When you're a relationship type of person, being single SUCKS! When you're not, then being single doesn't suck. Sorry about that captain obvious statement, but I couldn't think of anything better to say to start this blog haha. But anyway, I'm the relationship type. But I'm also single and I HATE IT! This is going to sound a bit whiny (I promise it's leading to something though) but I haven't been able to get a girlfriend since freshman year of high school when I was allowed to start dating. Every girl I've like hasn't liked me back, and if I've exposed my feelings to them, they've rejected me. I think one of the things that made it hardest on me was freshman year of college. By the end of a high school tenure where I had been perpetually single and unable to get girls, I was depressed. Not in the medical sense but just like in my mind; I was bummed.
But everyone who knew this all told me the same thing at the end of high school: "Just wait for college man. It's totally different. No way you won't get a girl by the end of freshman year."
Well guess what, college is not different at all in this aspect of life, at least it's not different for me. And that's why frosh year made it the hardest. What can I say, I'm a lonely guy, who wants more than just some hookup on a weekend here and there. Will I take a hookup if it comes my way, certainly, but that's only because I'm a human and have needs like everyone else. But I want MORE. I want the days of just talking and laughing. I want the lunch dates and then the hand holding walks around campus and/or to each others class. I want the nights of staying in, cuddling and watching a movie and not caring if the night doesn't go any farther. I want the physical on an occasional basis. I want the mental, knowing we can lean on each other. I want all the aspects.
But I'm sick of hearing people tell me, after they hear this, "Just wait. Good things come to those who wait. I'm sure that's why your still single, something good is down the road." And you know what, they are probably right in their words. But this is how things have been for me since freshman year of high school, and so I'M TIRED OF WAITING!
Now before this blog gets to whiny, I said I was saying this all to make a point, so lets get to that:
January 1st, 2013, sometime in the 9 o'clock hour of the evening, I lost my virginity. This moment is a regret of mine. But let me elaborate.
First, and most important, I don't regret the girl. She is a great girl who I've become friends with since that night. This state of regret has nothing to do with her.
Second, I don't regret the idea of not being a virgin either, because had this night not happen, I still don't for-see me being a virgin till marriage. Which to me is okay, so don't feel bad if you aren't and didn't wait till marriage. It's your life, live it how you want, don't let others make you feel bad for it.
Third, I do regret WHY and HOW I lost my virginity. This is where my point (or life lesson) comes into play.
WHY: Because of how lonely I had become for being single for as long as I had (and still have), I was under the impression that maybe I was single because I was still a virgin. That maybe this gave off an idea of inexperience that scared off girls, in this case, the ones I liked. So I believed I had to lose my virginity in order to better my odds. THIS WAS AND STILL IS STUPID! I don't know how this idea got into my head, but if you're a virgin still and this idea is in your head, get rid of it. I should never have thought this. So like I said, if your still a single virgin who can't seem to get somebody, DON'T EVER THINK THIS IS WHY! Even if a person rejects you for this, don't think about it; you don't need and shouldn't want them; if they rejected you because of this, they don't respect you. And that's what it all boils down to. Respect! Self and for others, and to extent, I think I lacked both.
HOW: I received a phone call from a buddy saying they knew of three girls D.T.F. (Down to Fuck) and they needed one more guy. Me being a naive and horny teenage boy saw this as my chance, and well the rest is history as you already know.
My first time was a meaningless hookup, in all aspects, that I went through because I was stupid and let a misconception guide my decisions/actions. In the moment it seemed great. On the drive home I was texting certain people with jubilee. But as time went on, that happiness and feeling of progress I had faded. The film on my was removed and I realized something, I'M STILL SINGLE! And I threw away my virginity FOR NOTHING! It didn't change anything, except that it left me only more hurt that I had nobody to call my own.
Will I still go for hookups, yeah I probably will, but again it's because I'm human and have human needs, but does that mean all the way, I'm not sure; depends on the situation. I'd like to think I have enough self-control to wait till I'm in a steady relationship with someone before I have sex again, but I can't really know till I reach that bridge and it comes time to cross it.
So, lets establish some things:
Being single as a relationship type of person SUCKS! If you're that way, you're not alone. I know what your going through. And call me a hypocrite, but I'm gonna say it, "Just keep waiting, good things are going to come. You and I both just have to be patient whether we want to or not."
Second sex can be a great thing, don't get me wrong; yeah I've only done it once, but I already can tell it can be, but only when it's done for the right reasons. My reason was not right. So if your having sex or planning on doing so, just make sure it's for the reasons for both yourself and your partner.
And finally, don't let your regrets hold you back. Use them as a beacon to guide you through the darker parts of your life. As a symbol of what could happen if you give into the hard times trying to bring you down. Remember, destruction leads to a very rough road, but it also breeds creation. But it's up to you to take that "destruction" (or regret) and use it as a new blueprint to create. Life gets better!
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