Now before we get to into this blog post, I just want iterate that you need to read this all the way through before you judge me on the title. I swear it was more just an attention grabber than a true statement. As we all know, upon Thanksgiving's passing every year, there is an almost instantaneous jump to the theme of Christmas everywhere you look. And thats okay, I have nothing wrong with that. But I'm kind of the odd man out in my family when it comes to loving Christmas. Or at least the odd man out in my "immediate" family. Allow me to explain.
I come from a VERY family oriented family. We're the kind of family that is so close that your first cousins are more like your siblings, your second cousins are more like your first cousins, and your aunts and uncles are more like extra parents. And I love it, because even though by blood I only have sisters, I feel like I have a lot of brothers too, since a lot of my cousins are guys. Plus I just love the family dynamic, IT'S AWESOME!
But there's a reason we are as close as we are in my family, and that reason was my grandmother. She believed in the power and strength of family, and understood no matter ones faults and failures, especially a family member's, they're always deserving of love and that you must never turn your back on them. Growing up, her home was almost every family member's first home. I know it was mine. Heck, we were there everyday for like the entire day. It was to the point I didn't even consider my actual home, home. I saw it more as this place where I would go to sleep and that was it.
Unfortunately, like all people will, my grandmother eventually passed. I was in the fifth grade. Given how close we were as a family, especially to her, since she was the glue really, watching her go down hill was rough. I definitely handled terribly compared everyone else in the family too. I was acting out, causing problems in a time when I should have been helping, and ultimately just being a class-A DICK! But I'll never forget the night she passed. A lot of the family was in the hospital room like we were every day and night, just hanging around, enjoying each other's company the best we could, since at this point she was in a vegetable state, so we really could be there for her. When it happen, the sound of a person grasping for a breath that wasn't there. I looked over like everyone else to see my grandmother trying to breathe but getting nowhere. Eventually the sound stopped; my grandmother was dead, and I had watched her die.
I can remember if the heart monitor actually made that sound like you hear in the movies when someone dies, in fact I can remember too many of the little things from that evening. I went numb almost instantly when it happened. The biggest thing I can recall is that I wasn't much of a cryer, and also knew I needed to be strong for my mom, so I did my best to remain un-phased. Eventually a break in the sadness seemed to occur. I took advantage of this, and excused myself from the room. I walked down the hallway to this lounge/lobby-esque area of hospital floor, collapsed to the ground and cried. People passed by, but I didn't care, I just let my emotions pour out of me. Finally I recomposed myself and returned to the room. I didn't shed a tear about the incident again.
Now I'm sure you are thinking, "But Chris, what on earth does this have to do with Christmas?" Well that day she passed was Sunday, December 19th. Christmas was a week away. Now, every year, as Christmas gets closer, so does that day, and we are all reminded of the sadness affiliated with the holiday season. For me though, I don't get sad about her death or let it bring my Christmas down, because I know she wouldn't want that. But here's where I become the odd man out. I can tell my Mom and sisters all do let it spoil their holidays. Plus, my sister even verbalized to my dad one year that "no one in this family likes this holiday because it just reminds us she's gone!" And it sucks they feel that way, for two reasons.
First, because I think they feel this way partially due to none of them having come to terms with her death yet. Which breaks my heart, because they are brought down by it, and I know my grandmother would not want them to be. And second, because it does end up making me the odd man out. Maybe that reason is a little selfish of me, but it's hard to enjoy something when you know those around you don't and just putting on a smile for the public. It brings down your (in this case, my) vibe.
So as for my title, Christmas doesn't really suck. In fact for me it's a great way to cope about my grandmother's passing. Because it brings my are already close family closer, at least physically, since mentally its not there yet with my sisters. But like I said, it brings us all closer like it does with all families. And this even closer closeness that is present during the holiday just reminds me of the strong family my grandmother pioneered in the creation of and presents hope, since here we are years after her passing and we're all still standing with her legacy as a beacon to guide us everyday of our life. I just wish my mom and sisters could see it this way too. Because that's really the only thing that sucks; knowing that I'm the only one that's happy.
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