What's your biggest fear? It's an interesting question, but a scary one to because it gets you thinking of that which you are afraid. For me, it's my parents not being proud of me. Luckily they are proud of me or at least they give me that impression. But this really didn't become my fear until college. Specifically when they decided to pay for my college education, and I felt like more of an investment and less of their son. Everyday I wake up scared out of my mind that I'm going to fall short and that my phone is going to ring with my mom on the other line saying, "We're bringing you home." I would be devastated. I love this place too much. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but hear me out.
I come from a family of four children. Three girls and me (the baby boy, the pride and joy haha). My one sister had to pay for college with her own money, and the other two were blessed enough to get full rides, still they had to pay out pocket as well for anything college related that their scholarships didn't cover. Then it finally reached the point where college was upon me as well and like my sisters, the question of how am I going to pay for this became the main one. I figured like my oldest sister, I would use my college fund as well as bank loans and just spend my life paying them off like the majority of college kids.
One night while chilling in the basement, thinking about it, out-loud at moments, my sister came in and said that mom and dad were going to pay for me. I was skeptical and said no they weren't. She insisted, saying it's just how it works with me being the baby; something that just is. A unspoken truth. Eventually my parents did say they would be paying for me to go to college. Naturally I was relieved and appreciative. At the same time though, it sucks in it's own way.
You see, with my parents paying for my schooling, my fuck ups now become their fuck ups indirectly. And that puts a lot of pressure on me, knowing that it's more than just my life riding on this potential degree. If things go wrong because of me, that's a quarter of a million dollars of my parents money WASTED! This isn't me saying I'm a bad student or that I wish they weren't paying so I could be a bad student, it's just me saying I have a lot more than myself to think about when I make the decisions I do everyday. Also, I feel as though I've had a bit of my independence stripped from. I can still remember when my sisters and parents kept hinting to me that they were going to pay for school, me saying I didn't want this and would rather struggle through with bank loans I would have to pay off.
I wanted it that way, because I didn't want the fact that my parents are paying for college to be held over my head by them or thrown in my face by my sisters. Now my parents really haven't made it feel this way, but there have been occasions where my sisters, specifically my oldest one, will bring it up in a "throw it in your face" kind of manner and it almost seems resentful. To which I always want to say, "I didn't ask for this. In fact I didn't want this and said I didn't want this." But I just hold my tongue. Still I have also seen first hand the impact of my performance have on my rents. I didn't do too well freshman year grade wise, more just in a couple of classes, and my dad pulled me aside while I was home on a brief break and he got choked up as he explained I had to get my act together and bring these grades up.
He didn't say why, but I knew why: My parents, because they love me unconditionally, have put themselves in a position where there is as much riding on my schooling for them as there is for me. So as said before, don't get me wrong, I'm quite grateful for what they are doing for me, and I love them for them, though I would love them regardless, all I am saying is, I think it is just as stressful knowing three peoples' futures are riding on your schooling as it is for the kid who is paying for their schooling them self and their future alone is what is riding on it.
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