I want to discuss something that has been weighing heavy on me for the past few weeks. It is certainly a sensitive topic, not just for me, but for all people right now, so I ask that you bare with me as I do my best to put pen to paper, metaphorically that is. If you would like to comment feel free, that's your right, but if you go fishing for a fight or try to chastise, understand I won't reply back, so you'll be speaking to yourself essentially, so save your breath.
As we all know a few weeks back, the decision in Ferguson was made, and it incited a lot of mixed emotions in a lot people, as I would hope it would. If something of that magnitude hadn't struck nerves with everyone, I would think the problem even bigger. Following this, only a week ago the decision involving Garner in New York was made. Again, the decision sparked heated emotions from both sides.
If you've made it this far and are still reading, I'm sure you are curious as to see where I am heading with all this, and wondering how this all is weighing on me. Well, I am the son of a Cop. So not only was I raised in your stereotypical white upper middle class environment where you grow up trusting the police, but I was also raised in an environment where you are almost expected to side with the police in all situations. It has almost become second nature because it been all I have ever known. Now fallowing these incidences, there's been a severe rise in hate towards police which has been hard for me to hear and just take with a grain of salt. Because my father has been a police officer for 28 years in the city of Washington, D.C. And he has worked hard to do his job while keeping the respect and dignity of all people in mind as he has worked his way up to lieutenant. And to hear these over-generalizations that all cops are racist and bad hurts, because I see it as an attack on the man who raised to be a gentleman accepting of all peoples regardless of their story.
This however isn't really the main thing that is weighing on me, and a little more has to be explained before I can get there. Let's continue. Upon getting to college, I had only one friend to start. He was and still is my best friend since third grade. So I don't associate him as friend I gained in college. My first real best friends here college and they too still are, are all African American. And with the way things have gone these past few weeks, I can't just expect them to be alright with everything, or not to be angry, or think certain things. Plus, regardless of where they stand on all that has happened their my best friends, and I care about them, and truly believe in #BlackLivesMatter.
This is where my dilemma lies. I haven't discussed my opinions on Ferguson or Garner, and I plan on continuing to keep my stance to myself. And part of the reason that is, is because regardless of which side I pick, I'm going to have to hurt people that mean a lot to me. If I rule in favor of the ones who lost their lives, I cause a riff between my father, my mother, my sisters. I hurt my family. But if I rule in favor of the officers, then I cause a riff between my best friends and I. The ones who have treated me like family since day one and vice versa; the ones who have always felt like I was home even when home is 8 hours away.
So I've decided, as vaguely mentioned in the previous paragraph to take the bipartisan approach to things and not choose a side nor get in to debates on the issues. Now I know many of you might call that a cop out, and I know some of you might even say that by remaining silent and/or bipartisan that I've already picked a side and it's "the wrong one" and that's your opinion. You have the right to it. But it in my opinion is the best option. Because I love my family to death, and I was raised by them to accept and respect and love all people. But I also love my best friends, and I can't not look at them and think #BlackLivesMatter, because they do. We have had some great times, and I hope we have many more. But in order to keep the peace for both sides of my life, this is where I'm at.
So that's that, and I needed to get that off my chest. Sorry if you disagree or even hate me now. That's your right. But so is the approach I have taken.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
I'm Sorry I can't be Perfect! (Angsty Simple Plan lyric reference)
I was sitting talking with a friend the other day and they asked me if I still had my blog because it had been so long since I posted. I told them I did, but that I was still working on collecting the various thoughts in my head before I attempted to write on them. Which was the case, but I have also just been so busy and stressed that my blog has unfortunately taken a backseat in my life. But since she brought it up, I felt motivate to get it going again. So I want to talk about something that's been bothering me which may be bothering you to.
I am SCARED of being a failure, specifically in the eyes of my parents, and in the context of being compared to my siblings. I think this fear is common amongst young adults from big families, but certainly not limited to such a characteristic. I come from a family of six. Two parents, three sisters (all older), and then me. Being the baby of a family that is successful at least in the eyes of the social constructed belief of success and my parents who believe this construct, I am scared I won't live up to par. The construct being that you have a job, are financially stable or on your way to being so, and live an upper-middle class lifestyle
All my sisters prime examples of strong independent women who have beaten societal restrictions of their gender and made something of themselves, and I am so proud of them, as our my parents. But I look at all that they have done, and I think, how the hell do I live up to that; no way that I could. And my parents have been and will continue to be so involved in my life, that I fear I might subconsciously think I NEED their approval and/or acceptance for how my life turns out, and if I don't get it, I will feel like I failed. AND I DON'T WANT THAT FEELING!
And I know some of you reading this our thinking, "But Chris, there's more to life and happiness than money." And you are correct. But like I said, with how involve in my life my parents our, there perception of how I turn out is has a big impact on my perception, and unfortunately, I feel like with my father at least, that my "financial success" is one of the required criteria on the rubric.
All this worry and pressure that I feel has lead me to be really stressed. I find the smallest of hiccups in my life to be bigger than they really are and to be the start of a downfall I won't come back from. I know this is crazy and I need to stop beating myself up, but it is hard for me. Anyway, I really wanted to get this out, so that if someone else is feeling this way, they know that they are not alone. So that's all for this blog. Thanks.
I am SCARED of being a failure, specifically in the eyes of my parents, and in the context of being compared to my siblings. I think this fear is common amongst young adults from big families, but certainly not limited to such a characteristic. I come from a family of six. Two parents, three sisters (all older), and then me. Being the baby of a family that is successful at least in the eyes of the social constructed belief of success and my parents who believe this construct, I am scared I won't live up to par. The construct being that you have a job, are financially stable or on your way to being so, and live an upper-middle class lifestyle
All my sisters prime examples of strong independent women who have beaten societal restrictions of their gender and made something of themselves, and I am so proud of them, as our my parents. But I look at all that they have done, and I think, how the hell do I live up to that; no way that I could. And my parents have been and will continue to be so involved in my life, that I fear I might subconsciously think I NEED their approval and/or acceptance for how my life turns out, and if I don't get it, I will feel like I failed. AND I DON'T WANT THAT FEELING!
And I know some of you reading this our thinking, "But Chris, there's more to life and happiness than money." And you are correct. But like I said, with how involve in my life my parents our, there perception of how I turn out is has a big impact on my perception, and unfortunately, I feel like with my father at least, that my "financial success" is one of the required criteria on the rubric.
All this worry and pressure that I feel has lead me to be really stressed. I find the smallest of hiccups in my life to be bigger than they really are and to be the start of a downfall I won't come back from. I know this is crazy and I need to stop beating myself up, but it is hard for me. Anyway, I really wanted to get this out, so that if someone else is feeling this way, they know that they are not alone. So that's all for this blog. Thanks.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
We've Lost Sight of What Matters
So early this morning, I sent a text to most of my family members saying, "Just texting to say, I love you. I don't say that enough." Because well, unfortunately it's true, I really don't say it enough. But I noticed this was seen by those I sent it too and that they are in the same boat all based of their responses.
You see, a couple texted me back, "Is everything alright?" Which everything was. But why did they think something is wrong? Because, WE DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO THOSE WHO MATTER TO US AND DESERVE IT.
This shouldn't be the case. We shouldn't have let something like saying I love you take such a backseat in our lives that when ourself or someone else says it, the first thought is somethings wrong. And yes I know, this isn't the case EVERY TIME but it is the case more than it should be.
So I encourage you if you read this post, TELL THE ONES THAT MATTERS THAT YOU LOVE THEM! It means more than I think we sometimes realize.
You see, a couple texted me back, "Is everything alright?" Which everything was. But why did they think something is wrong? Because, WE DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO THOSE WHO MATTER TO US AND DESERVE IT.
This shouldn't be the case. We shouldn't have let something like saying I love you take such a backseat in our lives that when ourself or someone else says it, the first thought is somethings wrong. And yes I know, this isn't the case EVERY TIME but it is the case more than it should be.
So I encourage you if you read this post, TELL THE ONES THAT MATTERS THAT YOU LOVE THEM! It means more than I think we sometimes realize.
Monday, September 22, 2014
I HAVE THE HARDEST MAJOR...said everybody ever
Since getting into college a couple of years of go, I've noticed a theme. A silent competition amongst students to convince everyone else that they have the hardest major. The arguments are the same regardless of major, too; course load, amount of time required outside of class, etc.
First off, everybody's major can be deemed the hardest major, it's all about perspective. But I believe people are missing the point, whether you have the hardest major or not DOESN'T MATTER! You know what matters? Doing everything you can to be the best you can be within that major, and then taking all that you learned and then doing everything you can to change the world and make it a better place. Now that, (pause for dramatic effect) is the hardest major.
I'm majoring in changing the world. How about you?
First off, everybody's major can be deemed the hardest major, it's all about perspective. But I believe people are missing the point, whether you have the hardest major or not DOESN'T MATTER! You know what matters? Doing everything you can to be the best you can be within that major, and then taking all that you learned and then doing everything you can to change the world and make it a better place. Now that, (pause for dramatic effect) is the hardest major.
I'm majoring in changing the world. How about you?
Sunday, September 7, 2014
It is in Giving that You Receive
So these past few weeks, I have been feeling a lot like the character Job. Things just haven't been going my way, and it's been on thing after another. Each day, I try to remain optimistic and say this where things turn for the better, and then some new b.s. happens. But a few days ago, there was a moment. Just a brief moment, but it made my smile the purest, most genuine, most happy smile and made me the happiest I've been since I left home.
I was sitting in one of the school cafeterias enjoying lunch with some of my fraternity brothers. Every week we do this to keep brotherhood up, which is great. While we sitting there I saw a lady. Now, this lady I had had an encounter with the day before; she works at the school print shop, and when I went to it, she had seemed kind of mean and abrasive towards me, but I kept composed the whole time. Well this new day that I was seeing her, she was leaving from the check out area with a water, and some watermelon cubes to enjoy for lunch/a snack. Then it happened, she dropped her watermelon.
I could see in her eyes and body language how deflated she had become. She looked so sad, but even more so, SO EXHAUSTED! And then it hit me. This lady probably has the hardest day everyday. She has to deal with college students coming in everyday to print stuff. They probably give her attitude, and slow up the progress of the print shop and she's left having to fix it all.
So distraught from dropping her watermelon, she just left it all on the floor and peaced out. Back to the print shop, she went. That's when I made my move. I hopped up from the table where I was sitting and made a dash back into the cafeteria and rounded up some more watermelon cubes, paid the cashier lady, and made a dash to the print shop (luckily in the same building as the cafeteria). There she was sitting at her desk, flustered and un-expecting of me and what I was about to do. I walked up to desk, gestured the watermelon towards her, and said excuse me miss, but I saw you drop your watermelon, here's some new ones.
She looked so overwhelmed with gratitude and relief. She couldn't stop thanking me or telling me how kind I am. I thought her reaction was a bit of an over zealous one for what I figured to be just a very small favor I was doing. But she saw otherwise. For her, I was acknowledging the hard day she goes through everyday and saying THANK YOU!
So why am I telling you, the reader, this? It's not to brag or get more people telling me I'm kind. I could care less. I was raised to consider even the jobs and tasks that aren't thankless as thankless and just to do everything right because it's the right thing to do. I TELL YOU THIS BECAUSE, here I was, day after day, frustrated and after doing this, none of my problems and b.s. seemed to phase me. I was reminded that I'M NOT THE ONLY GUY WITH PROBLEMS! And while no one person and there problems is more important then another, it's sometimes better to forget yours for a moment and acknowledge someone else's. Following what I did, I couldn't help but be happy for the rest of the day. My bike's back tire got a hole later that day and went flat, and I didn't care. I smiled and said, so what. I'm alive. I was too happy from helping someone else. SO I THINK YOU SHOULD HELP TOO! I mean sure results may vary as they say in the fine print, but I assure you, if you help others, the type of happiness you feel is all that will vary, NOT THE DEGREE!
I was sitting in one of the school cafeterias enjoying lunch with some of my fraternity brothers. Every week we do this to keep brotherhood up, which is great. While we sitting there I saw a lady. Now, this lady I had had an encounter with the day before; she works at the school print shop, and when I went to it, she had seemed kind of mean and abrasive towards me, but I kept composed the whole time. Well this new day that I was seeing her, she was leaving from the check out area with a water, and some watermelon cubes to enjoy for lunch/a snack. Then it happened, she dropped her watermelon.
I could see in her eyes and body language how deflated she had become. She looked so sad, but even more so, SO EXHAUSTED! And then it hit me. This lady probably has the hardest day everyday. She has to deal with college students coming in everyday to print stuff. They probably give her attitude, and slow up the progress of the print shop and she's left having to fix it all.
So distraught from dropping her watermelon, she just left it all on the floor and peaced out. Back to the print shop, she went. That's when I made my move. I hopped up from the table where I was sitting and made a dash back into the cafeteria and rounded up some more watermelon cubes, paid the cashier lady, and made a dash to the print shop (luckily in the same building as the cafeteria). There she was sitting at her desk, flustered and un-expecting of me and what I was about to do. I walked up to desk, gestured the watermelon towards her, and said excuse me miss, but I saw you drop your watermelon, here's some new ones.
She looked so overwhelmed with gratitude and relief. She couldn't stop thanking me or telling me how kind I am. I thought her reaction was a bit of an over zealous one for what I figured to be just a very small favor I was doing. But she saw otherwise. For her, I was acknowledging the hard day she goes through everyday and saying THANK YOU!
So why am I telling you, the reader, this? It's not to brag or get more people telling me I'm kind. I could care less. I was raised to consider even the jobs and tasks that aren't thankless as thankless and just to do everything right because it's the right thing to do. I TELL YOU THIS BECAUSE, here I was, day after day, frustrated and after doing this, none of my problems and b.s. seemed to phase me. I was reminded that I'M NOT THE ONLY GUY WITH PROBLEMS! And while no one person and there problems is more important then another, it's sometimes better to forget yours for a moment and acknowledge someone else's. Following what I did, I couldn't help but be happy for the rest of the day. My bike's back tire got a hole later that day and went flat, and I didn't care. I smiled and said, so what. I'm alive. I was too happy from helping someone else. SO I THINK YOU SHOULD HELP TOO! I mean sure results may vary as they say in the fine print, but I assure you, if you help others, the type of happiness you feel is all that will vary, NOT THE DEGREE!
Monday, September 1, 2014
Shakin' Hands and Kissin' Babies
When I started this blog, I created it for me. I made it as a way for me to express my thoughts, beliefs, and opinions and get them out for me to better examine them if you will. That's why there can be long gaps from one post to the next. But I went with the idea of a blog and making all this stuff public, because I figured at least one person has to feel the way I feel (that person varying) each time I make a new post, so I wanted them by reading each post to know they aren't alone. All that being said, as much as this blog was and still is for me, I've received a lot of positive feedback and a lot of support, including a lot from people whom I don't really keep in touch with, but they still came across the blog. Because so, I think to extent this has become kind of my readers' blog as well and I want this writer/reader relationship to be a two way street; interactive, you know.
So here's what I was thinking:
If you ever read my blog and if you come across this post, here's what I'd like you to do, hit me up via Facebook (or however you get to my blog) and tell me something going on in your life for me to acknowledge. It can be good or bad, I don't care, I wanna show my support back to you. If you want, you can private message it as well. I just feel that I've been given so much through this blog via my readers, that I want to give back. So please, actually do this. LET'S TALK!
P.S. I apologize if I don't get back to you immediately, if this blog's purpose is actually served, than I'm hoping for a lot of responses, and so it's gonna take some time, BUT don't let that stop you from hitting me up.
So here's what I was thinking:
If you ever read my blog and if you come across this post, here's what I'd like you to do, hit me up via Facebook (or however you get to my blog) and tell me something going on in your life for me to acknowledge. It can be good or bad, I don't care, I wanna show my support back to you. If you want, you can private message it as well. I just feel that I've been given so much through this blog via my readers, that I want to give back. So please, actually do this. LET'S TALK!
P.S. I apologize if I don't get back to you immediately, if this blog's purpose is actually served, than I'm hoping for a lot of responses, and so it's gonna take some time, BUT don't let that stop you from hitting me up.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
If you Liked it, you Should've Put a Ring on it
So yesterday I attended a wedding for my cousin. This was the second wedding I have been to this summer and with being to two so close together, it got me thinking about a memory I have and the thoughts I have with it.
I was at my aunt's and uncle's house for some family function. I was a freshman in high school at the most. We were on the deck and I was talking to my aunt. I forget how we got onto the topic but we were discussing the wearing of wedding bands. She had made a statement about how she had never removed her wedding band since the day she put it on at the altar and same with my uncle. I learned same was the case for my parents as well. She went on to say she would be heartbroken if he ever did remove his. I asked her why, and she because if he did she would think he didn't love her anymore.
Upon hearing this my first thought was your crazy and that though is crazy too. I was thinking there has to be moments where its okay to remove your wedding band in order to preserve it while doing something with their hands. I was like, my aunt is psychotic.
Now im about to be a junior in college, and I realize this outlook and way of living arent isn't crazy. It's CRAZY BEAUTIFUL! I see that love behind such a thought process and I want that too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the married couples who do remove their bands to preserve at certain moments love each other less, I'm just saying I see now, I want the fist.
I want to fall in love with a girl and when we put those rings on that day we wed, I want for us to never take them off. I want to be married 25+ years and look down at my hand, with each passing year, see the scratches accumulate on that band, and know that everything I did to put those scratches on the band she was there with me in spirit at the least, because I never took it off.
This isn't for everybody, I know. AND THAT'S OKAY! I already said, if you take it off at moments, within reason, doesn't mean you love less. It is all good. I just know that I want that crazy beautiful love and I hope to find a girl who feels and wants the same. And I'm sure I will, because if I feel she's the one, she's obviously everything I want in the way she thinks and acts and vice versa.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
A New and Visible Hand of God
It's World Cup fever across the world again, and I LOVE IT! With all the excitement from the games, I was inspired to blog about an incident from the 2010 FIFA World Cup that has continued to bother me into this one. The incident: Luis Suárez hand-ball in Uruguay's match against Ghana.
With not much time left in the game, there was a scramble for the ball in Uruguay's penalty box, and the Uruguay goalie got caught off his line. A player for Ghana came up with the ball at about the same time and ripped a shot on line to score and give Ghana a go-ahead goal. Uruguayan forward, Luis Suárez was the only player in a position to stop the ball from going in, BUT the only way he could do, which was the he did it, was use his hands. A BIG NO-NO in soccer if you aren't the goalie. The punishment for a deliberate hand-ball is a red-card, which he was given. On top of that, it was a penalty in the penalty box, which meant a penalty kick for Ghana. The Ghana player missed the penalty kick, and Uruguay would go on to win the game in penalty kicks.
It's not this in game sequence that bothers me. It is the subsequent/post-game reaction from much of the world that bothers me. Following the game, people were demanding fines, suspensions, and banishment for Luis Suárez, and that's just right! Think of if this way, when a basketball team is down by a little, with not enough time in the game, what do they do to hopefully get back into the game? They foul. They stop the clock and force the other team to make their free throws. If the plan goes accordingly, the losing team get's back in it. What Suárez did was not different. It was a play equivalent to that of the intentional foul in basketball.
To take it step further, examination of punishment must happen too. In basketball, when you foul, the punishment is the proper level of punishment in the form a foul is added to the player's stat sheet for the game. Following this it's up to the other team to make their free throws and it's not their opponents fault if they can't, nor should the be demonized for it. Same goes for this incident in the world cup. The penalty for a deliberate hand-ball is red card. Suárez received a red card. The penalty for a penalty committed in the penalty box is a penalty kick. Ghana was granted a penalty kick. ALL THE NECESSARY AND SUFFICIENT punishments were doled out. From there, it was up to Ghana to make the penalty kick and it's not Suárez or Uruguay's fault the player chose to take the kick could seal the deal.
Also, and it's unfortunate to say this, but I think part of the criticism resulted from Ghana being the last African team in the World Cup. NOW HOLD ON and let me explain what I mean before you say I'm a racist. What I mean is, the 2010 FIFA World Cup was held on the continent of Africa in the country of South Africa. With Ghana being the last team/country from the continent in it, and having gone so far, they kind of became the cup's cinderella team and the continent and a lot of the world rallied behind them. So when incidents played out the way they did, I think bitter continental nationalism and world-wide disgust took-over and people spoke before they thought. Which made the issue unfortunate.
But the facts don't lie. What Suárez did was wrong, but he received the proper punishment and nothing more was necessary thought it was being asked for by the rest of the world. It's unfortunate Ghana couldn't pull it out, but that's on them, not on Suárez.
With not much time left in the game, there was a scramble for the ball in Uruguay's penalty box, and the Uruguay goalie got caught off his line. A player for Ghana came up with the ball at about the same time and ripped a shot on line to score and give Ghana a go-ahead goal. Uruguayan forward, Luis Suárez was the only player in a position to stop the ball from going in, BUT the only way he could do, which was the he did it, was use his hands. A BIG NO-NO in soccer if you aren't the goalie. The punishment for a deliberate hand-ball is a red-card, which he was given. On top of that, it was a penalty in the penalty box, which meant a penalty kick for Ghana. The Ghana player missed the penalty kick, and Uruguay would go on to win the game in penalty kicks.
It's not this in game sequence that bothers me. It is the subsequent/post-game reaction from much of the world that bothers me. Following the game, people were demanding fines, suspensions, and banishment for Luis Suárez, and that's just right! Think of if this way, when a basketball team is down by a little, with not enough time in the game, what do they do to hopefully get back into the game? They foul. They stop the clock and force the other team to make their free throws. If the plan goes accordingly, the losing team get's back in it. What Suárez did was not different. It was a play equivalent to that of the intentional foul in basketball.
To take it step further, examination of punishment must happen too. In basketball, when you foul, the punishment is the proper level of punishment in the form a foul is added to the player's stat sheet for the game. Following this it's up to the other team to make their free throws and it's not their opponents fault if they can't, nor should the be demonized for it. Same goes for this incident in the world cup. The penalty for a deliberate hand-ball is red card. Suárez received a red card. The penalty for a penalty committed in the penalty box is a penalty kick. Ghana was granted a penalty kick. ALL THE NECESSARY AND SUFFICIENT punishments were doled out. From there, it was up to Ghana to make the penalty kick and it's not Suárez or Uruguay's fault the player chose to take the kick could seal the deal.
Also, and it's unfortunate to say this, but I think part of the criticism resulted from Ghana being the last African team in the World Cup. NOW HOLD ON and let me explain what I mean before you say I'm a racist. What I mean is, the 2010 FIFA World Cup was held on the continent of Africa in the country of South Africa. With Ghana being the last team/country from the continent in it, and having gone so far, they kind of became the cup's cinderella team and the continent and a lot of the world rallied behind them. So when incidents played out the way they did, I think bitter continental nationalism and world-wide disgust took-over and people spoke before they thought. Which made the issue unfortunate.
But the facts don't lie. What Suárez did was wrong, but he received the proper punishment and nothing more was necessary thought it was being asked for by the rest of the world. It's unfortunate Ghana couldn't pull it out, but that's on them, not on Suárez.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Thank You!
This post is written for a simple post, and that is to thank any and everybody who has read and/or supported my blog and me. I created this blog to be kind of like a diary for me get my personal thoughts from mind to theoretical paper. Though I know some of the stuff I write can be very personal and/or sensitive to both myself and others, I wanted it to be open so that others may see it and relate. So no one would feel alone, myself included.
Since I made the blog I have received a consistent amount of feed which lets me know my intentions and goals for this blog have been continuously met. So to everyone who reads, THANK YOU SO MUCH! This blog really would not be what I wanted it to be without all of you. And I'm not just saying that. I truly mean it. This one is to you, reader! THANK YOU!
Since I made the blog I have received a consistent amount of feed which lets me know my intentions and goals for this blog have been continuously met. So to everyone who reads, THANK YOU SO MUCH! This blog really would not be what I wanted it to be without all of you. And I'm not just saying that. I truly mean it. This one is to you, reader! THANK YOU!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
I think I'm gonna marry you...
This blog post is going to be brief, but I figured I say this in a blog, than in a Facebook status post. It just feels like the better way.
I was talking with a friend one day; we were catching up on what was new with each other because we were very close, but had grown apart with school. As we were talking they mentioned that they could see themself marrying the person they were dating. They started this revelation off with a phrase along the lines of, "I know you might think I'm crazy when I say this..." And I was so happy they did, BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT CRAZY FOR THINKING THIS!
We're college students. And granted we should live in them moment, because we only get 4 (or 5) years, but aside from our peers, every other person in our life due in relation to college is always saying the same thing, think about what you want to do after school and figure it out. But the minute a college kid brings up marriage and a family and things like that, the masses tend to say something like, you got time figure that out later.
IF as a college student I'm expected to be using my time at school to figure out what I'm supposed to do economically, then I reserve the right to figure out what I would like socially as well without being considered crazy. A career is a lifetime thing. A marriage and family tends to be the same. So my friend isn't crazy. You're using college to prepare for life as an adult and that includes the social aspects as well. If your someone who dates for the long hall, then I think you should be considering if you could see yourself marrying them and having a family and also find out there stances too. It's just as big of a deal as figuring what you're going to do financially as well.
I've always struggled trying to put my thoughts to words whether verbally or written, and I can tell as I write this post, it's no different, so I'm going to try and surmise more concisely what I'm saying. If you're in college and you're thinking about marriage and a family, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY for having these things on your list of important things to figure out while at college. If all the other aspects of your future are expected to be considered while there, those of marriage and a family hold just as much weight.
I was talking with a friend one day; we were catching up on what was new with each other because we were very close, but had grown apart with school. As we were talking they mentioned that they could see themself marrying the person they were dating. They started this revelation off with a phrase along the lines of, "I know you might think I'm crazy when I say this..." And I was so happy they did, BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT CRAZY FOR THINKING THIS!
We're college students. And granted we should live in them moment, because we only get 4 (or 5) years, but aside from our peers, every other person in our life due in relation to college is always saying the same thing, think about what you want to do after school and figure it out. But the minute a college kid brings up marriage and a family and things like that, the masses tend to say something like, you got time figure that out later.
IF as a college student I'm expected to be using my time at school to figure out what I'm supposed to do economically, then I reserve the right to figure out what I would like socially as well without being considered crazy. A career is a lifetime thing. A marriage and family tends to be the same. So my friend isn't crazy. You're using college to prepare for life as an adult and that includes the social aspects as well. If your someone who dates for the long hall, then I think you should be considering if you could see yourself marrying them and having a family and also find out there stances too. It's just as big of a deal as figuring what you're going to do financially as well.
I've always struggled trying to put my thoughts to words whether verbally or written, and I can tell as I write this post, it's no different, so I'm going to try and surmise more concisely what I'm saying. If you're in college and you're thinking about marriage and a family, YOU ARE NOT CRAZY for having these things on your list of important things to figure out while at college. If all the other aspects of your future are expected to be considered while there, those of marriage and a family hold just as much weight.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
A One Way Goodbye
I'm not writing this post for attention and/or likes in the form of sympathy. I'm writing this blog because I have to get this off my chest and release the pressure build up that's inside of me.
I am currently at home packing to return to school from easter break for my last two weeks of sophomore year. Being home is always a great thing for me to experience in my opinion. I love my family to death. Unfortunately I this break took a sour turn 3 days in. Sometime between the 11 pm hour of this past Friday (4/18/14) and the 7 am hour of this past Saturday (4/19/14), my grandmother suffered a massive stroke. Unfortunately, we didn't get the results of how bad the stroke actually was until this morning, Easter Sunday (4/20/14), when the test results came back and my parents had a chance to speak with the doctor.
Since finding her post-stroke, she has been stable, but unresponsive. She is unfortunately from here on out brain dead and now we must wait until her relatively healthy body, for someone her age, depreciates to where her mind now is. The doctors said that all we can do now is just make her as comfortable as possible as we wait for her to move on.
Here's where my blog title gains more relevance though. It was our year in the family to hold Easter at our house for all of the relatives. We didn't want to not still do that, especially given the short notice, so my sisters and I did our best to play host today while my parents were at the hospital. Fortunately, they were able to leave for a while and spend sometime with us, and the rest of the family, celebrating easter. Given it was a celebration, everyone was drinking, my parents included. So my dad asked if I would be his and my mother's D.D. back to the hospital. Of course I said yes and did so. When my mother became aware that I was taking them back, she said "Oh good, it'll give you a chance to say goodbye before you go back to school".
And that's when it hit me. This was GOODBYE FOREVER. It hadn't really sunk in until she said anything and then it really sunk in once we got the hospital, and realized that once I said goodbye, there would be no reply. The hardest goodbye is a one way one. Now here I am packing my stuff for school and dabbling in the blog post and can't get it out of my mind: sometime in the next week or so while at school, my phone is going to ring, and it's going to be a family member on the other line, probably my father, and they're going to say, "You're grandmother is gone." How does one clear their head from such an inevitable thing. I know it's going to happen, but I can prepare for it, and yeah I said goodbye, but it lacked such closure and felt so forced. You can never prepare this part of life, even when you know any day could be your last or the last for someone else you love.
DON'T EVER TAKE GOODBYE FOR GRANTED!
I am currently at home packing to return to school from easter break for my last two weeks of sophomore year. Being home is always a great thing for me to experience in my opinion. I love my family to death. Unfortunately I this break took a sour turn 3 days in. Sometime between the 11 pm hour of this past Friday (4/18/14) and the 7 am hour of this past Saturday (4/19/14), my grandmother suffered a massive stroke. Unfortunately, we didn't get the results of how bad the stroke actually was until this morning, Easter Sunday (4/20/14), when the test results came back and my parents had a chance to speak with the doctor.
Since finding her post-stroke, she has been stable, but unresponsive. She is unfortunately from here on out brain dead and now we must wait until her relatively healthy body, for someone her age, depreciates to where her mind now is. The doctors said that all we can do now is just make her as comfortable as possible as we wait for her to move on.
Here's where my blog title gains more relevance though. It was our year in the family to hold Easter at our house for all of the relatives. We didn't want to not still do that, especially given the short notice, so my sisters and I did our best to play host today while my parents were at the hospital. Fortunately, they were able to leave for a while and spend sometime with us, and the rest of the family, celebrating easter. Given it was a celebration, everyone was drinking, my parents included. So my dad asked if I would be his and my mother's D.D. back to the hospital. Of course I said yes and did so. When my mother became aware that I was taking them back, she said "Oh good, it'll give you a chance to say goodbye before you go back to school".
And that's when it hit me. This was GOODBYE FOREVER. It hadn't really sunk in until she said anything and then it really sunk in once we got the hospital, and realized that once I said goodbye, there would be no reply. The hardest goodbye is a one way one. Now here I am packing my stuff for school and dabbling in the blog post and can't get it out of my mind: sometime in the next week or so while at school, my phone is going to ring, and it's going to be a family member on the other line, probably my father, and they're going to say, "You're grandmother is gone." How does one clear their head from such an inevitable thing. I know it's going to happen, but I can prepare for it, and yeah I said goodbye, but it lacked such closure and felt so forced. You can never prepare this part of life, even when you know any day could be your last or the last for someone else you love.
DON'T EVER TAKE GOODBYE FOR GRANTED!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
I Feel for Judas
With less then a week until Easter, as a Catholic, we refer to this week as Holy Week. To kick the week off with Palm Sunday. Every year during Palm Sunday Mass, like clockwork, the gospel is the story of Christ's Passion. Within this gospel every year, Judas, the man and Apostle who betrayed Jesus, really gets crapped on in the writings. And every year, I think to myself, "Am I the only one who thinks Judas got screwed?" But upon thinking about this, it raises a bigger question, at least for Christians, specifically Catholics, and that is: Does free will actually exist.
You see as Catholics, we believe God is all knowing, which includes knowing everything you will do before you do. This was no different then Judas. Think about it though, this means God knew Judas was going to do what he did before he was even born. And if Judas didn't do what he did, then Jesus would have never died for our sins and open the gates of heaven to us. But Judas couldn't change what God already knew. He was destined to do what hid whether he wanted to or not.
Don't get me wrong. This is a very a hard topic to tackle, and I am hardly the one to tackle. This post is more just me wrestling with the idea in my own mind, but allowing others to see it, so they can help understand. Because I'd really like to believe in free will, and that even though God knows what I'm going to do before I do it, that it was still my decision. It's just, the way they word the gospels, it's really hard not to feel for Judas, and think, "This poor guy never stood a chance."
If you read this post, feel free to comment about what's your take on free will and/or if you think Judas stood a chance. Just remember, I'm not writing this blog to fight, challenge or offend anyone, so if you do respond, do not get defensive and abrasive with me. Thanks.
You see as Catholics, we believe God is all knowing, which includes knowing everything you will do before you do. This was no different then Judas. Think about it though, this means God knew Judas was going to do what he did before he was even born. And if Judas didn't do what he did, then Jesus would have never died for our sins and open the gates of heaven to us. But Judas couldn't change what God already knew. He was destined to do what hid whether he wanted to or not.
Don't get me wrong. This is a very a hard topic to tackle, and I am hardly the one to tackle. This post is more just me wrestling with the idea in my own mind, but allowing others to see it, so they can help understand. Because I'd really like to believe in free will, and that even though God knows what I'm going to do before I do it, that it was still my decision. It's just, the way they word the gospels, it's really hard not to feel for Judas, and think, "This poor guy never stood a chance."
If you read this post, feel free to comment about what's your take on free will and/or if you think Judas stood a chance. Just remember, I'm not writing this blog to fight, challenge or offend anyone, so if you do respond, do not get defensive and abrasive with me. Thanks.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Christian Title: The Lord Works in Mysterious Ways / Spiritual/Atheist Title: Funny How Life Works
Something that has been on my mind many times before upon learning, has popped into my head again, and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the thought, and feel compelled to blog about it to clear my head. I hope I do the topic justice without over stepping any lines.
I grew up in a family with three older sisters and no brothers. (The baby boy, the pride and joy) I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but just to be safe I'll say it now to set-up my post for today. Because of the family dynamic, I will always be out numbered, and I will never be in a position of authority within the family. Growing up like this, I always wanted brothers to even things out. So, I would ask my mom, "Please have one more baby! Twin boys!" As you can see from the statement, I had no concept of pregnancy since I thought a singular baby could be more than one actually, but hey, I was young cut me some slack. But hears where the story gets interesting.
It was last year, in the earlier half of Christmas break. All six of us, my parents, sisters, and I, were in the living room enjoying each others company since we were all under the same roof again for break. Minus my mom, we're all night owls in my family, so it was late, but she powered through and stayed up and we all just talked and I just kind of sat back and enjoyed seeing the conversation topic bounce around the way it always does with us, until during one topic, some startling information was revealed to me through just regular conversation. The topic was pregnancy and miscarriages. I found out that before my mom had my third sister and I, she was pregnant with twins, but unfortunately/sadly had suffered a miscarriage. SO MANY THOUGHTS WERE GOING THROUGH MY HEAD.
First, all the times I had asked my mom for twins, and she actually almost did. But it would have been before me, and most likely that would have meant NO ME. That's when the second thought hit me. Had she had these twins my sister and I would most likely would not have happened. And then finally, again, all the times I had asked for twins. She would just laugh at my misconception about pregnancy, and I can't help but think now how it must have reminded her of this unfortunate moment. And I now kind of feel bad. I mean yeah, I had no way of knowing, and I was doing it with malice, but still. Yet there is a silver lining.
My sister and I, though two years apart, were born a day after each other. She was born the second of our birth month and I was born the third. And on top of that, growing up we looked exactly alike. People always thought we were twins. It even turns out that those who knew about what happened to my mom would tell her that my sister and I was God's way of giving her the twins she never had but was supposed to. And in a way, I agree.
As I have thought on this new found news, I have two hopes and one thought on my mind. The first hope is that my sisters and I all make it to heaven to see these twins that unfortunately didn't make it. And to build on it, I hope these twins are boys. It seems only fair, right?! BUT, my one thought is that these twins are going to turn out to be two more lovely sisters to add to my other 3, and if that's the case, that'll be more than alright with me, I know. I mean, hey, it'll be in heaven, by then, being the only boy won't even mean anything to me anymore.
I grew up in a family with three older sisters and no brothers. (The baby boy, the pride and joy) I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but just to be safe I'll say it now to set-up my post for today. Because of the family dynamic, I will always be out numbered, and I will never be in a position of authority within the family. Growing up like this, I always wanted brothers to even things out. So, I would ask my mom, "Please have one more baby! Twin boys!" As you can see from the statement, I had no concept of pregnancy since I thought a singular baby could be more than one actually, but hey, I was young cut me some slack. But hears where the story gets interesting.
It was last year, in the earlier half of Christmas break. All six of us, my parents, sisters, and I, were in the living room enjoying each others company since we were all under the same roof again for break. Minus my mom, we're all night owls in my family, so it was late, but she powered through and stayed up and we all just talked and I just kind of sat back and enjoyed seeing the conversation topic bounce around the way it always does with us, until during one topic, some startling information was revealed to me through just regular conversation. The topic was pregnancy and miscarriages. I found out that before my mom had my third sister and I, she was pregnant with twins, but unfortunately/sadly had suffered a miscarriage. SO MANY THOUGHTS WERE GOING THROUGH MY HEAD.
First, all the times I had asked my mom for twins, and she actually almost did. But it would have been before me, and most likely that would have meant NO ME. That's when the second thought hit me. Had she had these twins my sister and I would most likely would not have happened. And then finally, again, all the times I had asked for twins. She would just laugh at my misconception about pregnancy, and I can't help but think now how it must have reminded her of this unfortunate moment. And I now kind of feel bad. I mean yeah, I had no way of knowing, and I was doing it with malice, but still. Yet there is a silver lining.
My sister and I, though two years apart, were born a day after each other. She was born the second of our birth month and I was born the third. And on top of that, growing up we looked exactly alike. People always thought we were twins. It even turns out that those who knew about what happened to my mom would tell her that my sister and I was God's way of giving her the twins she never had but was supposed to. And in a way, I agree.
As I have thought on this new found news, I have two hopes and one thought on my mind. The first hope is that my sisters and I all make it to heaven to see these twins that unfortunately didn't make it. And to build on it, I hope these twins are boys. It seems only fair, right?! BUT, my one thought is that these twins are going to turn out to be two more lovely sisters to add to my other 3, and if that's the case, that'll be more than alright with me, I know. I mean, hey, it'll be in heaven, by then, being the only boy won't even mean anything to me anymore.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Where I'm Standing
It has been a while since my last blog post. In saying that, I feel I forgot why I made this blog, which was to write from the heart about any and every thing, and I became to focused on waiting for a provocative idea to hit me to catch the interests of others. So todays blog is going to me just kind of talking about where I'm currently at in life and if someone can relate, hopefully they can find refuge in knowing they're not alone in their thoughts.
This past semester has been rough on me. I've been under a lot of stress, but this stress has really been self-induced. I know what you are thinking, "He's probably been procrastinating a lot and screwing himself over that way." But no, that's not the case. In fact this semester I've been really good at getting assignments done early to have more time to fix them as the due dates approach. It's just unfortunately I've had a couple of grades on some assignments that have bummed me out, especially since I did put the time and effort into them. (Isn't that the worst? When you put a lot of time and effort into something, and it still falls short of your expectations.) Let me broaden this picture a little more though, so you can understand why I'm stressed and why these few assignments have something to do with it.
Last year was a rough year academically. Partially the schools fault, and partially my owns. Don't worry, I'm not going to try to play victim here. And because so, I fell short of my GPA requirement for my scholarship at the end of the year. The school decided that instead of taking away my scholarship, they would reduce it this year. Luckily I was able to get it back to whole upon appealing, but they notified me that if I missed my GPA requirement again at the end of this year that instead of reducing the scholarship again, they would just take it all away.
Knowing this, I BUSTED MY ASS last semester and KILLED IT (in a positive connotation) academically. Bringing my cumulative GPA to where it needed to be. Though all was good, it was BARELY good. I may have gotten my GPA where it needed to be, but only just slightly, I was hardly out of the woods entering this semester. So naturally I've been busting my ass this semester too. It's just this semester it doesn't seem to be paying dividends for me like last semester did. As I already said, I've been putting in a lot of time and effort on assignments and I still fell short on just a few, but I'm scared that few is somehow going to bite me in the ass come final grading time.
So, to be real for a moment, I've been going to bed every night for weeks now feeling scared, helpless, and alone. I just have this terrible feeling that my semester GPA is going to drop my cumulative just below the requirement. That I'm going to have a hiccup that takes it all away from me. And I CAN'T HAVE THAT. I keep imagining in my mind the day my parents say to me, "You can't go back to school in the fall. Without that scholarship, it's just not fiscally plausible. Call up the community college and get signed up." It would break my heart. I LOVE IT HERE at my school. It's my second home. Hell, sometimes when I'm back home, I will accidentally refer to where I'm at here as home, which breaks my mom's heart, but I don't do it on purpose, I swear. It just comes out by accident, like a curse word. BUT THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVE MY SCHOOL! I've almost succumbed to crying when I think about having all of this taken from me. I wish I could go to my teachers and ask for like a break or something, but I get that that's not how life works, but if life could just hand me a moment of revival in hope, that would be great.
Now, as I already said, this blog post is me just trying to put pen to paper, figuratively, and clear my head. BUT if you can relate to any of what I said, then thats good as well, and I'd love to hear from. Because you don't have to be alone, I'm here to help. I love to help, and it may help me get back to to good by helping someone else. I'm out.
This past semester has been rough on me. I've been under a lot of stress, but this stress has really been self-induced. I know what you are thinking, "He's probably been procrastinating a lot and screwing himself over that way." But no, that's not the case. In fact this semester I've been really good at getting assignments done early to have more time to fix them as the due dates approach. It's just unfortunately I've had a couple of grades on some assignments that have bummed me out, especially since I did put the time and effort into them. (Isn't that the worst? When you put a lot of time and effort into something, and it still falls short of your expectations.) Let me broaden this picture a little more though, so you can understand why I'm stressed and why these few assignments have something to do with it.
Last year was a rough year academically. Partially the schools fault, and partially my owns. Don't worry, I'm not going to try to play victim here. And because so, I fell short of my GPA requirement for my scholarship at the end of the year. The school decided that instead of taking away my scholarship, they would reduce it this year. Luckily I was able to get it back to whole upon appealing, but they notified me that if I missed my GPA requirement again at the end of this year that instead of reducing the scholarship again, they would just take it all away.
Knowing this, I BUSTED MY ASS last semester and KILLED IT (in a positive connotation) academically. Bringing my cumulative GPA to where it needed to be. Though all was good, it was BARELY good. I may have gotten my GPA where it needed to be, but only just slightly, I was hardly out of the woods entering this semester. So naturally I've been busting my ass this semester too. It's just this semester it doesn't seem to be paying dividends for me like last semester did. As I already said, I've been putting in a lot of time and effort on assignments and I still fell short on just a few, but I'm scared that few is somehow going to bite me in the ass come final grading time.
So, to be real for a moment, I've been going to bed every night for weeks now feeling scared, helpless, and alone. I just have this terrible feeling that my semester GPA is going to drop my cumulative just below the requirement. That I'm going to have a hiccup that takes it all away from me. And I CAN'T HAVE THAT. I keep imagining in my mind the day my parents say to me, "You can't go back to school in the fall. Without that scholarship, it's just not fiscally plausible. Call up the community college and get signed up." It would break my heart. I LOVE IT HERE at my school. It's my second home. Hell, sometimes when I'm back home, I will accidentally refer to where I'm at here as home, which breaks my mom's heart, but I don't do it on purpose, I swear. It just comes out by accident, like a curse word. BUT THAT'S HOW MUCH I LOVE MY SCHOOL! I've almost succumbed to crying when I think about having all of this taken from me. I wish I could go to my teachers and ask for like a break or something, but I get that that's not how life works, but if life could just hand me a moment of revival in hope, that would be great.
Now, as I already said, this blog post is me just trying to put pen to paper, figuratively, and clear my head. BUT if you can relate to any of what I said, then thats good as well, and I'd love to hear from. Because you don't have to be alone, I'm here to help. I love to help, and it may help me get back to to good by helping someone else. I'm out.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
BLACK EPOCH
Hey everybody, for today's blog, I wanted to show my support to up and coming hip hop duo Black Epoch. I have posted a link to their newest hit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkQeZYSg0ow
One you get to the actual site on the link, there is another link to their site and a free download of the track. I encourage you all listen. THANK YOU!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkQeZYSg0ow
One you get to the actual site on the link, there is another link to their site and a free download of the track. I encourage you all listen. THANK YOU!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Anti-Gay vs. Anti-Human: The Catholic Stigma
I've been looking for a new blog topic for a while now, and I have found it. But I still want to keep this blog post short due to the sensitive nature of this topic, and really just make a statement, without a judgement.
As many people, it not all, know, the Catholic Church is not approving of Gay marriage. BUT, that doesn't mean the church and its members aren't approving of Gay people. I believe it is an unfair stereotype and stigma that has been extremely magnetized these past few years as leaps and bounds have been made in the Gay community. I see it necessary to defend the Catholics, as I am one, and say again, we don't hate Gay people, and hell, some of us don't even hate the idea of Gay marriage (but yes, that number is lesser). This stigma that we do is false. We as Catholics believe that Gay people are still human, and as a human have just as much value as any other man or woman or whatever gender you are going with.
Now, maybe I'm being to bold trying to speak on the behalf of all the peoples of a religion, but I'm doing it anyway. It's just when I had a conversation on this topic with an acquaintance I realized that this seems to be the case and needed to explained and smoothed out. I know some go with the phrase, "Love the sinner, hate the sin", which in the crudest of terms could be what my blog is trying to say. But at least to save my backside, I will say this, I don't see it as a sin and I don't see those of LGBT community as sinners, and I'm sure those against may still not see it as sinners and sin either. But I just thought I should let it be known: Just because the Catholic church may not like gay marriage and gay acts, it doesn't mean it or its member Hate those people. They still value that persons life.
As many people, it not all, know, the Catholic Church is not approving of Gay marriage. BUT, that doesn't mean the church and its members aren't approving of Gay people. I believe it is an unfair stereotype and stigma that has been extremely magnetized these past few years as leaps and bounds have been made in the Gay community. I see it necessary to defend the Catholics, as I am one, and say again, we don't hate Gay people, and hell, some of us don't even hate the idea of Gay marriage (but yes, that number is lesser). This stigma that we do is false. We as Catholics believe that Gay people are still human, and as a human have just as much value as any other man or woman or whatever gender you are going with.
Now, maybe I'm being to bold trying to speak on the behalf of all the peoples of a religion, but I'm doing it anyway. It's just when I had a conversation on this topic with an acquaintance I realized that this seems to be the case and needed to explained and smoothed out. I know some go with the phrase, "Love the sinner, hate the sin", which in the crudest of terms could be what my blog is trying to say. But at least to save my backside, I will say this, I don't see it as a sin and I don't see those of LGBT community as sinners, and I'm sure those against may still not see it as sinners and sin either. But I just thought I should let it be known: Just because the Catholic church may not like gay marriage and gay acts, it doesn't mean it or its member Hate those people. They still value that persons life.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Three Words
Today, I just want everyone to tell the ones you love that you love them. We don't say it enough and we don't realize it until they're gone. Tell someone, "I love you".
Monday, February 10, 2014
The V Word
Well with it being February and Valentines day is fast approaching, I figured I would tackle this topic. Why not? But this isn't going to be a "I'm single and hate Valentines day rant" and it's not going to be a "I'm in a relationship and love Valentines day monologue", it's going to be a neutral blog post, one I hope both parties can appreciate. But we'll see.
If you are single and hate on Valentines day, or bitch about how all the symbols of it remind you that you're "alone", STOP! I got news for you, everyday people in relationships go on dates while you sit alone doing whatever it is you do to get through the day and yet you don't complain about those days, or at least not to the same capacity, so cut it out. Plus, you aren't alone. Everyone has somebody. Yeah, maybe it's not a significant other, but you got somebody, so pick a new word with a more fitting definition to your life situation. I get your pain, I'm single, and I won't have anyone this valentines day, but I don't feel compelled to shit on the day. That's not fair to other people who do enjoy the day, which includes a fair amount of people who are single.
And if you are in a relationship, make the day worth it. Go on a nice night out on the town, go to a couples party and rage, or stay in and watch a movie/cuddle. Whatever you do, make it a night worth remembering, because as much as I'd like to claim valentines day is just another day, it's not, or at least enough people out there in society don't consider it one, so since it's not just another day, don't treat it like one. Now I'm not saying you have to spend a lot of money on you significant other, I'm saying spend a lot time on them, because gifts will fade, but memories will last.
Finally, to both parties, Valentines Day is about LOVE! So if you're single, remember, it's not about the love of significant other, its about love in general. If you know someone in need of some kind of love, then go out and give them that love. Like the Beatles said, "All you need is love." And if you're taken, well then give your significant other love the best you can, and maybe (this is just an idea) go out with your "love" and as a duo go show love to others who you too know may need it. Because we've taken this day and may it one about the romantic kind of love, which is nice, but not everything. There's many kinds of love, and this day is about all of them, not just one of them.
If you are single and hate on Valentines day, or bitch about how all the symbols of it remind you that you're "alone", STOP! I got news for you, everyday people in relationships go on dates while you sit alone doing whatever it is you do to get through the day and yet you don't complain about those days, or at least not to the same capacity, so cut it out. Plus, you aren't alone. Everyone has somebody. Yeah, maybe it's not a significant other, but you got somebody, so pick a new word with a more fitting definition to your life situation. I get your pain, I'm single, and I won't have anyone this valentines day, but I don't feel compelled to shit on the day. That's not fair to other people who do enjoy the day, which includes a fair amount of people who are single.
And if you are in a relationship, make the day worth it. Go on a nice night out on the town, go to a couples party and rage, or stay in and watch a movie/cuddle. Whatever you do, make it a night worth remembering, because as much as I'd like to claim valentines day is just another day, it's not, or at least enough people out there in society don't consider it one, so since it's not just another day, don't treat it like one. Now I'm not saying you have to spend a lot of money on you significant other, I'm saying spend a lot time on them, because gifts will fade, but memories will last.
Finally, to both parties, Valentines Day is about LOVE! So if you're single, remember, it's not about the love of significant other, its about love in general. If you know someone in need of some kind of love, then go out and give them that love. Like the Beatles said, "All you need is love." And if you're taken, well then give your significant other love the best you can, and maybe (this is just an idea) go out with your "love" and as a duo go show love to others who you too know may need it. Because we've taken this day and may it one about the romantic kind of love, which is nice, but not everything. There's many kinds of love, and this day is about all of them, not just one of them.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Let's Talk Sex
So over the course of my sophomore year (my current year), twice now I have had close friends reveal something to me that I did not know and was shocked to hear. They told me that for the past year and half that I've been at school that there has been a rumor going around campus about me. One of which I was completely unaware of. The rumor was that I, Bow Tie Chris, sleep around...A LOT!
This is hardly the case. While in some sick way I take this as a compliment, in that it sounds like people think I can get girls, but it is quite the contrary. First off, I can't get girls. I don't even know how to talk to a girl if I like her, so I usually don't. Secondly, though I have had sex, I've only done it three times, and not all 3 times were here at school. I hardly think that counts as sleeping around. I mean depending who you are and what your perspective is maybe you do. But for me, I don't, and I'd like to think that to the masses they wouldn't consider this as sleeping around period, let alone A LOT.
So if you are someone who has heard this rumor or if you are someone who has heard & believed this rumor, I asked you to reconsider what you have heard and know that it is false. From the man himself, me, Bow Tie Chris, I affirm that I have not, do not, and don't plan to sleep around. That's how bad things happen, and you get stuck with consequences that I am not prepared to face.
All this being said, don't get me wrong, I do not judge if you are someone who does sleep around. I'm in no place to judge, we're all humans. Do you, boo boo. I just wanted to make it clear, I DO NOT SLEEP AROUND! I'm also not trying to sound passive aggressive or straight up aggressive, I'm just using the upper casing and exclamations so you don't over look this message, if that's even possible. So again, if you have heard this rumor and/or if you have heard and believed this rumor, know that it's not true. I just ask, as asked earlier in the post, that you don't let this rumor influence you in making a judgement call on me, given it's falsehood. If you want to know the truth about me on any topic, come to me. I'll tell you. I'm a very open-book. Quite possibly too open, but it means you'll get the truth.
Thank you and that is all.
This is hardly the case. While in some sick way I take this as a compliment, in that it sounds like people think I can get girls, but it is quite the contrary. First off, I can't get girls. I don't even know how to talk to a girl if I like her, so I usually don't. Secondly, though I have had sex, I've only done it three times, and not all 3 times were here at school. I hardly think that counts as sleeping around. I mean depending who you are and what your perspective is maybe you do. But for me, I don't, and I'd like to think that to the masses they wouldn't consider this as sleeping around period, let alone A LOT.
So if you are someone who has heard this rumor or if you are someone who has heard & believed this rumor, I asked you to reconsider what you have heard and know that it is false. From the man himself, me, Bow Tie Chris, I affirm that I have not, do not, and don't plan to sleep around. That's how bad things happen, and you get stuck with consequences that I am not prepared to face.
All this being said, don't get me wrong, I do not judge if you are someone who does sleep around. I'm in no place to judge, we're all humans. Do you, boo boo. I just wanted to make it clear, I DO NOT SLEEP AROUND! I'm also not trying to sound passive aggressive or straight up aggressive, I'm just using the upper casing and exclamations so you don't over look this message, if that's even possible. So again, if you have heard this rumor and/or if you have heard and believed this rumor, know that it's not true. I just ask, as asked earlier in the post, that you don't let this rumor influence you in making a judgement call on me, given it's falsehood. If you want to know the truth about me on any topic, come to me. I'll tell you. I'm a very open-book. Quite possibly too open, but it means you'll get the truth.
Thank you and that is all.
Monday, February 3, 2014
GIVE IT ALL!
So the other day while at the gym, I ran into a friend. We got to talking, and he told me he reads my blogs and enjoys them a lot, to which I thanked him and said I appreciated the time he gives me by reading them. He went on to say I should write a blog on the topic of "Giving it your all". This is it:
Everyday that we live is in some way a struggle. I'm not saying that means everyday is bad; not in the least. Because a lot of the time these "struggles" are minor and easily manipulated to work out in our favor in the end. They just sometimes require more effort than we're in the mood to give. That's where giving it your all comes in. Hear me out.
We all love giving 100% effort when we are doing something we like. Why wouldn't we? It's something we like. We're obviously having fun in some way or another by what we're doing. But what about those times we're doing something we don't like and just want to say screw it and throw in the towel.
I am one of the most extroverted and optimistic persons you'll ever meet. My mom has always said the I've "never met a stranger" but that doesn't mean I don't have my down days as well. One thing that always brings me down slightly is school. I HATE IT. I've never liked school. BUT God blessed me with the gift of being able to put in the bare minimum of effort and still come out on top, and unfortunately I took this gift for granted. Here I was and still am at times, this kid who sits on his ass procrastinated while watching my fellow peers stress and worry about the same assignments I would wait till the last minute to do, and I knew I'd get pass with an above average grade that I may or may not have deserved depending on if you consider grading based on quality or time put in. But I digress.
Finally I reached college and first semester freshman year hit me like a Mack Truck. I did not do as well I as would have liked, and it reflected in my grades. I had spent the semester operating on the same formula I always have: last minute, bare minimum effort. But this wasn't high school and the college academic system isn't as easily manipulated or forgiving as high school and all the "schools" below it. And that's when it hit me!
A person should try their hardest regardless of whether they WANT to, because whether they want to or not, they NEED to. You shouldn't just be weighed on the good character and effort you display when you do something you like! Anyone can look like a good when they are in their element. We should weigh a person on how they perform when they are in a situation that's not so appealing to them. It's the guy who is in a undesirable situation and refuses to throw in the towel that I want on my team. And I learned that from my first semester in college. This squeaking by bulls**t wasn't and isn't going to fly anymore, for me or anybody else regardless of situation. It's time to grow up and give it your all regardless if you want to. Is this easier said than done? Oh most certainly. I'm not naive. But if done it's one of the most honorable thing you can do. Any form of work/activity is honorable as long as you do it to the fullest of your potential and don't just "curl up and die" given your unfavorable predicament.
So this one is for you, guy who hates going to the gym, girl who doesn't want to try in class, soon to be parent who wasn't really in the mood to have kids, single-mom working multiple s****y jobs to support the family, and to everyone else out there as well, whatever your situation: GIVE IT YOUR ALL! Give it 110% until you can't give anymore, and when that moment comes, KEEP GIVING! Because it may not be easy, but nothing memorable, honorable, or praise worthy ever is. Pick your head up and remember that the finish line isn't until the day the big man above calls you up.
Everyday that we live is in some way a struggle. I'm not saying that means everyday is bad; not in the least. Because a lot of the time these "struggles" are minor and easily manipulated to work out in our favor in the end. They just sometimes require more effort than we're in the mood to give. That's where giving it your all comes in. Hear me out.
We all love giving 100% effort when we are doing something we like. Why wouldn't we? It's something we like. We're obviously having fun in some way or another by what we're doing. But what about those times we're doing something we don't like and just want to say screw it and throw in the towel.
I am one of the most extroverted and optimistic persons you'll ever meet. My mom has always said the I've "never met a stranger" but that doesn't mean I don't have my down days as well. One thing that always brings me down slightly is school. I HATE IT. I've never liked school. BUT God blessed me with the gift of being able to put in the bare minimum of effort and still come out on top, and unfortunately I took this gift for granted. Here I was and still am at times, this kid who sits on his ass procrastinated while watching my fellow peers stress and worry about the same assignments I would wait till the last minute to do, and I knew I'd get pass with an above average grade that I may or may not have deserved depending on if you consider grading based on quality or time put in. But I digress.
Finally I reached college and first semester freshman year hit me like a Mack Truck. I did not do as well I as would have liked, and it reflected in my grades. I had spent the semester operating on the same formula I always have: last minute, bare minimum effort. But this wasn't high school and the college academic system isn't as easily manipulated or forgiving as high school and all the "schools" below it. And that's when it hit me!
A person should try their hardest regardless of whether they WANT to, because whether they want to or not, they NEED to. You shouldn't just be weighed on the good character and effort you display when you do something you like! Anyone can look like a good when they are in their element. We should weigh a person on how they perform when they are in a situation that's not so appealing to them. It's the guy who is in a undesirable situation and refuses to throw in the towel that I want on my team. And I learned that from my first semester in college. This squeaking by bulls**t wasn't and isn't going to fly anymore, for me or anybody else regardless of situation. It's time to grow up and give it your all regardless if you want to. Is this easier said than done? Oh most certainly. I'm not naive. But if done it's one of the most honorable thing you can do. Any form of work/activity is honorable as long as you do it to the fullest of your potential and don't just "curl up and die" given your unfavorable predicament.
So this one is for you, guy who hates going to the gym, girl who doesn't want to try in class, soon to be parent who wasn't really in the mood to have kids, single-mom working multiple s****y jobs to support the family, and to everyone else out there as well, whatever your situation: GIVE IT YOUR ALL! Give it 110% until you can't give anymore, and when that moment comes, KEEP GIVING! Because it may not be easy, but nothing memorable, honorable, or praise worthy ever is. Pick your head up and remember that the finish line isn't until the day the big man above calls you up.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Don't Make my Mistake
Grandparents; they're supposed to be the fun "parents" while our actual parents play the role of "bad guy." They spoil us, teach us life lessons they've learned from the many years they've lived, and make sure we're good kids who don't worry our parents as much as we did. I never knew my grandfathers, but this at least this seems to be the kind of relationship I've had. But here's where it takes a sour left turn. This the kind of relationship I've had with only ONE of my grandmothers...I've had both in my life. And still have one of them, but it's the grandmother I don't have this relationship with.
Growing up, we've always been very close with my mother's side of the family. My dad's side is extremely small, and well, we're very estranged from them. The only one from his side we really ever see is his mother, our grandmother. Still, compared to the relationship we had with our grandmother on my mom's side, you could still make an argument that we ARE as estranged from my grandmother on my dad's as we are with the rest of his family.
See, we, my sisters and I, have never really enjoyed spending time with her. She's much more on the melancholy side of things; thriving on the morbid, negative, and pessimistic parts of life. Our other grandmother was not like this, she was fun, optimistic, outgoing. Naturally as kid this the latter is going to appeal to us. And with this appeal coinciding with seeing my dad's mom very little, we've grown up to have a mindset of not really wanting to spend time with her. AND IT SUCKS!
My grandmother on my mom's side has passed. But my father's is still here, BUT SHE'S 90 YEARS OLD. She doesn't have much longer to go. I mean, the doctors say she's as healthy as someone can be for that age, which is great news, but she's also at that age where things could change in the blink of any eye, and she'll be gone. And when that day comes, what will I have to look back at? Those Christmas eve nights spending time with my dad's family hoping the next day would come already to hang with my mom's side? Or those few other sporadic times over the course of each year where we would be with her and wishing we were elsewhere? Here is a woman who has done a lot more for me than I give her credit for, and I haven't really given her the time of day, my entire life.
It breaks my heart to say this, but the day she passes I probably will not cry. How do you? How do you cry for someone you've never really had a relationship with? Here's the kicker though. As I have gotten older, I have had the opportunity to make my own conscious decision to try and build a relationship with her, and I haven't. And now that she doesn't haven't much more time, and I know it, I SEVERELY regret not trying to build a stronger relationship with her. A prime example of you don't realize the mistakes you've made until it's too late to fix them.
So here's what I'm saying to/asking of you. If you can relate to this blog, if you have someone important in your life that you just don't have the best relationship with, FIX IT! Don't wait till they're close to death and there isn't enough time on the table. Because you don't want to live the rest of your life hurting over something that you could have avoided if you had just opened up your heart a little. This may not be easy, I understand, but it will be worth it. DON'T WAIT TILL IT IS TOO LATE!
Growing up, we've always been very close with my mother's side of the family. My dad's side is extremely small, and well, we're very estranged from them. The only one from his side we really ever see is his mother, our grandmother. Still, compared to the relationship we had with our grandmother on my mom's side, you could still make an argument that we ARE as estranged from my grandmother on my dad's as we are with the rest of his family.
See, we, my sisters and I, have never really enjoyed spending time with her. She's much more on the melancholy side of things; thriving on the morbid, negative, and pessimistic parts of life. Our other grandmother was not like this, she was fun, optimistic, outgoing. Naturally as kid this the latter is going to appeal to us. And with this appeal coinciding with seeing my dad's mom very little, we've grown up to have a mindset of not really wanting to spend time with her. AND IT SUCKS!
My grandmother on my mom's side has passed. But my father's is still here, BUT SHE'S 90 YEARS OLD. She doesn't have much longer to go. I mean, the doctors say she's as healthy as someone can be for that age, which is great news, but she's also at that age where things could change in the blink of any eye, and she'll be gone. And when that day comes, what will I have to look back at? Those Christmas eve nights spending time with my dad's family hoping the next day would come already to hang with my mom's side? Or those few other sporadic times over the course of each year where we would be with her and wishing we were elsewhere? Here is a woman who has done a lot more for me than I give her credit for, and I haven't really given her the time of day, my entire life.
It breaks my heart to say this, but the day she passes I probably will not cry. How do you? How do you cry for someone you've never really had a relationship with? Here's the kicker though. As I have gotten older, I have had the opportunity to make my own conscious decision to try and build a relationship with her, and I haven't. And now that she doesn't haven't much more time, and I know it, I SEVERELY regret not trying to build a stronger relationship with her. A prime example of you don't realize the mistakes you've made until it's too late to fix them.
So here's what I'm saying to/asking of you. If you can relate to this blog, if you have someone important in your life that you just don't have the best relationship with, FIX IT! Don't wait till they're close to death and there isn't enough time on the table. Because you don't want to live the rest of your life hurting over something that you could have avoided if you had just opened up your heart a little. This may not be easy, I understand, but it will be worth it. DON'T WAIT TILL IT IS TOO LATE!
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Actions have Consequences
What's your biggest fear? It's an interesting question, but a scary one to because it gets you thinking of that which you are afraid. For me, it's my parents not being proud of me. Luckily they are proud of me or at least they give me that impression. But this really didn't become my fear until college. Specifically when they decided to pay for my college education, and I felt like more of an investment and less of their son. Everyday I wake up scared out of my mind that I'm going to fall short and that my phone is going to ring with my mom on the other line saying, "We're bringing you home." I would be devastated. I love this place too much. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but hear me out.
I come from a family of four children. Three girls and me (the baby boy, the pride and joy haha). My one sister had to pay for college with her own money, and the other two were blessed enough to get full rides, still they had to pay out pocket as well for anything college related that their scholarships didn't cover. Then it finally reached the point where college was upon me as well and like my sisters, the question of how am I going to pay for this became the main one. I figured like my oldest sister, I would use my college fund as well as bank loans and just spend my life paying them off like the majority of college kids.
One night while chilling in the basement, thinking about it, out-loud at moments, my sister came in and said that mom and dad were going to pay for me. I was skeptical and said no they weren't. She insisted, saying it's just how it works with me being the baby; something that just is. A unspoken truth. Eventually my parents did say they would be paying for me to go to college. Naturally I was relieved and appreciative. At the same time though, it sucks in it's own way.
You see, with my parents paying for my schooling, my fuck ups now become their fuck ups indirectly. And that puts a lot of pressure on me, knowing that it's more than just my life riding on this potential degree. If things go wrong because of me, that's a quarter of a million dollars of my parents money WASTED! This isn't me saying I'm a bad student or that I wish they weren't paying so I could be a bad student, it's just me saying I have a lot more than myself to think about when I make the decisions I do everyday. Also, I feel as though I've had a bit of my independence stripped from. I can still remember when my sisters and parents kept hinting to me that they were going to pay for school, me saying I didn't want this and would rather struggle through with bank loans I would have to pay off.
I wanted it that way, because I didn't want the fact that my parents are paying for college to be held over my head by them or thrown in my face by my sisters. Now my parents really haven't made it feel this way, but there have been occasions where my sisters, specifically my oldest one, will bring it up in a "throw it in your face" kind of manner and it almost seems resentful. To which I always want to say, "I didn't ask for this. In fact I didn't want this and said I didn't want this." But I just hold my tongue. Still I have also seen first hand the impact of my performance have on my rents. I didn't do too well freshman year grade wise, more just in a couple of classes, and my dad pulled me aside while I was home on a brief break and he got choked up as he explained I had to get my act together and bring these grades up.
He didn't say why, but I knew why: My parents, because they love me unconditionally, have put themselves in a position where there is as much riding on my schooling for them as there is for me. So as said before, don't get me wrong, I'm quite grateful for what they are doing for me, and I love them for them, though I would love them regardless, all I am saying is, I think it is just as stressful knowing three peoples' futures are riding on your schooling as it is for the kid who is paying for their schooling them self and their future alone is what is riding on it.
I come from a family of four children. Three girls and me (the baby boy, the pride and joy haha). My one sister had to pay for college with her own money, and the other two were blessed enough to get full rides, still they had to pay out pocket as well for anything college related that their scholarships didn't cover. Then it finally reached the point where college was upon me as well and like my sisters, the question of how am I going to pay for this became the main one. I figured like my oldest sister, I would use my college fund as well as bank loans and just spend my life paying them off like the majority of college kids.
One night while chilling in the basement, thinking about it, out-loud at moments, my sister came in and said that mom and dad were going to pay for me. I was skeptical and said no they weren't. She insisted, saying it's just how it works with me being the baby; something that just is. A unspoken truth. Eventually my parents did say they would be paying for me to go to college. Naturally I was relieved and appreciative. At the same time though, it sucks in it's own way.
You see, with my parents paying for my schooling, my fuck ups now become their fuck ups indirectly. And that puts a lot of pressure on me, knowing that it's more than just my life riding on this potential degree. If things go wrong because of me, that's a quarter of a million dollars of my parents money WASTED! This isn't me saying I'm a bad student or that I wish they weren't paying so I could be a bad student, it's just me saying I have a lot more than myself to think about when I make the decisions I do everyday. Also, I feel as though I've had a bit of my independence stripped from. I can still remember when my sisters and parents kept hinting to me that they were going to pay for school, me saying I didn't want this and would rather struggle through with bank loans I would have to pay off.
I wanted it that way, because I didn't want the fact that my parents are paying for college to be held over my head by them or thrown in my face by my sisters. Now my parents really haven't made it feel this way, but there have been occasions where my sisters, specifically my oldest one, will bring it up in a "throw it in your face" kind of manner and it almost seems resentful. To which I always want to say, "I didn't ask for this. In fact I didn't want this and said I didn't want this." But I just hold my tongue. Still I have also seen first hand the impact of my performance have on my rents. I didn't do too well freshman year grade wise, more just in a couple of classes, and my dad pulled me aside while I was home on a brief break and he got choked up as he explained I had to get my act together and bring these grades up.
He didn't say why, but I knew why: My parents, because they love me unconditionally, have put themselves in a position where there is as much riding on my schooling for them as there is for me. So as said before, don't get me wrong, I'm quite grateful for what they are doing for me, and I love them for them, though I would love them regardless, all I am saying is, I think it is just as stressful knowing three peoples' futures are riding on your schooling as it is for the kid who is paying for their schooling them self and their future alone is what is riding on it.
Monday, January 27, 2014
Coming to Terms: Living with Ulcerative Colitis
Have you ever wanted something so badly that you'll do anything to get it, but once it's in your grasps it's taken away from you and you realize it's gone forever. It's never a good feeling. It's also something that can take a while to get over; depending on what it is, you may never get over it. For me, this thing I wanted so bad that was taken from me was the chance to serve in the United States military, specifically the United States Navy. So let me explain.
I have what psychology calls a "hero complex". I'm sure growing up the son of a cop certainly had something to do with that. Regardless, I have it, and just like any complex, it requires fulfillment. I figured I would get mine by joining the military. I can remember from about the age of ten, I knew that that was what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to help others and put their own lives before my own. But as anyone who has applied for military service knows, the U.S. military has a lot of requirements and medical qualifications to meet. While applying for the military academies my senior year of high school, along with all the other colleges I applied for, they found out I had asthma, not that I tried to hide it or anything, and so it disqualified me, but they said I could appeal the decision and prove that my asthma doesn't affect me. I planned on doing so. But along the way, I guess the stress from all the applications and college preparations, I contracted a disease known as Ulcerative Colitis.
Now for those of you who do not know what ulcerative colitis is, I tell you it is not pretty. What it is, is basically you have ulcers lining the inside wall of your colon. Along with this comes extreme pain in the abdominal region, having to go the bathroom frequently and for long periods of time, and bleeding when you go. Now these symptoms are really only present when your having a flare up, and if you keep on top your meds, you can get it into remission, and make it as if you never had it, though it never does actually go away. They don't know what causes the disease, but they believe it is stress related and family inheritance related.
After contracting the disease, I did some research and discovered that again I would be disqualified from military service. But here's where it was different this time. I was not allowed to appeal this kind of medical defect. I was disqualified for life. No ifs, ands or buts. This moment was extremely hard for me to take. With the asthma, I figured I stood a chance, now I was finding out, there was no chance, period. All I had ever wanted was to serve my country, and here I was, finding out it would remain a dream unacclompished. And on top of that there's always reminders present in the form of others getting the opportunity to serve that I had always wanted. I even had a friend, unaware of my condition, tell me I should join ROTC, that it's really good and he thought I'd be good for it. This moment was like a kick in the pants for me.
Since finding out I had UC, I've had trouble coping with multiple things. First of all, I've had trouble getting over the fact that I'll never get to serve. Like I said, with constant reminders present, it's hard not to look and remember that that was what I always wanted. But even more so, I have found it hard coping with my UC and what it's taken from me and how its affected my relationship with my family, at least from my perspective. For starters, I can never seem to go the bathroom without my family thinking something is wrong and having them question me. I always have to remind them that whether I have the disease or not, I'm still human and because so, I'm still going to have to use the bathroom. Then, they're all always badgering me on my eating habits. I can't seem to consume anything without a passive aggressive and judgmental statement. I understand their concern, I get it. Since being diagnosed and treated, I have slipped up twice with my meds and have two flare ups because so. But they don't how hard it is having to admit this when it happens. It's embarrassing and seems to only fuel their fire, which I'm trying to suppress.
Everyday is a struggle, most of the time not physical, but mental. But, I'm doing what I can to accept this is my life now and I have to find a new love to pursue. Since I still have my hero's complex, I've decided to pursue a career in law enforcement. Preferably federal, but I'll take a lower level as well. Just something where I can protect and help the lives of others. And I'm working on my understanding that my family only acts the way they do with me because they care. Even if they don't go about it the best way, I know they do what they do because they love me.
So if you can relate, don't throw in the towel. But also don't feel bad if you haven't moved on from what was taken from you. Take your time. It's okay. If you can't relate, well here is another glance into the eyes of my life and way I see it and live it. Have a good one.
I have what psychology calls a "hero complex". I'm sure growing up the son of a cop certainly had something to do with that. Regardless, I have it, and just like any complex, it requires fulfillment. I figured I would get mine by joining the military. I can remember from about the age of ten, I knew that that was what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to help others and put their own lives before my own. But as anyone who has applied for military service knows, the U.S. military has a lot of requirements and medical qualifications to meet. While applying for the military academies my senior year of high school, along with all the other colleges I applied for, they found out I had asthma, not that I tried to hide it or anything, and so it disqualified me, but they said I could appeal the decision and prove that my asthma doesn't affect me. I planned on doing so. But along the way, I guess the stress from all the applications and college preparations, I contracted a disease known as Ulcerative Colitis.
Now for those of you who do not know what ulcerative colitis is, I tell you it is not pretty. What it is, is basically you have ulcers lining the inside wall of your colon. Along with this comes extreme pain in the abdominal region, having to go the bathroom frequently and for long periods of time, and bleeding when you go. Now these symptoms are really only present when your having a flare up, and if you keep on top your meds, you can get it into remission, and make it as if you never had it, though it never does actually go away. They don't know what causes the disease, but they believe it is stress related and family inheritance related.
After contracting the disease, I did some research and discovered that again I would be disqualified from military service. But here's where it was different this time. I was not allowed to appeal this kind of medical defect. I was disqualified for life. No ifs, ands or buts. This moment was extremely hard for me to take. With the asthma, I figured I stood a chance, now I was finding out, there was no chance, period. All I had ever wanted was to serve my country, and here I was, finding out it would remain a dream unacclompished. And on top of that there's always reminders present in the form of others getting the opportunity to serve that I had always wanted. I even had a friend, unaware of my condition, tell me I should join ROTC, that it's really good and he thought I'd be good for it. This moment was like a kick in the pants for me.
Since finding out I had UC, I've had trouble coping with multiple things. First of all, I've had trouble getting over the fact that I'll never get to serve. Like I said, with constant reminders present, it's hard not to look and remember that that was what I always wanted. But even more so, I have found it hard coping with my UC and what it's taken from me and how its affected my relationship with my family, at least from my perspective. For starters, I can never seem to go the bathroom without my family thinking something is wrong and having them question me. I always have to remind them that whether I have the disease or not, I'm still human and because so, I'm still going to have to use the bathroom. Then, they're all always badgering me on my eating habits. I can't seem to consume anything without a passive aggressive and judgmental statement. I understand their concern, I get it. Since being diagnosed and treated, I have slipped up twice with my meds and have two flare ups because so. But they don't how hard it is having to admit this when it happens. It's embarrassing and seems to only fuel their fire, which I'm trying to suppress.
Everyday is a struggle, most of the time not physical, but mental. But, I'm doing what I can to accept this is my life now and I have to find a new love to pursue. Since I still have my hero's complex, I've decided to pursue a career in law enforcement. Preferably federal, but I'll take a lower level as well. Just something where I can protect and help the lives of others. And I'm working on my understanding that my family only acts the way they do with me because they care. Even if they don't go about it the best way, I know they do what they do because they love me.
So if you can relate, don't throw in the towel. But also don't feel bad if you haven't moved on from what was taken from you. Take your time. It's okay. If you can't relate, well here is another glance into the eyes of my life and way I see it and live it. Have a good one.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
PET PEEVES!
This is just a fun blog post for me to to rant about what bothers me and what my pet peeves are. So here it is:
1. When I order a hamburger and they ask me if I want cheese on that. Uhm, no. If I had wanted cheese I would have ordered a CHEESEburger. It's why we created that and gave it the name we did.
2. Double door entrances where only one of the doors opens. Then why didn't you just build a single door entrance. SO STUPID!
3. People whose natural cough sounds just like that fake cough you do to get someone's attention. Fix that, cus I'm going to be thinking you trying to get my attention every time you cough, kid.
4. How much focus we put into sports before the season begins. It's a guessing game, and most of the ESPN analysts are bad at it. So stop.
5. I don't like how political and religious Facebook has become. If I cared about your preference on either, I would be keeping in touch with you in person, not through a site on the Internet.
6. I love when people flip me off while driving. Because I know that by you taking one hand off the wheel in order to gesture at me rudely, you have raised you chances of dying in a car accident. I win. (This isn't a pet peeve, but I felt compelled to mention it.
7. When you send someone a message on Facebook, and it tells you they've seen it, but they don't respond. WTF! I know you saw my message, it told me.
8. People who blatantly break the law. Depending on the law, I'm fine you break it, but if you're being obvious about it, then I hope you get caught, and get the severest punishment you can get for your offense.
9. People who tuck in their shirt but don't wear a belt. Cut that out. Now.
10. And finally, for now, people who shove their beliefs down my throat, when I don't do the same. If you're entitled to your belief, why am I not entitled to mine. Even if it is different than yours.
These are the current things on my mind.
1. When I order a hamburger and they ask me if I want cheese on that. Uhm, no. If I had wanted cheese I would have ordered a CHEESEburger. It's why we created that and gave it the name we did.
2. Double door entrances where only one of the doors opens. Then why didn't you just build a single door entrance. SO STUPID!
3. People whose natural cough sounds just like that fake cough you do to get someone's attention. Fix that, cus I'm going to be thinking you trying to get my attention every time you cough, kid.
4. How much focus we put into sports before the season begins. It's a guessing game, and most of the ESPN analysts are bad at it. So stop.
5. I don't like how political and religious Facebook has become. If I cared about your preference on either, I would be keeping in touch with you in person, not through a site on the Internet.
6. I love when people flip me off while driving. Because I know that by you taking one hand off the wheel in order to gesture at me rudely, you have raised you chances of dying in a car accident. I win. (This isn't a pet peeve, but I felt compelled to mention it.
7. When you send someone a message on Facebook, and it tells you they've seen it, but they don't respond. WTF! I know you saw my message, it told me.
8. People who blatantly break the law. Depending on the law, I'm fine you break it, but if you're being obvious about it, then I hope you get caught, and get the severest punishment you can get for your offense.
9. People who tuck in their shirt but don't wear a belt. Cut that out. Now.
10. And finally, for now, people who shove their beliefs down my throat, when I don't do the same. If you're entitled to your belief, why am I not entitled to mine. Even if it is different than yours.
These are the current things on my mind.
Monday, January 13, 2014
I Probably Deserved That
Only hours into the new semester of school and already I have a blog worthy moment. This one is more of a life-lesson blog with a fun and embarrassing story with it. So let's just jump into it, shall we:
I had just finished getting ready for my day and upcoming classes and had time to kill, so I decided to head over to one of the school cafeterias for some breakfast. Upon leaving my dorm building I scanned the hill the building is on to make sure it was clear enough to ride my longboard, since that's my way around campus, when I saw her. This girl I like was coming down the hill. I never see her around campus it seems like, and since it's the first day of classes, I felt this could be a rare sighting that I needed to capitalize on in a subtle manner. So as I step on to the hill to ride my board, my idea of subtle capitalization was to do a trick on my longboard. I was like "It's perfect, she'll be like he's cool."
In thought, the idea was brilliant. In reality, EPIC FAIL! I hopped on my board, and I went for the trick. I ate shit. I wrecked, and slid like three maybe four feet on my side. What made matters worse, my board kept rolling down the hill. So here I was, with this girl I like watching, sliding kind of on my ass and then sprinting down the hill like a tool to get to my board that is rolling away. The goal here was to be be cool. I was everything BUT!
The life lesson I want to give here is DON'T BE A SHOWOFF! Keep it simple and stay within your limitations. The COOL thing to do, as well as smart, would have been to wait till this girl I like had caught up to me and then just walk down the hill with her while engaging in conversation. That was stupid of me to think a trick was the right route. So stop showboating, myself included. Just do you, be yourself and step up to the plate.
Remember, Lindsey Jacobellis would've won a gold medal at the Olympics, but went for a trick right before the finish line and lost. Don't be her...I was her. Now I have no figurative gold medal, and I'm not sure I'll be in my prime by the next "Olympics". But I do ask that you still laugh at this story, because it is pretty funny. I looked SO BAD! HAHAH!
I had just finished getting ready for my day and upcoming classes and had time to kill, so I decided to head over to one of the school cafeterias for some breakfast. Upon leaving my dorm building I scanned the hill the building is on to make sure it was clear enough to ride my longboard, since that's my way around campus, when I saw her. This girl I like was coming down the hill. I never see her around campus it seems like, and since it's the first day of classes, I felt this could be a rare sighting that I needed to capitalize on in a subtle manner. So as I step on to the hill to ride my board, my idea of subtle capitalization was to do a trick on my longboard. I was like "It's perfect, she'll be like he's cool."
In thought, the idea was brilliant. In reality, EPIC FAIL! I hopped on my board, and I went for the trick. I ate shit. I wrecked, and slid like three maybe four feet on my side. What made matters worse, my board kept rolling down the hill. So here I was, with this girl I like watching, sliding kind of on my ass and then sprinting down the hill like a tool to get to my board that is rolling away. The goal here was to be be cool. I was everything BUT!
The life lesson I want to give here is DON'T BE A SHOWOFF! Keep it simple and stay within your limitations. The COOL thing to do, as well as smart, would have been to wait till this girl I like had caught up to me and then just walk down the hill with her while engaging in conversation. That was stupid of me to think a trick was the right route. So stop showboating, myself included. Just do you, be yourself and step up to the plate.
Remember, Lindsey Jacobellis would've won a gold medal at the Olympics, but went for a trick right before the finish line and lost. Don't be her...I was her. Now I have no figurative gold medal, and I'm not sure I'll be in my prime by the next "Olympics". But I do ask that you still laugh at this story, because it is pretty funny. I looked SO BAD! HAHAH!
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