Throughout life we all have regrets, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Hopefully not too big of a regret, but maybe so. To go with that, I think it's safe to say, that one of main reasons we have regrets, is because we let our fear get in the way of something.
Now as I have stated in a past blog, I am a relationship kind of guy, who just can't seem to get one. But I don't have all the right in the world to complain. What if I told you I have a regret that haunts me everyday when I wake up and start my day. This regret is the day I threw away the one thing I've always wanted, a relationship, with one of the girls I've wanted it with the most. Let me explain:
It started around November of my senior year of high school. I was talking with a childhood friend of mine who attended an all girl high school that I had always wanted to attend the dances of. So I was telling her about how I wanted to go to her school's homecoming. She told me to tell a girl to take me, but as I explained to her, it's the girl's dance, I can't TELL her to take ME. Which after a moment she could see where I was coming from and agreed, so she told me she'd ask around for me. A few days later she informs me, one of her friends said she would take me. Naturally I was like "SWEET!"
Upon receiving the news, I was given her name and number. I did your usual Facebook stalking. Tried to to get a feel for who this girl was that I would be going with. She looked good and seemed pretty cool. And we did some talking just to get familiar. Well finally the night came, and I don't know why, but the moment I walked in the door and saw her in person, the rest of the world disappeared for a moment, and I was standing there dumbfounded unaware of anything but her. She was gorgeous! Luckily I kept my cool, and avoided coming on too strong, partially because this was our first meeting.
So, we went to the dance and had a good time. We kept it PG and just seemed like two friends having fun. Afterwards we went to a local diner with some of her friends and their dates and enjoyed some food and conversation. I let her order first, so I could know what I could get and still be able to pay for her. (Be a gentleman, always pay for the lady) Then we went our separate ways.
Now when I was Facebook stalking her and texting her before we met, I thought she was an attractive girl, but one I was not attracted TO. After that night, I was hooked! We started texting that night, when we both got home. The conversations flowed and weren't like speaking to brick walls.
I'll be honest, I wasn't subtle in how I felt, and it fact, I'm pretty sure I vocalized it to her that same night of the dance, when we started texting. So she knew I liked her, but said it wasn't mutual, but yet we still constantly texted and talked. We even skyped A LOT, like all the time! We hung out with friends a fair amount over that year. Like my like for her grew every single day, because we were always in contact. She even was my New Year's kiss. It was a little awkward and forced (by her actually, I wasn't expecting or planning on it) but yet, I liked it. She did it, because I invited her to this New Year's Eve party as my "date", and she ended up bailing like 30 mins in, so i think it was out of like pity. Up to this point I had remained flirty with her, and she just had fun brushing it off. Around that time though, I decided to stop trying to flirt with her, since she didn't feel the same. But I still really liked her and wanted to be with only her.
Anyway, the talking continued and was good. We talked a lot per usual. Then January 27, 2012 rolled around. And the talking took a turn. Not a good one or bad one, just a neutral turn...at first. I was down in my basement watching Batman Begins on AMC with story-notes, texting her as usual, and there was something she wanted to know and I was refusing to tell her. So she posed playing that Question Game so I would tell her. You know, that flirty one all us teenagers play which starts out "genuine" and turns dirty by like question 20. So I said why not, and humored her and we played. She got the answer to the question she was looking for, but we kept playing. And like I said, the game turned flirty and dirty, but we kept playing. And for a little bit after that day, we could continue playing, and if weren't playing we were talking in a flirty manner, just like when playing the game. Like I was shocked, here she was FLIRTING WITH ME, not just me flirting with her.
So for next like month we were flirting with each other all the time when we talked, but I assumed it was just out teenage hormonal fun and nothing more. Until this day in very early march, I receive a text from her in the middle of our conversation that read, "So what's the deal, are we gonna make this official or what?"
There it was, the moment I had wanted since the night in November, a chance to be her guy, and her my girl. And right there it happened, I became a scared little boy; a sad sack of shit. I thought in my mind here is this perfect girl, and I could never bear to look at myself in the mirror if I hurt her. And that was my fear, I was scared to hurt her, not physically, but just in that way you see people get hurt in relationships. So I let my fear drive me, and I said to her, "Nah." STUPIDEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!
We decided to take a FWB route for a while, but nothing ever happened and as time went on, are talking became flirtation-less and she ended up in a relationship until college, and then we both went separate ways, only to occasionally talk. Which we did, and once in college far apart, I would sometimes hit on her in our conversations. It was just out of pure fun.
But then on October 10th, 2012 she said something to me that cut me deeper than anyone has. After I made the comment that it was fun to hit on her, she said to me, "I don't even think you want me, you just enjoy hitting on me!" And that really struck a nerve with me. So after a few moments of wrestling with these words, I replied back "You said, 'u probably don't even want me'. And it actually struck a nerve with me. Not fully sure why, but it did. Because, Imma be honest with you: One of the biggest regrets of my life was the day I said no to u. There isn't a day that goes by where i don't think of it even for just a second and wish i could go back change it. Cus with you, it's never been just about a quick score for me, i wanted all aspects of you, and I got scared and said no. I was an idiot and regret it. and there. so don't you think i don't even actually want you!"
We continued to talk for a moment, where she explained she had moved on and me saying now that I had said all this, I could to now. But that's turned out to be false. I CAN'T MOVE ON! I threw away the best thing I almost had. All because I got scared to be the man I wanted to be to the woman I to be it for. I wake up with a dark hole in me that floods every part of me with a regret that isn't just easily brushed aside under the rug. And with it, comes a pain that doesn't show physically, but hurts you every step of the day. And all that is something I wouldn't wish on anyone, not even my greatest enemy, because it sucks, and makes getting up everyday nearly impossible for me. And no we can't read the future, so there's no way of knowing if her and I would still be together now, had I said yes then, BUT I can't help but thinking we would. Ultimately right now, I'm inclined to believe the only way I will truly be able to move on is when I am finally with someone who shows me there's someone out there besides her.
So I say to you, don't let your fear get in the way of something you love. Because you'll only be left with regret. And that's something I'd rather be left without of. Being scared sucks, but it's quite the adrenaline rush embracing what scares you. So get out there and step up to the plate. Don't let your fear drive you. Drive your fear.
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