I find myself in another predicament when it comes to affairs of the heart. I have fallen hard for a woman who I was and still am under the impression has feelings for me as well. However there are extraneous circumstances for both of us that have us walking on egg shells about everything. And along with that, we both have expressed to each other in the past that we both have a fear of commitment.
See, I met this young woman last semester and after exchanging phone numbers, we started to talk and get to know each other. We talked very consistently and it lead to forming a good friendship. Then one night we were hanging out and we kissed. BUT THAT WAS IT! Neither of us wanted to do anything or go to far and do something that would damage progressing towards something more in terms of our relationship. We were as they say, "taking things slow". Eventually the semester ended but we kept in touch. Over the holiday break, I let my feelings be known. She expressed similar feelings but also hesitancy due to history I had with some other mutual friends of ours. She did say that if that history wasn't there things would be much different. It was clear she liked me back.
We didn't want this to damage the friendship we had though, so we still kept hanging out upon our return from break. But I think we could see our feelings for each other were persisting and we continued to subtly flirt with one another. Finally she joked about me getting her candy and flowers for Valentine's day. I laughed it off in order to lead her to believe I would not be doing this because I wanted it to be a surprise for her when I actually did. See, I figured that time was running out to change her mind on things and I saw this kind gesture as my Hail Mary pass to win or lose the game. So I went bought her roses and one of those giant Hershey bars. I put on my best suit and went to her door.
I asked her to come outside via text and phone call. Given the day, I think she could tell I was up to something. She finally texted me back that she would not come outside and that she couldn't do this. My guess is she was looking through the peep hole and saw everything and that's how she was able to make the decision to stay inside. I told her that the flowers and Hershey bar were for her and I left them at her door for her to grab after I had gone, that way she could avoid having to interact with me which I could see she didn't want to do. Since then though, I've been so lost. Like I had grown to really care about this person. And since That day, I've just been like going through the motions and faking it till I make it. It doesn't help that I see her around in social settings and I see her talking to other guys, in fact it hurts a lot. It's just I would hang with her, and we'd look each other in the eyes and I'd think to myself, "God, if this was the last thing I saw I would die a happy man, because this right here, her, it's all that's right in this world where so much is wrong." She brought so much happiness out of me.
Here is where my predicament truly lies. Since the Valentines day incident I have reached out a couple times to meet up and just clear the air and have gotten nowhere. I have also heard murmurs that I wasn't given the full truth about things involving her life either. And I'm so lost, I don't know what make of it all. HOWEVER, I found out from a close mutual friend of ours that very recently a quite negative moment has entered and impacted her life. Upon hearing this, I personally hurt so much for her. I still care about her, and when I care for someone, I just want to do everything in my power to take their pain away, in her case regardless of if she no longer feels the same for me. And that's where I don't know what to do. How do I reach out to her and say that I know what's going on, that I know she's going through tough times about a very specific thing and that I'm here for her; that regardless of what of us we need to figure out, first and foremost this new development takes precedent and I will be here for you the whole step of the way in any capacity that you need me to be. How do I do this without her seeing I contacted her again and thinking god this kid won't give up. I just want her to know I'm here and will always be here even if it can only be as friend, especially as she goes through this newly trying time.
I don't know anymore. What I do know is I only wish her the best.
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