From the age that I was able to understand the concept of a career as well as what types of career options were out there, I always knew what I wanted to do. I want to join the United States Navy. The dream was to work hard, make it to the academy, eventually the SEALs, and finally a longstanding career ending with me retiring as a 5 star admiral. Pretty ambitious, I know, but wanted nothing else in the world, and so I was gonna stop at nothing to get there. Unfortunately God, or whoever/whatever controls us and our world, had different plans. My senior year of high school I contracted Ulcerative Colitis, making me medically unfit for the military with no shot to appeal. I'm not going to get to involved in this incident because I have already devoted a blog post to it, which you can go back and read if you'd like.
However, in regards to that post, I was a sophomore in college when I wrote. I was still young enough that I had time to have things figured out. There was hope. Now, I'm a second semester senior with graduation looming and I have figured anything out. Sure, I have a clear cut answer for whenever someone asks me, "What are your plans for after graduation," but I'm just faking it, really hard. You see, I have what psychology calls a "Hero's Complex" and just because my chance to fulfill in the military was unfortunately derailed, it didn't mean the complex went away. So I figured I would pursue a career in law enforcement. Preferably at the federal level, but most likely starting at a lower level to begin. And that's what I've been pushing for. The truth is though, I don't spend a day not questioning if it is the right path. That was something that never happened when the military life still seemed attainable. I would go to bed and wake up the next day feeling as confident about the decision as I did the day before.
Here's the dilemma though, I don't know if I'm questioning things because I truly am unsure or if I'm questioning things because those who I thought would support me have questioned this and me since making the decision. See, my family is very supportive of the decision to pursue law enforcement. Some members are more vocal then others, but I know deep down that none are on board. But what makes it worse is the ones who have been more vocal, like I said a few sentences ago, have been questioning it and me so much, I just feel like I've entered that predicament of when you're in a certain environment for so long you start to be like that environment whether you want to or not. As the first sentence of this paragraph began, I don't know if I'm questioning things because I'm genuinely not sure if policing is for me, or if because I have people saying it is not for me.
All I know is this, I'm running out of time and I just feel like I'm not going to amount to what everyone wants me to be. And I know you're probably reading this and thinking right now, "Then just amount to what you want to be." But I just don't think it's that simple. I come from an extremely close and family oriented family. So it's not so easy to just disregard what they want and vision for you just because you're not sure if that's where you stand as well. I love them all too much for that. I can't do the whole, "I'm gonna do me, and I'll see you all later," kind of thing. But I also worry the pressures of them are becoming to much. I think one of things that has lead me to such apprehensions is the success of all of my older siblings. I'm the youngest, and I look at them, and I think, "WOW! They've made it. They still might be on the climb, but they got the momentum going and they're succeeding!" And as I say this I'm scared of becoming the family mess up. That one kid who didn't turn out as "good" as the others. And I know, again you're probably thinking, "But Chris, what is good? It's different for everyone." But there's are part of me inside that I can't put into words but it makes me want to achieve my family's vision of what's "good" for me as much as I want to achieve my vision of what's "good".
The future is certainly out of our control. But much of it can be made at least tentatively definitive with our actions in the present. I just worry that my actions of the present have put me to far on one path that to consider or ponder another is just too late. I'm about to be given a piece a paper saying I studied a specific thing. How am I supposed to approach a job focused on something that isn't on the list of things I "specialized on in college" and convince that that's okay, you can still hire me. It's all good. I just don't know. And what makes it worse is in a way, I and everyone else never will know. Each day offers something new you can't predict. You just have to do what you can to make sure you have the tools, literally and figuratively, to tackle whatever offering that glorious new day decides to bear.
Like all my blogs in the past I more write this just to see if anyone can relate, as well as those who can don't feel like alone in the issue either.
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