Have you ever wanted something so badly that you'll do anything to get it, but once it's in your grasps it's taken away from you and you realize it's gone forever. It's never a good feeling. It's also something that can take a while to get over; depending on what it is, you may never get over it. For me, this thing I wanted so bad that was taken from me was the chance to serve in the United States military, specifically the United States Navy. So let me explain.
I have what psychology calls a "hero complex". I'm sure growing up the son of a cop certainly had something to do with that. Regardless, I have it, and just like any complex, it requires fulfillment. I figured I would get mine by joining the military. I can remember from about the age of ten, I knew that that was what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to help others and put their own lives before my own. But as anyone who has applied for military service knows, the U.S. military has a lot of requirements and medical qualifications to meet. While applying for the military academies my senior year of high school, along with all the other colleges I applied for, they found out I had asthma, not that I tried to hide it or anything, and so it disqualified me, but they said I could appeal the decision and prove that my asthma doesn't affect me. I planned on doing so. But along the way, I guess the stress from all the applications and college preparations, I contracted a disease known as Ulcerative Colitis.
Now for those of you who do not know what ulcerative colitis is, I tell you it is not pretty. What it is, is basically you have ulcers lining the inside wall of your colon. Along with this comes extreme pain in the abdominal region, having to go the bathroom frequently and for long periods of time, and bleeding when you go. Now these symptoms are really only present when your having a flare up, and if you keep on top your meds, you can get it into remission, and make it as if you never had it, though it never does actually go away. They don't know what causes the disease, but they believe it is stress related and family inheritance related.
After contracting the disease, I did some research and discovered that again I would be disqualified from military service. But here's where it was different this time. I was not allowed to appeal this kind of medical defect. I was disqualified for life. No ifs, ands or buts. This moment was extremely hard for me to take. With the asthma, I figured I stood a chance, now I was finding out, there was no chance, period. All I had ever wanted was to serve my country, and here I was, finding out it would remain a dream unacclompished. And on top of that there's always reminders present in the form of others getting the opportunity to serve that I had always wanted. I even had a friend, unaware of my condition, tell me I should join ROTC, that it's really good and he thought I'd be good for it. This moment was like a kick in the pants for me.
Since finding out I had UC, I've had trouble coping with multiple things. First of all, I've had trouble getting over the fact that I'll never get to serve. Like I said, with constant reminders present, it's hard not to look and remember that that was what I always wanted. But even more so, I have found it hard coping with my UC and what it's taken from me and how its affected my relationship with my family, at least from my perspective. For starters, I can never seem to go the bathroom without my family thinking something is wrong and having them question me. I always have to remind them that whether I have the disease or not, I'm still human and because so, I'm still going to have to use the bathroom. Then, they're all always badgering me on my eating habits. I can't seem to consume anything without a passive aggressive and judgmental statement. I understand their concern, I get it. Since being diagnosed and treated, I have slipped up twice with my meds and have two flare ups because so. But they don't how hard it is having to admit this when it happens. It's embarrassing and seems to only fuel their fire, which I'm trying to suppress.
Everyday is a struggle, most of the time not physical, but mental. But, I'm doing what I can to accept this is my life now and I have to find a new love to pursue. Since I still have my hero's complex, I've decided to pursue a career in law enforcement. Preferably federal, but I'll take a lower level as well. Just something where I can protect and help the lives of others. And I'm working on my understanding that my family only acts the way they do with me because they care. Even if they don't go about it the best way, I know they do what they do because they love me.
So if you can relate, don't throw in the towel. But also don't feel bad if you haven't moved on from what was taken from you. Take your time. It's okay. If you can't relate, well here is another glance into the eyes of my life and way I see it and live it. Have a good one.
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