVES, and that's what I was doing wrong!  I was operating under this belief that if I ended up with her, I'd become happy.  In reality, it's only once we are happy with ourselves, that we will then attract the positive outcome of being with someone who we can GIVE our happiness too, NOT GET it from.  Would I have liked it to be her so she could have been the one to get to experience the changes she inspired in me?  Sure.  But like I said, these are positive changes for me to share with whomever I end up, they aren't just limited to one person.

     The ultimate point I'm trying to make is everyone comes into our life for a reason.  No matter how brief their presence is they serve a purpose.  I can now clearly see what hers was.  It was to get me back on the straight and narrow, and to walk it with the most positive of attitudes.  And now when I think of her, even if just for a moment, I will still always have a great memory of that night we shared, and how kind it was of her to share it with me, as well as all of the positive changes she has inspired to make.  So, in conclusion, think of the people in your own lives, the ones still there, the ones who have come and gone, and those still to come; those with both positive and negative impacts.  Think about how they served some purpose in your life to get you to where you are now.

I DON'T LIKE TO THRIFT!

     So just moments ago, my buddy sent me a FB message with a link in it. The link was to an article about how this person bought a jacket at a thrift store for 58 cents and it turned out to be Vince Lombardi's. Naturally, given the way we put too much monetary emphasis on things belonging to people of "fame", the jacket's estimated "worth" turned out to be $20,000. After seeing this, it reminded me how I saw an article of a similar nature just last week. And then it got me thinking about something I have thought often, especially when talking to some of my closest friends, who like to thrift. The thought: I DON'T LIKE TO THRIFT!
     No, this isn't anything do with some level of pretentiousness or self-righteousness that sees it as undignified. And no, it's not because I can't handle having something that isn't brand new. Having a lot of guy cousins, I still wore plenty of hand me downs in a house of all sisters. The reason is why they exist. Think about it. The intention behind thrift stores was for those who were impoverished to have a chance to be able to buy various needs at a cheaper price due to there being used. WHICH IS GREAT!
     But then it got me thinking? Should I, an upper middle class white kid, really be thrifting? (Again, not saying because I think I'm above it) Certainly, I'm a broke college student who isn't receiving money from mommy and daddy to buy whatever goodies I want, but I know if I was in a bind and needed some essentials similar to that of what you find at a thrift store, my parents would provide. Unfortunately, there someone out there who is legitimately broke. And even worse, they may also be the provider of others. My shopping there for my own cheap thrills just seems wrong. I can't help but think everything I buy, though I may use, is something that someone else needs more and can't get it anywhere else due to cost.
     Now, this is not to say I look down on anyone financially stable that thrifts. You have all the right in the world to do so. I'll be honest, I myself have done it from time to time. It is just I think that as we as a society start to challenge more and more of the various constructs of this nation, we need to keep in mind some of the things that been put in place to help alleviate the problem and ways we might be unintentionally and unconsciously undermining. So if you are a financially stable thrifter, here are some thoughts to keep in mind next time you go:

1. Do I really NEED this, or do I just want it because it's cheap?
     Remember, for somebody it might be a NEED and still not be cheap.
2. Maybe instead of buy a lot of items because of the low cost and just buy few items.
     Don't be a item hog!
3. Remember that you are more fortunate than others, you should give more to thrift stores than you take from them.
     It's okay to get stuff from there, but maybe for every item you get, donate two items you know you'll never use again.

     I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post. I'm not trying to be judgmental or stop you from doing what you have all the right to do. I'm just trying keep everyone conscious of the other angles to something you might have missed. And hey, as I give this message, for all I know there's an angle to this that I have missed. Thanks. And it's good to be back BehindTheBowTie!

My take on #BlackLivesMatter

     I want to discuss something that has been weighing heavy on me for the past few weeks. It is certainly a sensitive topic, not just for me, but for all people right now, so I ask that you bare with me as I do my best to put pen to paper, metaphorically that is. If you would like to comment feel free, that's your right, but if you go fishing for a fight or try to chastise, understand I won't reply back, so you'll be speaking to yourself essentially, so save your breath.
     As we all know a few weeks back, the decision in Ferguson was made, and it incited a lot of mixed emotions in a lot people, as I would hope it would. If something of that magnitude hadn't struck nerves with everyone, I would think the problem even bigger. Following this, only a week ago the decision involving Garner in New York was made. Again, the decision sparked heated emotions from both sides.
     If you've made it this far and are still reading, I'm sure you are curious as to see where I am heading with all this, and wondering how this all is weighing on me. Well, I am the son of a Cop. So not only was I raised in your stereotypical white upper middle class environment where you grow up trusting the police, but I was also raised in an environment where you are almost expected to side with the police in all situations. It has almost become second nature because it been all I have ever known. Now fallowing these incidences, there's been a severe rise in hate towards police which has been hard for me to hear and just take with a grain of salt. Because my father has been a police officer for 28 years in the city of Washington, D.C. And he has worked hard to do his job while keeping the respect and dignity of all people in mind as he has worked his way up to lieutenant. And to hear these over-generalizations that all cops are racist and bad hurts, because I see it as an attack on the man who raised to be a gentleman accepting of all peoples regardless of their story.
     This however isn't really the main thing that is weighing on me, and a little more has to be explained before I can get there. Let's continue. Upon getting to college, I had only one friend to start. He was and still is my best friend since third grade. So I don't associate him as friend I gained in college. My first real best friends here college and they too still are, are all African American. And with the way things have gone these past few weeks, I can't just expect them to be alright with everything, or not to be angry, or think certain things. Plus, regardless of where they stand on all that has happened their my best friends, and I care about them, and truly believe in #BlackLivesMatter.
     This is where my dilemma lies. I haven't discussed my opinions on Ferguson or Garner, and I plan on continuing to keep my stance to myself. And part of the reason that is, is because regardless of which side I pick, I'm going to have to hurt people that mean a lot to me. If I rule in favor of the ones who lost their lives, I cause a riff between my father, my mother, my sisters. I hurt my family. But if I rule in favor of the officers, then I cause a riff between my best friends and I. The ones who have treated me like family since day one and vice versa; the ones who have always felt like I was home even when home is 8 hours away.
     So I've decided, as vaguely mentioned in the previous paragraph to take the bipartisan approach to things and not choose a side nor get in to debates on the issues. Now I know many of you might call that a cop out, and I know some of you might even say that by remaining silent and/or bipartisan that I've already picked a side and it's "the wrong one" and that's your opinion. You have the right to it. But it in my opinion is the best option. Because I love my family to death, and I was raised by them to accept and respect and love all people. But I also love my best friends, and I can't not look at them and think #BlackLivesMatter, because they do. We have had some great times, and I hope we have many more. But in order to keep the peace for both sides of my life, this is where I'm at.
     So that's that, and I needed to get that off my chest. Sorry if you disagree or even hate me now. That's your right. But so is the approach I have taken.

I'm Sorry I can't be Perfect! (Angsty Simple Plan lyric reference)

     I was sitting talking with a friend the other day and they asked me if I still had my blog because it had been so long since I posted. I told them I did, but that I was still working on collecting the various thoughts in my head before I attempted to write on them. Which was the case, but I have also just been so busy and stressed that my blog has unfortunately taken a backseat in my life. But since she brought it up, I felt motivate to get it going again. So I want to talk about something that's been bothering me which may be bothering you to.
     I am SCARED of being a failure, specifically in the eyes of my parents, and in the context of being compared to my siblings. I think this fear is common amongst young adults from big families, but certainly not limited to such a characteristic. I come from a family of six. Two parents, three sisters (all older), and then me. Being the baby of a family that is successful at least in the eyes of the social constructed belief of success and my parents who believe this construct, I am scared I won't live up to par. The construct being that you have a job, are financially stable or on your way to being so, and live an upper-middle class lifestyle
     All my sisters prime examples of strong independent women who have beaten societal restrictions of their gender and made something of themselves, and I am so proud of them, as our my parents. But I look at all that they have done, and I think, how the hell do I live up to that; no way that I could. And my parents have been and will continue to be so involved in my life, that I fear I might subconsciously think I NEED their approval and/or acceptance for how my life turns out, and if I don't get it, I will feel like I failed. AND I DON'T WANT THAT FEELING!
     And I know some of you reading this our thinking, "But Chris, there's more to life and happiness than money." And you are correct. But like I said, with how involve in my life my parents our, there perception of how I turn out is has a big impact on my perception, and unfortunately, I feel like with my father at least, that my "financial success" is one of the required criteria on the rubric.
     All this worry and pressure that I feel has lead me to be really stressed. I find the smallest of hiccups in my life to be bigger than they really are and to be the start of a downfall I won't come back from. I know this is crazy and I need to stop beating myself up, but it is hard for me. Anyway, I really wanted to get this out, so that if someone else is feeling this way, they know that they are not alone. So that's all for this blog. Thanks.